Jobless

I am still jobless and its making me feel stuck.. Like I have no other option in life.  When I wrote my husband earlier today and told him how I feel and that if we needed to be apart that I am at a point in my life it would be ok with me and that I understood that he needed to be himself (or sometimes sheself)  But I feel like I cant leave even if I felt that I needed to.  I have children that need to have a roof over their head and food in their bellies and I cant do that without a job.

I feel worthless from not finding a job.. having no job gives me no options in my life..

I am going to cancel my Dr Appt I had for next week.  it was for my esophagus because I am having trouble swallowing food again and it gets caught and I feel like im choking and I have to either struggle and wait for it to pass or make myself throw it up.. but right now even with husbands insurance I don't want to spend what little extra money we have on a appointment.. and I am not sure how much its going to cost.. then if I have to have the surgery again...I give up so much.. no one ever notices or see's .. but im selfish cause I want a manly husband 24x7

Im sorry

I apologise to everyone for not being faithful on my posts.  Since I got fired it seems everything has just been snowballing especially my emotions.  I am usually So awesome at keeping my feelings inside but as years go buy its getting much harder... I wonder if that's cause I have so much inside me that now there is no more room for anything else.  And to put something inside I must first take something out.

I have finally faced myself and came into the light of feelings that's I have tried to just ignore and put aside so that I could make my husband happy.

- I am not happy with my husbands CDing
- I am not happy I am married to someone who will CD until the day I die
- I am not happy that I feel I have to sacrifice what I want in a relationship just to make what I thought was a   true marriage work
- I am not happy that no one cares what I actually want and wont get upset with me for wanting things
- I am not happy cause I wish my man was the "typical" man and didn't wear girly things
- I am not happy cause my husband compliments "guy/girls" on the CD forums on their looks more then he notices me  (I got my hair cut.. VERY noticeable and he doesn't notice until my daughter tells him)
- I am not happy cause he calls me mean and hurtful names  (Bitch, cunt, etc) when we fight when I don't call him names and I cry
- I am not happy cause he never comforts me when I am sad or he never notices
- I am not happy cause I know he likes guys too even though he says he would never I'm not dumb I know he has his fantasies and that grosses me out

I am sad cause I feel like I am fading he notices me less and less and even when I try to do things to make him notice he never does anymore.

I am sorry to all my readers who are CDers but I just cant accept it for my husband.. I had the wool pulled over my eyes and was told to believe something that turned out to be a lie.. its hard to move on and heal from that.  I was never given the chance in the beginning to make the choice myself.. I was thrown in head first... and now I just hope somewhere at the bottom will be a soft landing..

I told my husband today I don't want this and this does not make me happy.. it all makes me sad..he said things which I think right now are lip service but we will see...deep down in my gut I know he probably really doesn't want to change or work on things with us..

But I have let him know how I feel and that if he needs to be free from marriage to be himself that I am fine with that.. but he says he doesn't and he doesn't understand where all this is coming from all of a sudden and that he loves me more then life itself and that if he didn't he wouldn't be around still.. but i cant help but have my doubts.. and now knowing that he knows others in the area (which out area is small) it kinda makes me nervous.. why??.. *sigh*  idk..

I just really need friends whom I can tell all this to and get all my tears out on them cause if i cry in front of him it upsets him and he doesn't understand..

I hate when people say oh you cant stop this.. they cant control it etc.. I find that as a excuse at times..I think if there was something you truly wanted and to accomplish in life that you would find a way to get it under control.. people with addictive behaviors have to find that control in their life.. alcholoics have to have control in their life to keep their addiction in line.. the ONLY time things are not possible is when you don't believe in yourself and don't want to stop.