Shave & Sacrifice

So I noticed last night that my husbands leg hair is growing.  And now I cant help but to wonder hes doing this out of sacrifice to me.  And then I start to think so matter which side wife or husband one or the other has to make a sacrifice.  And I think that a lot of CDing marriages have that.

With a wife that is trying to be supportive even though she may not be 100% comfortable with the whole idea.  Her saying to her husband "Its ok I want you to be happy" And maybe a part or a small part of her is doing it just so that she can make the man she loves happy cause that's what she likes to see is him happy.  Even though they may set boundaries she is still sacrificing a part of her happiness.

But then you have the husband who wants to CD and he loves his wife a lot and wants to make her happy.  So if she says or kinda mentions that something bothers her a bit even though he feels like something is being taken away from him he does something to make her happy and sacrifices a bit of himself to make her happy.

They both really do this without notice.  Maybe one day the wife hopes that the husband will notice the sadness in her eyes even though shes trying so hard to hide it and be strong and make him happy.  And he hopes one day that she will understand his wants to dress in what he wants without worry of making her sad.

So this is a hard situation.  And its not really a win win situation unless either the wife puts herself and feelings on the line and says "Its ok go ahead and dress and do as you please I want you to be happy"  Or the husband says one day "You know I know you are trying to make me happy but I can see the sadness in your eyes this brings and I don't want that"  So who wins no one really.  There are small sacrifices on each side.  Who's to say who gives more and who gives less.  I think in the end there is no right or wrong I think that it comes down to what your heart tells you.

So while I am happy that my husband hasn't shaved his legs in a while I am kinda sad cause it makes me feel selfish that I told him that it even bothered me and I didn't find it as attractive.  True that I did love his leg hair he never had a bunch hes not a hairy guy but I did miss it.. its something over the years of our relationship I got use to.  But deep in my mind I keep thinking is he doing this cause he loves me or doing this with the thought in the back of his head saying "fine! whatever!" and will hold it against me later on.

Sex Drive

I apologise to those who read my blog that I have missed a couple days.  So I am trying to make up for it now.

Sex Drive.. My sex drive use to basically be non existent.  I am not sure why but I have some sort of clues as to maybe..  I started mother hood when I was almost 16.  From that time on I was busy taking care of a child while still a child myself.  Then I had baby #2 when I was 18.. so then I was taking care of 2 children at my still young age.  then before I turned 21 I had the last.. baby #3.. so I had 3 children at once 5 and under.  and I was still was young myself.

Not to mention that my husband.. even though a adult by law was sometimes more of a child/baby then all 3 of my children combined.  I took care of him as well and basically waited on him hand and foot.  At the end of the day I was tired and not in the mood for anything what so ever.  Maybe it would of helped if he would of helped me out around the house or with the kids.  But that never happened.  I became really depressed.  Probably cause of the big responsibility I had as well as the mental and occasionally physical abuse at that time. To me sex then was like a chore and 99.9% of the time he was the one who was asking for it.  I cant really think of a time back then when I actually asked for sex cause I wanted it. 

This lasted well many many years.  and I am sorry for my husband cause I know it must have been frustrating for him.  most of the time when he did want it I would give it up but there were times when I didn't.  I was just so tired inside and out.  I didn't even feel attractive.

Now this past year its changed a bit.  Well quite a bit.  I tired 32 this past year and well my sex drive has changed as well.  Now its like I cant get satisfied with it.  I wouldn't mind having it more then once a day.  Which is like a big extreme from before when I didn't mind if we had sex once a month.  Although sometimes I get bummed cause there were a couple times a month or so ago that he just lost it during sex and we had to stop.  It makes me feel like I don't turn him on enough anymore.. I know that's not the case but I cant help feeling that way.

Even though all the stuff I found out this year about him you would think I would of lost some desire to have sex with him.  With the CDing and the yahoo chats and him wanting to be with men.  But that hasn't stopped me.  maybe it would of in the past but hes my only sexual outlet so I guess that's what goes in my mind and I love him and his whole body just turns me on.

So as I was reading women usually peak in their 30's and the average age is 32 so I guess I fit those statistics pretty well.  I just hope it lasts for awhile.  I would hate for it to be short lived.

Date Night & Breakfast Date

So Wednesday we had off together.  So Tuesday night we decided to go to a movie together.  Just the two of us.  Its been awhile since just the two of us without the kids have been to a movie.  AND as a added plus he let me actually choose the movie.  I cant remember the last time I got to choose the movie.  Usually we always go see movies he wants to see.  Action etc.. so we went and saw "No Strings Attached"  Such a cute and funny movie.  And yes he even enjoyed it.  Even though he called it a chick flick.

So that night we decided that we would go to breakfast together while the kids were at school.  So I got up in the morning with the kids and got them off to school then went back in bed with hubby to snuggle for a bit.  We both dozed for about 1 1/2hrs and then he got up to take a shower and I got up as well.  We both got ready for our breakfast date and then headed out the door.  We decided to go to a restaurant near us called The Bakery.  We had not been there yet and my parents go there quite often so we thought it should be pretty good.

I ordered biscuits and gravy with hash browns as usual and hubby got some skillet meal with ham and peppers and stuff.  They were nice size portions too.  So it was nice.. and nice not to cook too =)  I suggest to him that maybe the next days off we have together which is Monday and Tuesday that we go out for drinks and appetizers and just have a nice evening out.  We really have never gone out on "dates" much since we have had children which has been since I was 16 lol so its well earned by now since our children are 12 and above they don't need a sitter anymore.  And we have needed time away to ourselves.

So I look forward to our next date night this next week.  It helps me reconnect with the man I married and feel close to him again.  Like it reminds me I still have things in common with him and we can still have fun together.

Laundry Day

I am up at my moms house today doing laundry.  The washer and dryer at our apartment building is broken once again.  But it never really did a super job cleaning anyways.  And plus there are only 4 washers and 4 dryers.  And out of those only 2 washers work and only 1 1/2 dryers work.. the 1/2 one doesn't dry on the first set of quarters you put in.  So my parents have been wonderful at letting me come up and do a few loads here and there.

So of course I bring along my laptop so I can pass the time while I type on my blog or work on my CityVille on Facebook.  And I also plan on vacuuming out the car today while I am here in their garage.

Tomorrow I go back to work.  I enjoy my days off I just wish I had 2 days off in a row.  Right now I have Mondays and Wednesdays.  Next week though she gave me Mondays and Tuesdays off.  (YES!!)  then the following week the same.  As for the weeks after that I don't know yet. We will see.  (Keeps fingers crossed)

Not really too much is going on.  We are trying to sell our "junker" car that hubby bought in September.  A girl came and looked at it last night with her family.  I'm not sure if she is going to buy it but we will see.  I really hope so we could use that extra money about now.  Hes had other calls on it but this is the only one who has came to take a look.  Although we had to jump it a few times.. its been really cold here like -35 below and we haven't even started it since early November... so it was a bit cold.  I hope it gets warm enough today to where it only needs one jump. (Fingers crossed)

Tired sorry...

Sorry a bit tired tonight so ill post another good song.

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything


Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction, oh
But you'll never see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You've got the talkin' down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah 

Young Love

My husband and I have been together since I was 13 and he was 15 almost 16.  It was late summer of 1991 when we first met.  He was actually dating a "kinda" friend of mine.  He decided to break it off with her while we were all at the mall.  Well she left and it was just him, his friend and me and another friend of mine.  Later that day my friend and I were talking and I said that I kinda liked him.  So she called up his friend (they were dating at the time) and told him.. within a few mins he asked me out and we started dating lol..  (ahh to be young again)

Well the news caught wind and the other girl his ex found out.  She decided to call the radio station and dedicate a song to him (Someday by Mariah Carey) and also to tell me on air that I should go flush my head down the toilet.  (lol)

We never spoke since then.  But it wasn't a great loss to me since we didn't talk often and weren't very close.

We dated for a couple months then he broke up with me.. cause his friend said that he shouldn't be dating a 8th grader cause he would "get no where".. so of course my husband (then BF) listened to his dumb friend .. but that really didn't last long.. about a month and we were back together again.  That Christmas I remember I gave him a ID bracelet.. it was like puppy love.  We did everything together.  School dances, mall, movies, church.. just hanging out, and eventually camping about 2yrs later which led to how our oldest son was "created"  (I will go into that topic on my next posting)

So we have a long history together.  a total of 20yrs together this August.. and 15 of them married (16 this October)  hes all I've ever really known and hes all I really want to know.  We have defeated many odds together and been through so much in our lives.  I do believe that he is my soul mate but I believe that its something we both have had to work at and learn.  We started off as children and now we are adults and our likes/dislikes and views change.. and we have had to deal with all of that.  But I must say that looking back I am actually much happier now (since first married) then I was in the beginning.  We both have matured in many ways.

We still have a LONG ways to go but life is a journey.  If it was easy then it wouldn't be called a journey and it wouldn't be a learning experience and might be a bit boring. I know there will be more tears in the future but I also know there will be times of happiness and joy too.  Its those things that I must always remember instead of dwelling on the bad things.

**On a side note I must share that since my husband has taken off the french tip on his toes he has not put any polish of any kind back on.. its nice to have it that way even if its only for a few days**

To write love on her arms

I would like to take a short moment and share this link with you

TWLOHA

It is a special site.. and it helps awareness of depression, self injury (Which I deal with) addiction and suicide.  I think there still are people in this world that don't understand it enough to know that these are serious issues.  Knowledge is good.  And learning about new things is great.  And learning about this can help our world.  You never know sometime in your life you may come across someone who is dealing with something similar to this and you might be their "light" to help them on the path to recovery or at least better understanding.

This is a big world and we don't need anyone to feel alone.  Everyone deserves to be loved no matter what they struggle with.