Struggles

Let me start from the beginning of yesterday.

My husband had yesterday off from work and I worked until 4pm.  He texted me around 10am just telling me he loves me and to text him when I'm on break or lunch. So I ended up taking my lunch at 11:30.  I decided to bring him home something nice to eat so i stopped and picked us up something.  I get home unlock the door and all of a sudden hear the bathroom door close and him yell out "I'm using the bathroom"  so I thought "ok".. I looked at the ground by his computer and he had taken all the CD disks out from the little cubby area from his desk which also has a door on it.  I thought that was weird but ok.. So I sit down and eat then he comes out looks at the food and only grabs the drink and goes back to his computer and says "oh I was just cleaning up under here"  but leaves the stuff out on the floor and does stuff on his computer.  Still not eating his lunch I brought home nor did he say thank you.  he then turns to me.. "did you get my text"  I told him I did earlier yes.  he asked me then "Why did you not text back and tell me you were coming home?"  I replied with that I was not sure why I had to tell him when I was coming home.. to "our" house.. he looks at me and says "whatever"  so I know something is up.. plus while he was supposedly using the bathroom I heard a lot of russeling around.  

I finished my lunch.. held the puppies for a bit and asked if he was going to eat what I brought home for him.. he said yeah in a bit.  I said ok then got up to use the bathroom.. used the bathroom then decided to look under the sink.. that's when I found under the towel trying to be hidden (since I came home and startled him).. his "girl" items..the hiding again the secrets.. its slowly killing me inside..

So I came out and told him "yeah I need to go" with tears in my eyes.. he got pissed and said "whatever".. I turned around and said "why.. why do you have to hide things from me I'm not dumb and this hurts me"  He said I only see things my way...

MY WAY???  umm if I only saw things MY way i would tell him that I am done unless he stops.. I would not have been fighting for us and trying my best..  I told him hiding is just the same as lying and keeping secrets.. that I was hurt... that if I didn't come back right away from work that i was fine..

I went to the truck cried a bit before I left then drove to work.. he texted me saying he wont bring any of it into the house again that i can believe him (I don't anymore and it saddens me to say I cant believe my husband).. he said he threw it all away.. which I doubt..

So I wrote him a email.. I told him in that email that ever since I found out almost a year ago he has been trying to stretch the limits we both agreed on.  What I agreed on at that time that i could deal with was the underwear, tights and sometimes the clear polish on his toes if he must have that.. ever since that first pedicure we had together and he tested that boundary with getting french tips on his toes and I was very sad over it he got pissed at me for being upset.  Ever since then he has started to hide things and just do whatever behind my back.  

AND he THINKS that I cant tell or don't notice.. I told him I have been with him since I was a CHILD.. I can just about read him like a book when something isn't right.  I told him I know you have been hiding things for months.. that's WHY I told him MONTHS and MONTHS ago that I would not wash his woman clothing.  If he cant have respect for me with being truthful and respecting our boundaries then I don't want to wash his stuff.  

So he texted me again at work saying he got my email and that he was sorry for fighting and he will get rid of it all BUT the things we originally agreed on last December.  then he goes on to say "do you think that I could get some shoes.. meet in the middle.. maybe something not so girly but something he could wear"  so hes still trying to push it..

I told him as far as the shoes I am not comfortable with that just yet.. just like in the past I was not.  you have not given me time to heal through this process of finding out.  I am still very deeply hurt.  I don't see why if its just clothes that you enjoy wearing why you have to have a wig make up and shoes unless you plan to go out somewhere.. why is all that necessary.

and I have been thinking today.. I think if it was JUST CLOTHES like he liked to wear undies or just tights every now and then under his clothes that I would more more ok and more accepting.  but I know its not and I know for him its deeper then that and deeper then he will confess to me to.. hes said it on the forums before if he could live 24x7 as a WOMAN he would.. BUT he stated that he has kids and a wife so that isn't going to happen..

CDing his actions online since i have trust issues about that and I'm scared hes gonna go back to that again..  

I am still so HURT that he spent his extra money on shoes our anniversary week.. and I had to give him money from my bank card so he could buy me a card.  I want to be FIRST in his life not come in second to this CDing.  

I told him.. He is the first thing I ever think of.. when at home with cleaning cooking etc.. buying things.. etc.. i never well RARELY just go buy something for myself.. its ALWAYS "hmm I wonder what I could get *j*  he would really like this" .. DOES HE STOP AND THINK WHEN HE GOES AND BUYS HIS CD ITEMS.. "maybe I should get my wife something special for being so good to me"  No.. its always about him.

I posted on the forums a bit on my situation a little bit ago.. I got some great replies.. I don't know if he has read them.. I wish he would.. even other CDers saw my pain and made some great suggestions.. I wish one would just take him under their wing and talk to him.. to let him know that I'm not trying to be the bad guy that this is hard for me too and that helping me through it would be a good thing..  my other fantasy is for him just to try and stop.. even if its for periods at a time..where he doesn't do any of it but then maybe like a year later needs to wear a pair of panties.. but that I know isn't possible

It seems too that ever since he joined the forums last year he has become more in a pink fog and more of saying to me "this is who I am you cant change me and if you don't like it then there is the door"  there is not really ever a compromise with him.. since he joined the forums he tells me I cant stop this and you putting limits on me doesn't help..yet looking back he was never this extreme even though I didn't know at the time I just think back to past behaviors and he never did laundry anyways so I would of found things in the laundry or when I cleaned up etc..  

So part of me kinda dislikes the forums because there are a lot of people on there who seem to be close minded especially to those who come in and say they really would like to just stop.. but all those replies end up being "you cant don't even try" etc.. I know of a few who have stopped for the ones they love.. i know its not easy.. but you would think that if you love someone SO deeply that you would do anything in your power to make them happy... that is what I am doing.. I am trying SO hard to be accepting at least of some right now so that he is happy.. am I happy about having to do this NO.. would I like it if he would just say "baby I know how much this hurts you and how much I have hurt you by not telling you.. I am going to try and stop.. it will be a slow and hard battle but I want to do this for you"  yes of course I would love that.. but that's not what I'm going to get..

So I will keep on giving and giving of myself.. hopefully that I will get back something from him in return.. that's what I am missing I think.. I just feel myself giving and him just taking from me.  (btw his 2 days off.. no house chores done no dinner made.. i came home and did everything then when I fell asleep on the couch I get woken up "your sleeping why do you do nothing but sleep?"  and I explain to him cause I have to come home and do everything he gets pissy.)

Ive had a really hard time lately with myself.  Ive had more suicidal thoughts in my head.  Really I am scared one day I might act.  My mind tells me I wont but what if I hit a breaking point?  He doesn't notice how much I'm hurting inside and he really doesn't see the extent to m wishing I was dead.  I pray at night to God to just take me.. let me be with my grandpa.. let me just be happy and comforted cause my life is hurting me.  But so far I guess God still wants me here.  Its probably awful for me to say but there are times I go to the Dr and I wish they would find something... there is history of cancer in my family.. and I was told my esophagus has a higher chance of getting cancer cause of its condition.. I know its awful to say and someone really shouldn't wish for that.. but maybe if I was terminally sick that he would care more or at least show it more.. i know he cares about me but the showing part is hard for him..and yes that's childish for me to say too but deep down its how I feel most of the time and I just needed to let that out.

I am so much more happy when at work (a least the days that *j* also works)  I laugh and have a good time.. when at home it never ends up that way.  I want to be that way but I am so torn down there is nothing but hurt.

I am going to try to go to the DR while he is at drill in Iowa for 2 weeks in November.  and I am going to see if our insurance will cover me going to talk to someone.  I need to feel that I am not crazy or dumb for having these feelings.. actually for having any feelings at all.  Then hopefully they can get me on some kind of meds.  Ive been trying ever so hard not to self injure.. it really is a struggle just like CDing in a sense.. and I have been good.. but having thoes emotions of worthlessness just inside are making my health worse and keeping it all bottled up.  With the self injury it helped me feel like it was in a sense released.  

I need to start writing more on my blog to let things out.  I just get so busy and tired and depressed I tend to forget until something big arises.

My hopes:

that I can trust my husband again

that I can become more comfortable

that he could tone it down and not have to do CDing every day off

that he can be more open with me

that he would comfort me a bit more

that he can find someone on the forums that he would actually listen to cause he thinks everything I say is just cause of PMS or something

Sorry for such a long post.. I just needed to get it all out there.

Im tired...

Tired of not being able to have a convo with him without him getting so defensive and making me feel like its wrong for me to feel the way I feel.. so i hold everything in..

his legs are shaved again..i hate it.. it makes my skin crawl..i dont want him near me.. he asks me whats wrong.. i lie and say nothing im just tired.. i cant talk to him about it cause he gets mad and says I take everything away from him

"I take everything away from him.."

What has he taken from me..I am giving up everything I loved about him everything i loved about a relationship between us everything i thought a man was.. to this crap... so i can hide it all deep inside so he can be happier.. and i can slowly die.. and pray to god every night that he just take me in my sleep..

i hate myself...

I started crying

I started crying on my way home from work today. In the middle I whispered "I just want a man". I don't want a man that wants to play dress up every now and then. I don't want a man who shaves his legs and they reflect the light like a barbie doll. I don't want a man who likes to loon at other men too.

I want a hairy man with scruff all over. A man that I can cuddle next to and call him my Teddy bear. I want a man who wants to make me happy like I want to make my man happy. A man who will do anything to make me happy just like Ive sacrificed to make him happy. I want a man who will put me on a pedestal and be satisfied with just me. I want a man who wears men's underwear and men's clothes. (I think men's boxer briefs are so friggen sexy).

I guess u can say I just want a man...

I caught myself today looking at men's legs. The hair. Out if the tons of men I looked at not a single one had shaved shinny legs. And I saw over 100 pairs of legs today. I look at men more now then I use to. Noticing things seeing them as attractive. I didn't before all this....before all this I was satisfied...

I wanna just throw in the towel

I really don't know how long I can go on in my relationship. Inside it's just killing me. Why didn't he say something to me before we got married. Sure they say it's hard for a cd person to reveal such info but omg he took me as his wife he devoted his love to me. And he didn't love me enough to tell me before so I could deciede if I want to live with this my whole life??? Its slowly killing our relationship. I don't know if I want to stay anymore. But I feel stuck. I can't support my 3 children on what I make at work let alone I couldn't support myself So I'm stuck. Stuck in a marriage I don't want to be in. A marriage where I married someone I didn't even really know. Ha ha jokes on me we decided NOT to give you prince charming BUT instead give you princess charming.

I want out. If my husband knew how unhappy I was he would twist it all around so it's my fault and he's the angel and I'm just the one who complains about everything.

Deep in my heart I wish he would stop. I wish that he would wake up one morning and say "you know thus hurts my wife the woman I love. She never asked for this". But yeah we all know the classic line that it's impossible to stop or don't make a cd choose. Well you know what you are making the wife choose between being happy or having to deal with this the rest I'd her life.

It's been awhile

Its been a long time again and I apologize.  Work has really got me "working"  My 'normal' days I get up at 4am clock into work by 5am and work until 2pm.  This last week a 1/2 I have worked 9 days straight.  I finally got a day off yesterday and today.  Thank God!!

I like my job pretty well.  Although I wish I was decorating already.  But not yet... And come to find out there is one girl who is there working who is slotted as a cake decorator as well  (but I have been told she isn't great at all)  So she could pull seniority on me and take it before I get a chance.  Its union so she would be able to do that *sigh*  I really hope not.  I miss the decorating part the creative side.  I am a very creative person and wrapping bread all day or packaging stuff and stocking tables does not feed that need to be creative.  Granted I did do a wedding cake on the July 31st which turned out awesome I think and I did a short notice for my sister in laws bday cake which my mom requested.  But still I want to do more.

We went to the fair yesterday.  It was canned food day.  Bring 4 cans of food and get in for only 2$ (8$ savings)  Had a pretty good time although like usual after a bit hubby starts to get impatient and then things just arnt as "fun"  they were fun but I could tell the kids get kinda stressed when he tries to rush them or he doest view things from their eyes.  Hes better though then he use to be.  I was thinking after we left how awesome it would be to have a cupcake booth at the fair but I am pretty sure just to get the space needed it would be pretty spendy!  One can dream!

So things are "ok" on the home front right now.. well at least until the next full moon lol .. although I still cook and clean on his days off (my working days) I wish that would change.  I come home so tired then he acts like I shouldn't be tired when I start to pass out at 9pm watching our shows.. "*k* wake up why the hell do you keep falling asleep?"  Ive talked to him about it and explained that I get up at 4am im tired i work all day in a freezer lifting heavy boxes and crates and walking across the store etc.. i don't get to be in dress clothes and a tie in a office setting walking 2 feet every now and then to help someone.  She he apologizes but it only lasts for that day and the following week when I am exhausted again I must explain that to him again.  Sometimes it turns out good and a few times it has turned out bad our convo.. and him ending up saying that I am being bitchy or moody and he is tired of dealing with me.. but more often he will listen lately.

When I forgot to make the Internet payment and it got shut off the other day and I had to pay it (my mind hasn't been together since ive been so tired... going to bed at midnight/1am and getting up at 4am isnt good) he actually didn't yell at me about it.. usually in the past he always had.. it made me feel good =)

Well I must go to the store and gather the stuff I need for dinner tonight.. on tonight's menu French toast and bacon =)

Truth/Lies

Down in the dumps a bit right now I think and was just going though a few of hubbys old posts on the forums that just seem to make me sad and wonder why he saying some things on the forums yet telling me other things.. this post for instance.. his intro on the forums

He said I "knew" he CDed.. at the time it was probably 2000 we were messing around one night just being silly and he put on some undergarments (wernt his) and i did his make up.. I just thought we were fooling around I had no clue then about CDing or that it even existed..yes I was young and dumb.. its around the time that he told me he was bisexual and I foolishly agreed to him experimenting with men.. hate myself now for that foolish mistake.. anyways which now I am reading this from his post..

"I have also been bisexual since an early age so that doesn't help she knows I've tried things with guys before but thinks it's in he past."

The key words there "THINKS its in the past".. and before that.. he wish he could live 24x7 as a woman saying he would be more happy as a woman.. is he a CD or is he on the line of a TG??? CD is the one that still want to be men right and not want to live 24x7 as a female??  *sigh*  Did no one on the forum even notice that part of his intro and not say something or did they not really care to.. ive seen others called out for it.. ive seen others called out for being bisexual and wanting relationships with men but they are married and seen others say once your married you need to be committed to your wife only and leave that in the past.. but I guess not on his post...

I dont think I can go on much with this anymore.  I have had sever urges to do self injury and have a couple times but i am trying so hard to stop that.  I cant even talk to hubby about anything he gets upset and we never talk.. he always tells me "oh i dont go on those forums anymore and I love you why dont you believe me why cant you trust me"  I even brought up the craigs list issue about the "gun" he supposedly went and met someone to look at (yeah ok..) but he never discusses it.. Why cant he just admit it to me and free me from this pain.  I told him to come clean about it or anything else that now is the time to do so but never.. he makes it so hes never in the wrong...

im the bad one.. im the one that cant be accepting of him that cant do anything right.. im the annoying one the one that doesn't deserve to be listened to..

I wish he saw the pain in my eyes and cared.. (After being together for 20yrs total you should be able to see that or sense it and want to make it all better.. or at least try right?)

I just want him to come clean.. I think if he came clean about everything no matter how much it hurt me I would be able to breath a bit better.. I would be able to think a bit clearer and it wouldn't consume my life daily.

I guess I am just overly tired from working such wacky early morning hours and not getting enough sleep and its making my head spin..Im scared.. and I cant tell him that cause he just gets upset with me.. im scared what hes going to end up doing when he has a day off when im not around..I love him.. the last thing in the world I want is to be away from him forever.

Odds & Ends #3

Here are a few more odds and ends that I have saved up and just wanted to post here before I lost them
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The one person in the world i would go to if i was sad, is the one who's making me cry.


All I've ever wanted was that "happy ever after". Why does it always slip away? Whats so wrong with me?


I've gotten so good at hiding the pain that even I don't know what I'm feeling anymore.


Being sad doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you've been strong for far too long.


Live the life I've led.. See what I see; Hear what I hear; Feel what I feel.. THEN maybe you will understand why I do what I do.. Until then, do not judge me.