Doing good

I want to do something good with my life.  Something that will bring others happiness when they might need a helping hand.  I have always thought there is some sort of reason for my life.

I am the product of a date rape.  My mom was 16 when she had me and her and my grandparents decided to choose life for me.  The parents of my "father" wanted her to get a abortion.  But my family does not believe in that (Thank God!)  So I was born.

At first they were thinking about adoption for me.  From what I was told by my grandma I actually went and lived with a couple in a town not to far away from where I was born for a week.  After that week I was back and my grandma knew that they could not give me up.  They decided that they would raise me since at the time my mom was not really ready to be a parent.

I am so very grateful that my grandparents raised me.  I think I had a very good life.  I was raised well and we went to church every Sunday.  I was happy I enjoyed my life as I knew it then.

Looking on my life there must have been a very good reason God put in my moms heart and my grandparents heart to give me life and to keep me.  I must have some other purpose on this earth.

Now I would like to own my own shop.  I would give anything to have my own cupcake shop in our town.  My goal is to get one set up before I am 40.  So I have a few years to hopefully get everything I need and to research everything.

When I have my own shop I would also like to do good for the community.  I would love to have a children's day once a month where possibly lower income children can come and make and decorate cupcakes.  to have a special time where they can grow in many talents.  They can make something they are proud of and can also take home and eat.

I would also like to donate some cupcakes to the food bank here.  For those families who have young children with birthdays.  It always makes someone feel good especially a child when they know something was made for them.

And yet another thing I would like to do and I hope to start this soon,  possibly for next winter.  Is collect winter coats hats mittens etc for the children in my community.  It gets really cold in our area (can be as cold as -40) and having a nice new coat and mittens to keep warm is can warm their hearts as well.  I am thinking of calling it the "Warm hearts project"

And lastly another goal that I have been wanting to do for such a very long time but not sure how to get started on it is to gather donations for young/teen mothers who do not have the necessary things needed.  To help them get a jump on things.  Things they might need if they don't have a supporting family or the means necessary to get what their babies need.  Clothing, blankets baby items etc.

I know I have a lot of goals and dreams and if I am lucky maybe at least 1/2 of them will come true.  because when everyone in the world helps and sees the world as a better place it becomes a better place.  We all need to start paying it forward a little bit at a time.

The good things

My life isn't all horrible.  There are many good things that I am thankful for which help me every day to stay positive.  My husband may not be the best gift giver but over the 15yrs of marriage he has learned and I think this Christmas he finally understood a bit more of "me" and what I really want.

In the past he would always get me some type of jewelry.  Which is very nice but I'm not a big jewelry fan.  I hardly wear any except for my wedding ring.  and the jewelry he would get me would be very fancy and it wouldn't go with just a "everyday" outfit.

I remember back to when we were first married and living far from family it was my birthday.  he was gone and came back with a 200$ tattoo and then handed me my birthday present.  It was a set of steak knives which he got from this discount convention thingy where they advertise great quality items for cheap.  oh and he got us a 56k modem.. which really I know was for his benefit and not really mine since I really didn't care if we had one or not.  I think I was upset then cause it didn't feel like he "thought" of me when buying a gift.  just he thought of what he would want and then just threw in the steak knives.  Which really were not that great of quality now that I think back on it lol.  and I think I was a bit upset that he went without me knowing to get that expensive tattoo.

But this year he actually thought about what i really wanted and what I had talked to him about.  He knew my mom was getting me the kitchen aid mixer that I wanted so he decided to go get something to go along with it.  he got me this wonderful glass mixing bowl attachment for it.  it wasn't cheap by any means either.  Then a few days after Christmas he got me the veggie slicer attachment for it.  Now those were gifts I loved.  Why you may ask would I be so happy about getting kitchen items like that and not the knives..  Because he took the time to listen to me and know what I really wanted and he went searching for it at more then 3 stores.  it showed his love to me.  Since in the past when I would tell him things like that I wanted.. he would reply with "That's not a gift you get you need something better (jewelry in his mind i guess)  So he has grown and has learned that the best gifts aren't always the most expensive or the most flashy but the gifts that come from listening and come from the heart.

I love him for that.  I love that he took the time to listen to things I was saying when I would say what I would like.  Since I don't buy much for myself its nice to have him go out and buy me something knowing that I would never buy it for myself but I would love to have it.

I hope he keeps this up.  =)

Limits

When I found out a few days later we set some limits to what I was comfortable with.  I think for just finding out this was a BIG step for me and so I don't think there is anything wrong with what I ask.  Here is what I agreed to.


*Only clear nail polish
*Only panties and nylons/tights/stockings
*Nothing frilly that just screams "girly"
*No bras, Shoes, skirts, dresses etc as far as clothing (I am ok with the "underclothes" for now)
*And last.. No makeup


(I didn't agree to the shaving but he does it anyways and he knows I'm not comfortable with it yet he really doesn't care.  Maybe I wouldn't mind so much the shaving if it wasn't a constant thing but a once in awhile thing..small thing to some people but I do miss some of his body hair.. I was always attracted to it and now its gone.. )


Sometimes I wonder if then I should of said that it cant be every day or the majority of the time.  Cause he always has his toes painted (And now I have to deal with french tip which is still on his toes and really bothers me) and 9 times out of 10 he is either wearing tights/stockings under his clothing and or panties.  Can't there ever be a time where he just wants to be my man for most of the time?  he comes home from work showers then basically puts the things on.. he has to always have his toes painted...


I'm afraid to even bring it up now cause any issue with the CDing that I bring up he gets all pissy with me.  So how do I get the point across to him that sometimes I would just like him to be my husband without all that stuff on?  I cant really.  He hates me to talk about it and so I just deal with it and feel hurt about things so that he can be happy. And we don't have to get into a argument.


Why is he the one who gets what he wants and gets to be happy?  I'm always making sure he is happy but there is no one around who is making sure I am happy.  Ive done it to myself though.  Being young and in our relationship I didn't have a mind of my own yet.  (I was in my very early teens when we started dating.. now I'm in my 30's)  he was always controlling when I was younger.. what I could/couldn't wear how short I could have my hair etc.. and I followed his rules cause I wanted to make him happy.  Over the years I think I have lost myself in trying to do everything to make him happy.


I guess maybe I thought this for now would be a occasional thing of him having painted nails or wearing the women's under clothing and the shaving...I think though I would be more tolerant with it all if he didn't shave.. I would still have that sense of him wanting to be a man but just liking things that women do.


Sometimes I feel like the forum we have joined doesn't help him much but feeds on his desires and fantasy's. So many talking about what they wear and where they go and what they buy and fantasy's etc.. that it puts him in a "pink fog" a lot of the time.


Something that did bother me which was said on the forum in post that i read in response to my husband posting about me finding out is "When you dress do you do stupid things like cheat on her (oh wait, no, you don't, all you do is wear some "odd" styles for a man to wear)"   Well you know what he has cheated on me and when he is dressed he has taken naked pictures of himself to post online and tell people he was horny.  another part of that post was saying do you show her disrespect do you beat her.. well many times i have dealt with mental and physical abuse.. now its just mental but in the past there has been times of physical.  They don't know me and don't know my husband or our relationship so they must have it in their little mind that all people who CD take on the women trait and are kind caring people who laugh and giggle with their wives.. not the case at all..


I wish my husband was more kind and caring to me wanting to know and listen to my feelings but hes not.  if I try to tell him something of how I feel.. I get the reply of "I don't want to hear this now" or "I don't want to talk about this now" or "Are you done bitching and complaining yet?"  And then usually a big fight cause I feel so alone inside and trapped with all my emotions to myself.


I don't want to make this blog all about the negative I want to have some sort of positive in here.  From everything I have typed it probably doesn't make my husband look very good as a person.  but I love him so much with my whole heart and he does good things to and we have been through a lot and he has changed so much from when we were younger which has kept me to stay with him.  I just wish we had better communication.  And i wish he would look more at the posts on the forum for help rather then whats your panty color, what kind of shoes do you like etc..


I'm jealous sometimes of the forums cause the way he talks to ppl on there so so caring and nice and its like in RLhun we are all here for you"  or "Its ok hun" or "you look beautiful hun" etc.. hes more comforting and giving words of comfort to strangers then he is me.. I want a bit of that.. I want him to care for me (taking a pause for a moment cause this has brought me to tears)


I want him to hug me to tell me that hes there for me too...how much he loves me and that I'm not going to lose "him"  that he wants to make me happy..for him to ask me if I am ok or need to talk about something (in a caring tone not a harsh tone when he asks me whats wrong)  For him to hold me more out of the blue.. to help me with things around the house..(He doesn't do anything around the house.. no type of cleaning or helping what so ever.. once in a great while he will make dinner but its always me)  I'm tired of trying to be so strong and put on a happy face when I am hurting inside and need him but he doesn't understand and gets frustrated thinking that I am just whining or complaining.


I don't want a whole  fairy tale.. I just want parts from a fairy tale.. moments...

We continue

So now I am back from eating dinner and watching a movie with my husband.  The night I found the dating site info and the naked pictures of him wasn't good.  We fought.  And instead of him even having one bit of sadness in his face for what I had found the only thing he could basically say is "what your spying on me now?"  How can I trust him if he isn't going to tell me the whole truth from the beginning?  I still feel to this day that he is hiding something more from me.  I just don't know what yet.  Do I really want to know?..yes and no..

There were things he has posted in those forums that I have asked him about.  His reply basically is that I am reading to much into it or he didn't mean to post it that way..But you know what.  If I would of posted the things he posts on there do you think he would take it so lightly?  Not at all..

I often wonder if he would stick around or stick by me if I wanted to be male.  if I wanted to wear male clothing and bind my chest so it didn't show and lower my voice etc..  Then I start to think.. well hes bisexual so that might turn him on and he likes being the woman.. so giving him that example of how I feel and how I am hurting really doesn't work in this situation.. but any other person I think would understand what point I am trying to make.

We set boundaries and already they have been crossed.  One of them was only clear nail polish for now.  That's what I am comfortable now.. i mean heck its only been a month.  Well we go get our monthly pedicure and he gets french tips on his feet..I just about was in tears at the salon and he said he thought it was ok and apologised.. I'm not attracted to that.. right now it turns me off...I want him to think of me for once and what would make me happy...

I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy before myself...

I don't know if there is anyone who wants to make me happy or thinks about what would make me smile..

Does he not notice that I don't truly smile to often?

He said "ill just take it off then at home"  my reply.. "no that's a waste of money"  (In my head though I wanted him to say no I'm taking it off cause it makes you sad..never happened)  Oh wait I forgot before then he said "ill just get it done next time when your not around"  my reply "no that's like doing  it behind my back and i know you still have it... seeing it being done isn't the issue"

How do I explain daddy's toes to my 12yo daughter if she see's them... shes already noticed the "glossy look"  and i try to pass it off as i didn't notice or must just be the light..hate lying to her..  *sigh*

I'm crushed the boundaries already got tested.. it hadn't even been a month...but its my fault.. i replied to his email saying "Do whatever cause I'm not going to like it right away and ill just hold you back from being you so do what makes you happy"  I guess my "dream" reply from him would of been that he doesn't want to do anything that doesn't make me happy.. but again not the case.. he wants himself to be happy that's for sure..

since i found out there isn't much he says to comfort me..if i bring up any topic on CDing.. ANYTHING.. he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it or says we always have to talk about it (which we don't) or its gonna piss him off.. BUT he does want to talk about when we can go buy panties together or get our pedicures.. but nothing that will try and heal us..

I am trying SO hard to be all accepting of this.  But its hard when I see his painted toes all the time (even knowing they are under socks makes me sad cause i know i ts there) him shaving all his body hair.. and even his dang arm hair..like every trace of his manhood he wants gone.. not even asking my opinion on it all but just DOING IT..

I'm just in a sad place and I just want my husband to be the one to lift me up and tell me we will get through this I am here for you... but..

I have to life my own self up from the ground and keep my marriage going cause this is the man i fell in love with whom i have children with..i love him more today then I ever have.. my love has grown for him over time .. its been tested many times and in those times which it was tested it grew stronger..  I will not let this love go without a fight.

So that's the history recap.. hopefully I can post some good things in this blog too.  But now you know why its my Un-ordinary life.

The Beginning

This is the beginning of my blog.  I decided to start this blog cause I do not really have a place where I can express myself and my feelings.  There are things I cant talk to others about and I need to let this stuff out of me. I had a regular "paper journal"  but one day while in a heated argument with my hsuband I tore it all up.  it had pages and pages of my feelings.

So a bit about me without giving away too much of my information.

I am married and have children and dogs.  We have traveled around quite a lot over our 15yr marriage.  I think now we finally found a place which we can call home.

My family has a big secret.  Well my husband had a big one which was kept from me for years.  My husband is a crossdresser.  I found this out and the extent of it in early December 2010.  I was just going over the bank statement and found some charges to places I don't remember seeing anything bought for and a place which sells beauty supplies and wigs that I knew I never have been to.  So that night I went directly upstairs and we through the whole bedroom and finally found a small stash of things inside a plastic gun case which had a lock on it.  a lock which I knew the combination to.  Opened it up and I found tights, shoes, skirt, bra, wig...

My soul was crushed.  Life as I knew it was a lie.  I felt like my whole 15yrs of marriage had been one big lie.  How could he do this to me?  how could he want to be with me and marry me and not tell me this and give me the decision then if I wanted this in my life.  now I was thrown into it without choice.

Lets go back a few years.  I had found out my husband.. the man I love is bisexual.. another thing he failed to tell me before our relationship or marriage.  How could he be bisexual hes suppose to love me and only want to be with me.  this hurt me and still hurts me that he identifies himself as bisexual.  To me he should of gave that up once he started a relationship with me.  So being young in my marriage when I first found this out and him "talking" to guys on yahoo I went ahead and told him it would be fine for him to go "have relations" with a guy he had been talking with.  So he went out late at night to do this.  I cried and cried.. I didn't want this deep in my heart but at the time I felt like if I didn't allow him to do this that he would end up leaving me because he wasn't satisfied.  I loved him so much then (And still do to this day)  and I think it hurt even worse that when I told him its fine that he didn't even think twice about it.. that he went and did this.. that he went and had sex with someone other then his wife.  I only know of 2 times where he went.. But I have a gut feeling that there have probably been many more.. doubt he will ever tell me about it..and I don't dare bring it up now.

So back to me finding out about his crossdressing.  He was working that night so when I went to pick him up I acted like everything was fine and I knew he would be going upstairs to get his clothes to change into.  Well he did and what was there.. the gun case open with his "hidden stuff" all over the bed with a short but sweet note on it saying "Fuck you!"  he called me upstairs.. and said we need to talk.  He started to talk to me and I just didn't feel like he was "sorry: for any of this.. he kept calling it a addiction and a demon inside him.  He said he wanted to try and get "cured" and told me if he throws it away that it wont help any cause later on he will just go buy more stuff again.  i felt NO heartfelt talk come out of his mouth.  I told him that if I had found out that he cheated on my instead I would of been able to understand that better..

So then a couple nights pass and I am doing a search online for some support on this issue for myself in our area.. well I come across this one forum and this "female" name on there which has the same location as us.. and I looked at the picture they had.. and looked again at it and it was MY HUSBAND dressed as a woman with make up and a wig.. and in OUR CAR!  He had actually gone out of our house dressed.  I felt so sick to my stomach and he drove our car around town and to the post office etc.. when I use that car about 80% of the time and the car has features on it which makes it unique so you cant really hide from it.  I read posts about him taking off his wedding ring.. talking about how he imagines during sex that he is a female.. how he is bisexual.. how he wishes he could be a woman 24x7 but now has to live with his fate (I assume his marriage to me).. there were more things that i read that hurt me but I don't want the list to go on and on..

since we have moved.  A few weeks before this all happened he sent me a text saying something like "ill be by the elevators I'm the one in the DC hoodie" etc.. then texted me right back saying "oops sorry that was meant for someone else I am going to go look at a gun i saw on craigs list"  now thinking about it we didn't even have money then for him to buy anything like a gun why would he be going to just look at it when you can go to the stores and look at guns.. doesn't seem like him..

So then a few more days pass and I guess I let me curiosity get the better of me and I looked up his yahoo name and viewed that profile.. he had his "female" pic on there.. pictures of his private parts (which should only be for me to see).. and after that posts saying "I'm bored"  and another saying "I'm horny"  this hurt me so much.. I am still holding on to hurt from it.  my husband who basically preached truth and honesty to me is now someone I view as dishonest.  I love my husband I don't want to think that of him.  After that I found a profile which he made that was for that Ashley Madison site or whatever its called where ppl go to have affairs on..i confronted him about it and he said it made it a long time ago and he was just curious.. yet it had his current info on it and he put a lot of time into the profile... that hurts..

I need to go finish making dinner ill post more in a few.