Moody Females?

I have been told for the past 3 weeks or so over and over that I have been mean and bitchy and moody with no reason to be.  So when I get replies from him for any kind of convo its "go away I don't want o be around you"  or "your starting to piss me off"  or "the only thing you do lately is irritate me"  At least that's what I hear from him but he says it in a mean tone then I get upset and end up going upstairs and crying for a bit to let out my frustration.

Ok please understand this...

If everyday for the life of your relationship you do not do something for your wife but you sit on your damn ass and say
"I'm hungry what is there to eat"
"I'm thirsty what is there to drink"
"could you make me coffee" (I don't even drink coffee btw)..
"do we have a blanket I'm cold"
"here throw this away for me"  (trash is on the other side of his shelves by his desk where he is sitting.. he could reach around...)
"can you bring me my shoes"
"whats for dinner?.. eww why are we having that i guess ill eat it unless you want to make me something else"

and the list goes on but those are the major ones.. the ones where he should be a BIG BOY and do them himself and not call upon his wife EVERY TIME.. its not once in awhile this is what happens DAILY!

Now that I am working on his days off I am still expected to do this crap and make dinner while he sits on his ass all day on the computer then I get home and he asks "I'm starving whats for dinner.. i didn't feel like getting up and making lunch so I haven't eaten all day"  (YES this has happened it happened last time I was working.. if he doesn't have something "ready to eat"  then he wont get up and make himself ANYTHING)

So my first few days at my new job I came home and my feet were killing me.  The Dr told me in the past I stand on my feet a bit different (put my weight differently) then others cause I am missing a couple bones in a couple toes.. (I know sounds strange to me too lol)  So since I have been out of work for like 4mo my feet were really killing me to the point I was limping and holding back tears cause of the pain.  Yet do you thinking he actually helped me or took care of me or did stuff for me..... .... ... .. Nope.. I was still expected to do everything for him still and the sad part about it was "whats your problem you have only been working for 2 days and you are already in pain and complaining".. yep that's the reply I got.. then in bed "I don't know why you have been so pissy ever since you got this job and even before then you have been pissy to me for weeks now"

OMG I AM TIRED OK.. I am TIRED of having to take care of you like you are a little CHILD..  maybe I WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF... is that to hard to ask of you..for once think of me before yourself cause that's ALL I do with you.. I think of YOU first and put me last.. why do you think my health is so bad.. Dr suggests ."oh you need to have less stress in your life and get some breathing time"  (Yeah ok right... he doesn't know my husband)

Ive always told *J* that I would die before him and really I think I do.. once in awhile I'll pass by a comment like "god just shoot me now with your gun" or something to that matter on me and death.. "don't say that crap" is his reply..

He doesn't know though.. He has no clue nor does anyone else how much pain I have inside.  He doesn't know and no one else (well until now and whoever is reading this)  how many times I have prayed over and over just to die or how often I wished I was dead. and this isn't a joke type comment this is fully.. pain coming from my heart type of wishing.  At least once a week I question God on why I am still alive and how I wish I was dying or dead...  dying would be nice then maybe just MAYBE then *J* would care for me for a short while.  I know it probably sounds sick but he brings me to a point where I feel I am never good enough I am not allowed to feel any feelings unless they are "good happy rainbow and unicorn feelings"

I'm at the point now where I don't have hope anymore.. I have had it for so many years and since him coming out and other things he has done since then I don't have hope anymore.  There is no hope for a marriage with a couple who cant talk like adults about their feelings.. who have to say bad names and hurt the others feelings.. who treats the other like their personal slave at home... now see don't get me wrong I don't mind helping him i love helping him or doing things from him but I don't like how it goes 1 way or it goes OVERBOARD and h takes advantage of it..

I think he said to me once after I found out about his CDing

Finally!

Finally work has come my way!  Although I really don't want to jinx anything since I haven't  officially started yet but I am just to thrilled!

I got a job offer from Fred Meyers to be a cake decorator for them.  Although the first 2mo ill be just doing regular bakery stuff but after that I will be one of the decorators.  So I went in on Friday to hear the job offer and accept it.  They are going to start me out with the cake decorators pay since I will be transferring to that soon and less work for them etc.  Its a dollar less then I made at Sam's Club but I can live with that!  I took the drug test there and they are sending that off to the lab and they sent off my background check as well.  Since it falls into a holiday (4th of July) they said that it will take a bit longer for that stuff to come back but they hope its all back by the 8th cause that's when they signed me up for orientation.  So I am excited for that.

Onto other news...

Saturday my mom had planned a big spaghetti feed for the family.. my family, 3 brothers and their family, etc.. well hubby said we could go but then the day of he remembered he told a lady at work that we would go to her BBQ after he got off from work.. well..

He didn't get off from work until 6:30 then of course had to come home shower and change.. then we had to drive 20mi there.. and you know of course her BBQ started much earlier so by the time we got there everyone had ate, most of the food was gone and cold and well we knew no one there but her and they were all talking about stuff we had no clue about.. we all sat in her garage since it was raining (but it did stop like right when we got there).. the pulled pork she had made basically tasted like you were eating smoke.. i just really didn't enjoy myself or the food.. and i know the kids didn't either.. my kids are teens and all the other kids there were 8 or under so they just sat next to us the whole time.. time seemed to go by so slow.. i kept looking at my watch lol..

While I was sitting there I couldn't help but want to look at all the men's legs there (they were all wearing shorts).. and yep they all had leg hair.. *J* wasn't wearing shorts.. he doesn't really wear shorts in public and not sure he really would now that his legs are very hairless and shinny and white..then when I went up to my moms the next day I was noticing my brothers leg hair (he might as well be a bear with the leg hair he has.. and *J* doesn't even have 1/4 the leg hair my brother has..that is when *J* is not shaved).. lol yes I am not officially obsessed with leg hair.. probably cause my husband no longer has any and I miss it..

So 2 nights ago we got into a argument.. well kinda.. I was just down and he noticed but if I brought up any of my feelings to him he tells me that I always complain about him and make him at fault for everything or that i need to just stop bitching etc.. so when he asked what was wrong (AND WHY DOES HE ASK ITS NOT LIKE HES ACTUALLY GOING TO LISTEN AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A ADULT CONVERSATION....UGH!)   and of course to avoid being made to feel bad for what I am feeling inside I told him nothing i was just tired.. and of course he kept pushing cause he says he knows me and something is wrong.. but nope i kept telling him I was fine cause i know him and how he reacts to my feelings..

I just really don't know anymore.. don't know if I can do this forever or if I want this for the next 40+ years if we are blessed to live that long..  I want to be happy i really do.. I wish i could be the perfect wife and accept the things he does and not have it bother me but I cant and maybe I am selfish but part of me doesn't want to.. part of me wants to tell him that he lied about who he was so why should I be the one to make the sacrifice to change what I want in a person just to make our marriage better

Never before this had I ever given any thought to how manly men can be etc or that it was on my list of things I want in a man.. why cause that's what I expected most men to be like.. manly..  (and no i am not saying they cant have emotion.. i think men should feel ok to cry publicly etc..)  But now its like I'm missing that and its effecting how I feel...I am sorry if i want the norm.. or what most of society calls the norm.. when something comes into the relationship that was a lie for so long its like a mistress.. a unwanted guest.. it poisons the marriage.. and really if the person who held that secret for so long does nothing to help the marriage get back on track and just expects things to be fine that is like giving someone with a gunshot wound a simple band aid and saying here put this on it and you will be fine..



can someone please tell me if craigslist allows people to sell guns on their site..  I am not asking cause i want to buy a gun.. dislike guns and hubby's has some anyways lol.. I am asking cause in my mind I keep going back to when I was working before last November and I got a text from my husband saying "I will be the one in the DC hoodie by the elevators".. there was something else but that was the basic of it.. then like 2sec later i get another text by him saying "lol sorry i didn't mean to send that to you i am meeting someone from craigslist to look at a gun they were selling"  ... yet at that time we were broke so not sure why he would want to meet someone to look at a gun...

then as most know the next month is when I found out about his CDing and also found out about the naked pictures he put on yahoo with his yahoo name and all the guys on yahoo that would message him and talk about sexual things etc.. I want to make sure I am not being blind about something like that I don't want to be walked over if he is doing something like that behind my back.

I just want to trust him again and have that trust i use to have for him.. I always thought he was the one person I could trust that he never told me wrong...

I'm not happy even though I want to be happy with him.. hes been my life.. I just wish he appreciated me more or at least showed it if he does cause lately I feel like crap =/

I want...
to be hugged out of the blue
to be told I'm beautiful even when I am not looking my best
to be told how important I am
to have little things done for me every now and then
to have my feelings heard and not feel bad about feeling the way I do
to not have to worry
to have someone wipe my tears when I am sad
and mostly...
to be happy and feel like a priority to someone

So long my Spiderman! xoxo

So maybe I am behind a bit on my movie knowledge but I was looking up movie trailers tonight and looked up Spiderman 4 and noticed.............. NO TOBEY MAGUIRE!.........  I am crushed.  He is one of my celebrity crushes and I loved him in 1, 2 and 3 Spidermans..

Now they decide to take the Spiderman movies a way different direction and send Spidey back to high school.. WHAT!?!?!.. So ofcourse Tobey turned down the role.. what 34yo man wants to play a high school student... they have different writers and everything this time around.. the whole Spiderman cast is BYE BYE.. no MJ in this new movie either.. whats a Spiderman movie without MJ???  Is this all because Disney bought Marvel??  Trying to get that "tween" audience just like the Twilight movies are famous for?  Makes me sick..

No one wants to see Spidey in high school..  I was looking forward to seeing Spiderman 4 this next year but now I think ill pass.. which will be the first time in years I've passed up on Spidey.

Odds & Ends #2

So here are some more quotes I have come across on FB and like but I cant post them cause family will ask me if I am ok and my husband will ask me whats up.. so ill express them on here to you all.  Remember these are not wrote by me but by random people on the FB Status Shuffle.


wishing i could just end all of this then i couldn't hurt anymore & everyone can move on with their lives knowing i tried but just couldn't handle it anymore


realizing i fell in love with who i thought you were and got hurt by who you really were


I just wanna be the girl.


Either stand up and be the man I need or sit down so I can see the man who is standing


When you love a girl, Fight for her, Show shes the only one that matters, Dont do something you know you shouldn't, Don't watch the pain break her and do nothing


Emotionally.. I'm done... Mentally.. I'm drained.. Spiritually.. I feel dead.. & yet physically..I smile =)




and we will finish with....


...needs to be someone special to someone at least once

Unhappiness

So I was reading a post on the CD forums with someone who posted about their wife and they are getting separated now but not divorced.  In the post they talked about how they could see the pain and sadness in their wife.  Makes me wonder if I am just a super good actress or my own husband just ignores the pain and sadness I have.  Anyways..

They had been married for 20 some odd years yet she had known for a good mount of time that he was a CDer.  I guess from what I understood she had this pain/sadness cause she was not attracted to him anymore.  She wanted more manly etc and he was to feminine for her liking.  Which brings me to my latest struggle...

Leg hair...

Why is it so important to me?  Its hair that grows on the legs.. most women shave it off.. some men shave it off for sports.. So why do I have this issue?  I can think of a couple things which go back to the above of me talking about the wife who felt unattractive to her husband... I am not attracted to men with legs that are shaved.  I just cant get over it.  Even sports figures I  see who have shaved legs I just really get turned off by it.  The feeling against my legs.. it makes me really want to just grow my own leg hair out so I don't have to feel that feeling from his legs on mine.  (Which I confuse I truly thought about doing that the other day.. but if I don't shave then he gets upset.... go figure *rolls eyes*).. feeling his legs after they are shaved is just way to smooth for me and makes my skin basically crawl.. it turns me off.. i don't want to be next to him.. yet its just leg hair right?  *sigh*    The 2nd reason why I don't like it cause I know it links him more to his CDing.. Its not what I want.. but this relationship now I see it has not ever been want I wanted.. none of it has been about me... its always been about him from the start of our marriage.. I give in to his wants all the time.  My kids even see it and have now called him out on it.. me doing every little thing for him even if I am busy at the time and hes doing jack shit.. i get up and do it for him...

*Sigh*

I want to be noticed like that wife above.. noticed by my husband.. I want him to notice that

I'm Broken..

Urgent Care Visit

So since April I have had this swollen area on the base of my neck kinda between my shoulder and neck and above my collar bone.  Its just swollen and doesn't hurt or anything.  So at the time I thought maybe I pulled something or something minor like that.  Still hasn't gone away so I was just talking about it on FB  and some friends and family replied that I need to get seen.  A guy who went to school with my mom said that his daughter had something similar and it turned out to be Hodgkin's..

So I decided I would go in today just so they could look at it and tell me "oh its nothing you should be fine"  So the Dr comes in and feels the area then said give me a minute I need to grab someone so I can pick their brain.  So a second Dr comes in and takes a feel too.  They then decided that I need to have some blood work done as well as a CT scan done. He said really there are 2 possibilities.. it could be fine and just a inflamed area or it could possibly be cancer.. or even thyroids but he says with as far down is it that it probably isn't my thyroid but they are still testing for that.

Monday the ear nose and throat Dr is going to give me a call cause I need a appt with them he said.  He sent me home cause the tests were taking to long to come back with results then what he first thought so he said he is going to call me once they come in.

Now I play the waiting game...

The job is his

Well...

He got the assistant manger job.  And it becomes active July 1st.  I am really so very proud of him for doing such a awesome job and excelling in his job.. in a industry where it is hard for him to excel.

I still have my worries though and I think I am entitled to them given the past.  He will be going for training for 1 week from what I understood to either WA or OR.  So I think my stress level in that time is going to be a bit high.

So a few days ago I posted on the CD forums in reply to a husband talking about his wife just finding out about his CDing after they had been together for 15yrs and him hiding it from her.. I went into a trust issue and brought up my husbands job possibility and how I nervous and inside parts of me doesn't want him to get the position cause of my trust issues with him...

Well...

Hubby read that post and basically flew off the handle.. he came out of the bathroom (he takes his iPhone in there and looks at the CD forums) snapped at the kids and told them to go to bed.. didn't talk to me and just had a all over negative poop attitude.  He didn't say a word to me.  He came into the living room took the controller and turned on a show that we had recorded and still didn't say anything.. so after the show I went to take my bath and then sat on the couch.  I asked if he wanted to talk about anything he said not at the moment hes too busy with his game..So I thought ok whatever..

well I went up to bed and he comes up and bitches saying I left everything on for him to turn off (god only knows how many times I am left to turn lights off or lock the dogs up myself).. then mumbles about something about us sleeping in the same bed so I said fine ill sleep downstairs..  Went downstairs it was about 2am at this point.. laid down on the couch with my dog and cried and cried not knowing what was up or why he was so angry.  Cried until about 7am when I finally fell asleep.. before that point I wrote him a quick email letting him know I had no idea what he was pissy about and that I stayed up until 7am hurt and crying cause I was clueless about what was going on.

So about 10am he comes downstairs and once he went into the bathroom I headed upstairs to lay in bed for a bit and get warm under the covers.  He texted me said he replied to my email and what he was upset about.. well it was the post I made about his possible job.. and instead of seeing WHY i was hurting and my FEARS from that post he just saw all negative that i just want him to fail etc.. which was NOT my intention..

I guess he had also made a post on the forums telling them to delete his name and his posts that he was not coming back.. but this was NOT the end of it he said.. whatever that means.. but of course he has been back on.. i knew he wouldn't.. he had said with me on the forums he cant just go there and get support and make friends that I am there and I make posts too so he cant be himself cause i always make him look like shit.. which i don't.. or if I do i don't mean to.. I post exactly how I feel I don't cover it up.. and I post truthfully.. its not my fault if he doesn't want to talk to me about my feelings or he doesn't recognize how I am feeling.. that forum is the only place I have to connect with others and express myself about this issue..

what am I suppose to candy coat it like I do out marriage to family?

*sigh*

I'm tired so ill write more later