"Hate"

I got a letter the other day in the mail from my uncle.. (well not sure if I still call him my uncle or not.. since my aunt (moms sister) and him are now divorced) 

Anyways I think last year I told you all that he told my aunt he was gay and that they were now separated. the divorce was finally final now. The one marriage that I thought would last has ended. They seemed to be so strong in their faith and love and marriage. And all this time for years he was keeping a secret. So parts of me knows what my aunt was going through. Even though I cant tell her about my situation and probably would never want to anyways I can connect with her. Makes me question my own marriage.. mine sure as hell is a lot worse off then what hers was (from what was shown) how am I getting through this every day.. my mind still cannot wrap around it. 


I hate it.. 


and I hardly ever use the word "hate".. 


but I hate this.. 


I hate that I have to be put through this BS... 


I hate that I was never given the choice on if I want to live a life with someone who wants to pretend to be a female every now and then.. who knows maybe years down the road he will want to be female 24x7.. 


I hate that he never told me that he lied to me and hid things from me. 


I hate that he could live with himself with all these lies and tell me all the time how much he dislikes liars and that they are cowards for lying.. 


I hate that I was never his number one.. cause you cant be someone elses number one if they have secrets if they do things behind your back.. if they put themselves first and what they want before your own...

And lastly..

I hate that I hurt so much all the time and that I feel alone while others seem to be accepting.. it makes me just want to stay in a corner.

Courage

25 years struggling with sorts of different pain.  25yrs ago this April my grandfather passed away on our dining room floor at breakfast time as my grandma was making pancakes and bacon.  I was 8 almost 9... He was 57 almost 58.. Our birthdays were 4 days apart.  He was my father cause he is the only man who had raised me since I was a infant.  I got this tattoo 2 days ago in remembrance of him.  The Diamond and Spade have meaning.. and if you have ever played Pinochle then you will know.  he taught me that game when I was 6 or 7.

its located on my wrist... this was done for him...

I struggled to try and be strong for everyone after he died.  I didn't want to be a burden for anyone.  I hid my pain I was going through.  that was the start of a lot of my problems with self injury and later a eating disorder.

Almost 21yrs ago I met my husband.  I got pregnant 18yrs ago when I was 15.. I became a teen mom... and a year and a half later I became a teen wife.  I depended way to much on my husband.  So much so that the mean things he would tell me I started to believe.  I didn't know better then..

15yrs of marriage I find out on my own by finding stuff hidden in MY bedroom.. that my husband is a CDer.  I find out that he has been out of the house dressed in our town (which isn't a large city).. in the car that I drive around in.. which is distinct.  

I try for the first couple months to learn and try and accept this even though my insides are crying and hurting so much from all this pain.. but I want to do this for him and make him happy..

Not often have I done things in my life to make me happy... I live to make others happy... my own mistake....

He still hides things and goes past our boundaries and I come to the conclusion that this is something that I wont be able to accept.. but I have tried....I want credit for that..

I received the comment to find the courage.. that I make the conscious choice to live like this until I decided to do something... which is why I put up the image from the wizard of oz of the cowardly lion.  The lion had friends along his path who finally helped him find his courage.  Even though it was there the whole time it was still the light from others who helped him see this in himself.

Finding courage isn't something that can happen over night especially when you have 3 children and have been in a relationship for 20yrs and your esteem has been broke down.  You have to build up yourself over time and yes it does take time.  God I wish it could happen in a instant.. that I could just be this strong woman that could think of herself before others and what she needs first.. but that's not me.  

I have changed and I have gotten more courageous over time.  I speak out a lot more but I have 25yrs of hurt and pain inside that I am still slowly working through.  I have a family whom I love and whom I want to try my best to stick together.

If I was similar to the cowardly lion I would have friends whom I could share things like this with who could help me on my path to finding my courage but I don't.  Since I have to keep my husbands secret and I would be too ashamed in the first place to tell anyone I know about it..

Which is why I have this blog.. as a place to vent when I am feeling down a place where I can come and type anything and reflect on things and again over time grow stronger and read the inspiring comments from many.  And hopefully help some stranger along my way who may be in a similar situation.. maybe I can help them find their courage.

So yes I make the conscious choice to stay in my marriage.. I make the choice to not have the communication in the relationship as that which I would like.  I've gotten better BUT I will communicate when I feel "safe"  If I don't feel safe and I feel like he will blow up.. ill just be quiet.. I pick my battles.. if that makes me wrong.. then I'm wrong..

My courage is growing...

That I am proud of...

Surviving

Well my husband has been out of state now for his manager training since this last Sunday.  He will return on Friday night.

Its been kinda rough.  Just my gut feelings and I.  I saw a transaction for a salon for like 40$ while he has been there and it kinda made me sad and made my brain work in overtime.  Thoughts like "I wonder if he got color or he got his fav pedi which seemed to be french.  If he got color I wonder what color he got.  Is he going to tell me about this?  What if I brought it up would he confess to it?  He hasn't gotten a pedi here in like 6mo why now?"  Then he also went to Target and spent like 150$.. what does he need for a 150$ (He actually told me about going to Target.. he never told me about going to the salon).  All his meals are paid for by the company, his hotel is paid for.. he has a rental car.. he said "well I needed to get a few things at target drinks and stuff for the hotel room" .. yeah ok...(non-believer)

So it was eating me up inside and changing my outward mood towards him when he called me that night.  It was just a "blah" mood.  He could sense it too.  He asked me what was wrong and I just told him I was tired from work. (I know I lied to him but I didn't want to get into a argument over the phone while he was away and I didn't want to be accused of snooping)

So after the phone call I decided I would write him a email.  I just couldn't keep it inside.  I didn't feel good at all.  So I wrote him a email telling him that I saw the transaction for the salon and that I didn't understand how he could validate spending 40$ for his pedi when he left me with no money (We live paycheck to paycheck so we saved like 250$ for him to have just in case down there.. and trust me saving that was hard for us... he did have 300$ but before he left I needed a little gas and some groceries to get me by until payday on Friday).. so I asked him how he could just go spend that when the kids and I are basically living off from nothing while he is down there.  (I am super mom I can make meals out of thin air... but still I found it selfish).. Then I asked him why he spent so much at Target if he only got some drinks and a few snacks.  I don't understand how it could total 150$.  And that I assume that he bought his "special items" at Target.  I told him for months now I have been dreading him going away for business cause I knew what he would be doing and what he would be spending his money on.  I cant get the images out of my head.  I told him when he said he was going to have dinner with some buddies from these classes he is taking I kept thinking that was a lie and he was going to meet "someone" and that I know I should trust him its just hard and its eating me up inside.  He was always saying how he wished I could of came with him.  But I told him I really didn't think he actually wanted me to go with him cause I would just ruin his "special time"

I told him not to be upset.  That I love him and I am just trying to express my feelings to him.  That I love him so much all of this hurts me.  If I did not love him I wouldn't be hurting so bad from thoughts like this.

I was expecting him to be quite upset with me and telling me that I ruined his trip etc.  But he didn't.  The first thing he told me is that he loved me.  And that he is sorry he did not leave me with some extra money.  That next time when I tell him ill be ok and don't need any that he wont listen to me and he will give me "x" amount. he doesn't want to see me struggle like that.  He also confessed to the pedi but told me he only got clear polish.  He also confessed to buying a few things at target (which I am guessing includes a pair of shoes cause that's his weak point is women's dress shoes).. and hes sorry for hurting me.  That he does love me and has been trying even though hes not at 100% yet.  And I have seen progress.  He hasn't used clear polish at home he hasn't worn anything that I know of and his "special drawer" is basically empty.  I am not sure where some of his items went.  he says hes trying.  I want to believe him but then I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again.  But at some point I need to try and trust again.

He also said that Im on the CD forums to much and that it doesn't feel like "his" support place anymore cause I get angry with him if he posts on there.  WELL.. the only time I got upset was when he posted crap like his panty color, how he fantasies about being a female in the bedroom, how he wish he could live 24x7 as a female BUT hes married and has children, how he took off his wedding ring when he went out dressed, and the comments he makes on other men's CD pictures like "oh thats sexy hun, very cute hunCding.. then he asked everyone for help..    So I replied to him that on that forum there is a section that is private where the men can go and post etc.. IDK why they never use it.. its like they want to flaunt everything in the public area... when I need support from the other wives on there I post in the private area for the wives.. and I get my support.  there are times ill reply to posts but they will be posts where someone needs support or advice etc.. I'm not posting my panty color or flaunting things or telling strangers how sexy or cute they look... I'm not saying to the public how much I want to be a man BUT I'm married (BTW I DON'T want to be a man that was just a example lol)

Anyways so I wrote him back and added in a bit more.. a bit more of my personal inside struggles with not wanting to be on this earth and that everything might be a little better for everyone.  And that I don't want him to think less of me cause I feel this way.. and I am not a weak person or stupid cause he has always said people who commit suicide or try are weak..  I told him I am hurting so much that sometimes its hard for me to take and it scares me.  but I want him to know that information cause I love him and I cant do everything on my own.

he hasn't replied back to that email yet he kinda talked about it on the phone with me.  He said he loves me so much and it hurts him that I am hurting so much and that I think he would be better if I was gone from this earth.  He said that he never wants that and that he wants me to feel loved and not hurt so much.  He never wants anything bad to happen to me.  I told him these arnt feelings I can just stop having or shut off all of a sudden.  he said he knew and understood..

So some progress I guess.  Still not 100% but everything takes time but I am glad he knows some more things now.