Raining on my face

I am trying to remember a happy time in my life.  That time would have to be before my grandfather passed away.  He was the center of my life and we did so much together.

I try to view my husband over the years as the center of my life but I don't feel it quite as much.  Maybe because I know I am not the center of his life.  I know that its hard for him to drop things for me without complaining.  I want someone who will say "I need to do this for my wife.. shes my everything" and then do something special for me or plan something special.  Or take the time to listen to me.

Listen..

That's something that doesn't happen very often around here.  I think if he would look and listen to me more he would see things that he hasn't noticed and should notice.  Those things might not make him happy but they are important.

There are many times and probably more then once a week where I get to a point where I wish I was extremely ill and dying.  Now any normal person probably wouldn't think that and I am very childish I know for my reasons behind it... but its me...  If I were very ill and dying I would think that my husband would be right next to me taking care of me.  I want someone so bad to take care of me and my needs.  To put me before themselves... I want to feel important.. I want to know what I feel inside me is important and not dumb...And I feel that unless I am really injured badly and or sick majorly that I wont get it.. I haven't yet after 20yrs why should I think it would just magically happen over night.

There are times when like above I just want to die.  I don't think I would ever have the courage to take my own life.  But I must be truthful and say that it does cross my mind of different ways it could happen.  I wonder if he would regret anything or if he would be sad and miss me at all.. would he then notice everything I do for him and how each day I do things and try to make him happy..

Ive given little hints to him here and there but his reply is "don't talk like that I don't like it"..I don't know if he really knows how real this pain is inside me..

He knows I use to write in a diary and one time that I know of he read it.. he wasn't to happy cause he said i just blame him for everything and make him look like the big bad wolf or something..

I don't try to do that.. I swear I love my husband if I didn't I wouldn't want so much from him emotionally for our marriage.. I wouldn't care what he did if I didn't love him so much..

Odds and Ends

To some I guess my blog is a bit of a downer but I think for awhile it is going to stay on that note.  I need this place to help me vent and release things inside me that I cant let out anywhere else.  I have faith that one day I will make happy posts again.. I just don't know when that one day will be.

These are just a few quotes and sayings I have found saved and now put together on this post.  Each in some way have meaning for me.  Enjoy!



Even though you're the one who broke my heart, You're the one I want to fix it


If someone really loves you, they wouldn't let you slip away no matter how big the situation is.


The pain I have known many will never feel. I would not wish it on anyone. However no matter how much I have gone through I will be stronger in the end.


" It's easy to say, 'I love you,' to someone, but it's more meaningful to thank someone for loving you." Jon Bon Jovi


"Never trade what you want most in life for what you want at the moment"


Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need therapy.


Relationships are like broken glass. Sometimes, your better off leaving things broken, instead of hurting yourself more, trying to fix something that you can't.


she's tired of hiding the pain and covering the tears...she finally lets go and tears roll down her cheeks as she whispers "I don't want to be me"


Sometimes the girl who seems so strong who smiles and laughs with her friends is really the girl who deep down is falling to pieces.


Its so sad, when the right person won't be able to search for you, because your too busy all your life making the wrong person right for you!


I smile and I laugh but you have no idea how sad, lonely and hurt I am inside...


the person who laughs a lot, talks a lot, and seems happy, may also be the person who cries themselves to sleep at night!

Some times when I say I'm okay. I want somebody to look me in the eyes, hold me tight and say 

No your not.

My feelings? Oh don't worry about those, no one else does


How many times do I have to cry in front of you for you to realize your pushing me away? What will you do when I finally walk away for good and give up on you?


says the worst feeling is when you finally realize exactly what you want...and then realize you're never gonna get it


Why do tears come rushing when you are so hurt? Coz it's the only way your eyes can speak when your lips can't explain how things made your feelings broken

Whats up with me today??

Ok whats up with all the worry with me today.  I don't like living like this.  I wish for once I could just live in my dreams when I am sleeping.  I am much more happier there and I am not afraid.  (Well if they are good dreams of course lol)

So there is a new "girl" on the forums from the same area that my husband and I are from that works in town here.. and I saw yet another when I was just looking over their profile.  The one suggested "Oh we should get one anothers emails" or something to the fact of their 3 emails.  So do I need to stress about this?  probably crazy but I am a very insecure wife who has doubts in her marriage and has trouble trusting her husband with things like this.  Who does not like that he does this but silently lets him do it cause I don't want to be without him.

What if this turns into meeting them which would have to be behind my back cause I think he knows I would not like the idea in the first place.

It takes it WAY to face.. the CD thing when its brought outside of behind our closed doors.. makes it a different perspective all together.  Others in town know.. there will be a select few out there who you could possibly pass by on the street and they would glance and know who you are and what you do.. they would know your families secret..

I don't want that.. don't want that at all.. I do think if it ever came down to that and he did and I did find out that I would have to tell him that makes me uncomfortable and I want nothing to do with him or the CDing..

Lets say he replies with "oh well they are meeting me not you"

Well hmm.. I go out with you in public so eventually they would connect me with you

I think if he did that would be my cue to run and to never look back.. run from someone who only can think of themselves and what they want.. not what this marriage needs.

I don't even enjoy the fact that they would be emailing.  maybe cause i know my husband and his past online life that he tried to hide from me.. i am very uncomfortable with it.  I'm uncomfortable with what these people would put into his head because I am not 100% accepting.. I'm not sure if I'm even 5% accepting or I am just tolerating it and hoping that one day he will wake up and see the sadness on my face from all of this he has put me through and realise "what have I done.. I never want her to be sad"

But that's just a dream.. It wont ever get there he will never realize how much I am hurting and how good I am at putting the pain deep inside.

Husbands step up

So my husband had a job interview within his current place of work for a assistant manger position that has opened up.  I am so proud of him cause really retail is not his thing.  Hes not much of a people person yet to put food on the table for his family he will do what he has to.  I am pretty excited and he should know tomorrow if he has the position or not.

Now comes my delima and why I am feeling bad right now..

If he gets the position he will have to have 12 weeks of training.  most of the training is out of town.. either in Washington State or in a city that's south of us.  The 12 weeks of training isn't ALL done out of state.  Some will be done in his store.  So that's the part that's got me.  I cant trust him.  Deep in my heart I want to but deep in my heart its screaming that he lied to you for years and years about this and now he will have to opportunity to dress when he wants when not in training or meet up with people he has met on the forums or other online areas and do god only knows what.  (I don't put anything past him)

It makes me feel like I really doubt his love for me.  In ways I do...

How can someone say they love you so much and you mean the world to them and then turn around and do things behind your back and keep doing things they know you don't like.  How can they call you names at a drop of a hat and seem to not be phased by it.

He has never reassured me just found ways to get around things....  I want to trust my husband but I know whatever length of time he is gone is going to be hell for me and for the unknown...

I'm just so torn I love him and I want him to go further in his career but there is a voice inside of me who doesn't want him to get this position so I don't want to worry about my trust with him.

Sometimes I think WHY?

Sometimes I don't get it.  I think to myself  -  If this hurts me so much WHY does he WANT to keep doing it.  I could tell if he DIDN'T want to CD and that's not the case.. I can tell in him he really wants to be fem and wants to CD.  But I cant help but think WHY

Over our years of being together.  20yrs now I have given SO much up of who I am to raise our kids and be with him and make him happy.. WHY cant he ever do the same for me.  yes he will throw in the argument that he was in the military for 15yrs.  But I NEVER forced him to stay.  If I did then by choice I would still have him be in the military cause all the benefits helped us out so much.  But I am not talking about working.  We all must do that as adults to live in this world.

I was 15 when I had our first child.  I had to give up and grow up really fast to be a mother.  I missed out on so many things.. things I will never get back but I don't want them anymore.  I would never trade them for my children.

I would stay at home with our child(ren) so he could go out with his friends over and over again.  I felt so alone.  I followed him across the US and to other countries cause I love him and his job made him move so much.  I took care of everyone and him included before I even thought about what I needed..

I don't get that from him.  Maybe YEARS ago when we were kids and still dating before children.  He would do little things to make me smile every now and then.  Now I really don't get much from him but he takes a lot from me.  At times I feel so worn down and I am still doing things for him to make him happy..

I have to have faith that in the future he will want to make me happy and will find out what does make me happy..

I read a few posts on the CD forums today that made me smile.. not cause they were posted by my husband (My husband would never give up stuff like that for me completely cause its too important to him from what I can tell in the past 5mo since it all came out).. but because these men on the CD forums posted about how they love their wives and they cherish their marriage so much they were not doing certain things that were not "important" to them that their wives were SO much more important..

So where do I fall on his priority list.. I just know the kids and I arnt at the top or things might be a little different.

He asked me today if I was happy.. I cant even look him in the eye and tell him I'm not.. that I have a lot of pain inside.. WHY.. cause I don't want to hurt him... So i will let myself suffer it seems just to make sure my husband doesn't...

Jobless

I am still jobless and its making me feel stuck.. Like I have no other option in life.  When I wrote my husband earlier today and told him how I feel and that if we needed to be apart that I am at a point in my life it would be ok with me and that I understood that he needed to be himself (or sometimes sheself)  But I feel like I cant leave even if I felt that I needed to.  I have children that need to have a roof over their head and food in their bellies and I cant do that without a job.

I feel worthless from not finding a job.. having no job gives me no options in my life..

I am going to cancel my Dr Appt I had for next week.  it was for my esophagus because I am having trouble swallowing food again and it gets caught and I feel like im choking and I have to either struggle and wait for it to pass or make myself throw it up.. but right now even with husbands insurance I don't want to spend what little extra money we have on a appointment.. and I am not sure how much its going to cost.. then if I have to have the surgery again...I give up so much.. no one ever notices or see's .. but im selfish cause I want a manly husband 24x7

Im sorry

I apologise to everyone for not being faithful on my posts.  Since I got fired it seems everything has just been snowballing especially my emotions.  I am usually So awesome at keeping my feelings inside but as years go buy its getting much harder... I wonder if that's cause I have so much inside me that now there is no more room for anything else.  And to put something inside I must first take something out.

I have finally faced myself and came into the light of feelings that's I have tried to just ignore and put aside so that I could make my husband happy.

- I am not happy with my husbands CDing
- I am not happy I am married to someone who will CD until the day I die
- I am not happy that I feel I have to sacrifice what I want in a relationship just to make what I thought was a   true marriage work
- I am not happy that no one cares what I actually want and wont get upset with me for wanting things
- I am not happy cause I wish my man was the "typical" man and didn't wear girly things
- I am not happy cause my husband compliments "guy/girls" on the CD forums on their looks more then he notices me  (I got my hair cut.. VERY noticeable and he doesn't notice until my daughter tells him)
- I am not happy cause he calls me mean and hurtful names  (Bitch, cunt, etc) when we fight when I don't call him names and I cry
- I am not happy cause he never comforts me when I am sad or he never notices
- I am not happy cause I know he likes guys too even though he says he would never I'm not dumb I know he has his fantasies and that grosses me out

I am sad cause I feel like I am fading he notices me less and less and even when I try to do things to make him notice he never does anymore.

I am sorry to all my readers who are CDers but I just cant accept it for my husband.. I had the wool pulled over my eyes and was told to believe something that turned out to be a lie.. its hard to move on and heal from that.  I was never given the chance in the beginning to make the choice myself.. I was thrown in head first... and now I just hope somewhere at the bottom will be a soft landing..

I told my husband today I don't want this and this does not make me happy.. it all makes me sad..he said things which I think right now are lip service but we will see...deep down in my gut I know he probably really doesn't want to change or work on things with us..

But I have let him know how I feel and that if he needs to be free from marriage to be himself that I am fine with that.. but he says he doesn't and he doesn't understand where all this is coming from all of a sudden and that he loves me more then life itself and that if he didn't he wouldn't be around still.. but i cant help but have my doubts.. and now knowing that he knows others in the area (which out area is small) it kinda makes me nervous.. why??.. *sigh*  idk..

I just really need friends whom I can tell all this to and get all my tears out on them cause if i cry in front of him it upsets him and he doesn't understand..

I hate when people say oh you cant stop this.. they cant control it etc.. I find that as a excuse at times..I think if there was something you truly wanted and to accomplish in life that you would find a way to get it under control.. people with addictive behaviors have to find that control in their life.. alcholoics have to have control in their life to keep their addiction in line.. the ONLY time things are not possible is when you don't believe in yourself and don't want to stop.