"Hate"

I got a letter the other day in the mail from my uncle.. (well not sure if I still call him my uncle or not.. since my aunt (moms sister) and him are now divorced) 

Anyways I think last year I told you all that he told my aunt he was gay and that they were now separated. the divorce was finally final now. The one marriage that I thought would last has ended. They seemed to be so strong in their faith and love and marriage. And all this time for years he was keeping a secret. So parts of me knows what my aunt was going through. Even though I cant tell her about my situation and probably would never want to anyways I can connect with her. Makes me question my own marriage.. mine sure as hell is a lot worse off then what hers was (from what was shown) how am I getting through this every day.. my mind still cannot wrap around it. 


I hate it.. 


and I hardly ever use the word "hate".. 


but I hate this.. 


I hate that I have to be put through this BS... 


I hate that I was never given the choice on if I want to live a life with someone who wants to pretend to be a female every now and then.. who knows maybe years down the road he will want to be female 24x7.. 


I hate that he never told me that he lied to me and hid things from me. 


I hate that he could live with himself with all these lies and tell me all the time how much he dislikes liars and that they are cowards for lying.. 


I hate that I was never his number one.. cause you cant be someone elses number one if they have secrets if they do things behind your back.. if they put themselves first and what they want before your own...

And lastly..

I hate that I hurt so much all the time and that I feel alone while others seem to be accepting.. it makes me just want to stay in a corner.

Courage

25 years struggling with sorts of different pain.  25yrs ago this April my grandfather passed away on our dining room floor at breakfast time as my grandma was making pancakes and bacon.  I was 8 almost 9... He was 57 almost 58.. Our birthdays were 4 days apart.  He was my father cause he is the only man who had raised me since I was a infant.  I got this tattoo 2 days ago in remembrance of him.  The Diamond and Spade have meaning.. and if you have ever played Pinochle then you will know.  he taught me that game when I was 6 or 7.

its located on my wrist... this was done for him...

I struggled to try and be strong for everyone after he died.  I didn't want to be a burden for anyone.  I hid my pain I was going through.  that was the start of a lot of my problems with self injury and later a eating disorder.

Almost 21yrs ago I met my husband.  I got pregnant 18yrs ago when I was 15.. I became a teen mom... and a year and a half later I became a teen wife.  I depended way to much on my husband.  So much so that the mean things he would tell me I started to believe.  I didn't know better then..

15yrs of marriage I find out on my own by finding stuff hidden in MY bedroom.. that my husband is a CDer.  I find out that he has been out of the house dressed in our town (which isn't a large city).. in the car that I drive around in.. which is distinct.  

I try for the first couple months to learn and try and accept this even though my insides are crying and hurting so much from all this pain.. but I want to do this for him and make him happy..

Not often have I done things in my life to make me happy... I live to make others happy... my own mistake....

He still hides things and goes past our boundaries and I come to the conclusion that this is something that I wont be able to accept.. but I have tried....I want credit for that..

I received the comment to find the courage.. that I make the conscious choice to live like this until I decided to do something... which is why I put up the image from the wizard of oz of the cowardly lion.  The lion had friends along his path who finally helped him find his courage.  Even though it was there the whole time it was still the light from others who helped him see this in himself.

Finding courage isn't something that can happen over night especially when you have 3 children and have been in a relationship for 20yrs and your esteem has been broke down.  You have to build up yourself over time and yes it does take time.  God I wish it could happen in a instant.. that I could just be this strong woman that could think of herself before others and what she needs first.. but that's not me.  

I have changed and I have gotten more courageous over time.  I speak out a lot more but I have 25yrs of hurt and pain inside that I am still slowly working through.  I have a family whom I love and whom I want to try my best to stick together.

If I was similar to the cowardly lion I would have friends whom I could share things like this with who could help me on my path to finding my courage but I don't.  Since I have to keep my husbands secret and I would be too ashamed in the first place to tell anyone I know about it..

Which is why I have this blog.. as a place to vent when I am feeling down a place where I can come and type anything and reflect on things and again over time grow stronger and read the inspiring comments from many.  And hopefully help some stranger along my way who may be in a similar situation.. maybe I can help them find their courage.

So yes I make the conscious choice to stay in my marriage.. I make the choice to not have the communication in the relationship as that which I would like.  I've gotten better BUT I will communicate when I feel "safe"  If I don't feel safe and I feel like he will blow up.. ill just be quiet.. I pick my battles.. if that makes me wrong.. then I'm wrong..

My courage is growing...

That I am proud of...

Surviving

Well my husband has been out of state now for his manager training since this last Sunday.  He will return on Friday night.

Its been kinda rough.  Just my gut feelings and I.  I saw a transaction for a salon for like 40$ while he has been there and it kinda made me sad and made my brain work in overtime.  Thoughts like "I wonder if he got color or he got his fav pedi which seemed to be french.  If he got color I wonder what color he got.  Is he going to tell me about this?  What if I brought it up would he confess to it?  He hasn't gotten a pedi here in like 6mo why now?"  Then he also went to Target and spent like 150$.. what does he need for a 150$ (He actually told me about going to Target.. he never told me about going to the salon).  All his meals are paid for by the company, his hotel is paid for.. he has a rental car.. he said "well I needed to get a few things at target drinks and stuff for the hotel room" .. yeah ok...(non-believer)

So it was eating me up inside and changing my outward mood towards him when he called me that night.  It was just a "blah" mood.  He could sense it too.  He asked me what was wrong and I just told him I was tired from work. (I know I lied to him but I didn't want to get into a argument over the phone while he was away and I didn't want to be accused of snooping)

So after the phone call I decided I would write him a email.  I just couldn't keep it inside.  I didn't feel good at all.  So I wrote him a email telling him that I saw the transaction for the salon and that I didn't understand how he could validate spending 40$ for his pedi when he left me with no money (We live paycheck to paycheck so we saved like 250$ for him to have just in case down there.. and trust me saving that was hard for us... he did have 300$ but before he left I needed a little gas and some groceries to get me by until payday on Friday).. so I asked him how he could just go spend that when the kids and I are basically living off from nothing while he is down there.  (I am super mom I can make meals out of thin air... but still I found it selfish).. Then I asked him why he spent so much at Target if he only got some drinks and a few snacks.  I don't understand how it could total 150$.  And that I assume that he bought his "special items" at Target.  I told him for months now I have been dreading him going away for business cause I knew what he would be doing and what he would be spending his money on.  I cant get the images out of my head.  I told him when he said he was going to have dinner with some buddies from these classes he is taking I kept thinking that was a lie and he was going to meet "someone" and that I know I should trust him its just hard and its eating me up inside.  He was always saying how he wished I could of came with him.  But I told him I really didn't think he actually wanted me to go with him cause I would just ruin his "special time"

I told him not to be upset.  That I love him and I am just trying to express my feelings to him.  That I love him so much all of this hurts me.  If I did not love him I wouldn't be hurting so bad from thoughts like this.

I was expecting him to be quite upset with me and telling me that I ruined his trip etc.  But he didn't.  The first thing he told me is that he loved me.  And that he is sorry he did not leave me with some extra money.  That next time when I tell him ill be ok and don't need any that he wont listen to me and he will give me "x" amount. he doesn't want to see me struggle like that.  He also confessed to the pedi but told me he only got clear polish.  He also confessed to buying a few things at target (which I am guessing includes a pair of shoes cause that's his weak point is women's dress shoes).. and hes sorry for hurting me.  That he does love me and has been trying even though hes not at 100% yet.  And I have seen progress.  He hasn't used clear polish at home he hasn't worn anything that I know of and his "special drawer" is basically empty.  I am not sure where some of his items went.  he says hes trying.  I want to believe him but then I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again.  But at some point I need to try and trust again.

He also said that Im on the CD forums to much and that it doesn't feel like "his" support place anymore cause I get angry with him if he posts on there.  WELL.. the only time I got upset was when he posted crap like his panty color, how he fantasies about being a female in the bedroom, how he wish he could live 24x7 as a female BUT hes married and has children, how he took off his wedding ring when he went out dressed, and the comments he makes on other men's CD pictures like "oh thats sexy hun, very cute hunCding.. then he asked everyone for help..    So I replied to him that on that forum there is a section that is private where the men can go and post etc.. IDK why they never use it.. its like they want to flaunt everything in the public area... when I need support from the other wives on there I post in the private area for the wives.. and I get my support.  there are times ill reply to posts but they will be posts where someone needs support or advice etc.. I'm not posting my panty color or flaunting things or telling strangers how sexy or cute they look... I'm not saying to the public how much I want to be a man BUT I'm married (BTW I DON'T want to be a man that was just a example lol)

Anyways so I wrote him back and added in a bit more.. a bit more of my personal inside struggles with not wanting to be on this earth and that everything might be a little better for everyone.  And that I don't want him to think less of me cause I feel this way.. and I am not a weak person or stupid cause he has always said people who commit suicide or try are weak..  I told him I am hurting so much that sometimes its hard for me to take and it scares me.  but I want him to know that information cause I love him and I cant do everything on my own.

he hasn't replied back to that email yet he kinda talked about it on the phone with me.  He said he loves me so much and it hurts him that I am hurting so much and that I think he would be better if I was gone from this earth.  He said that he never wants that and that he wants me to feel loved and not hurt so much.  He never wants anything bad to happen to me.  I told him these arnt feelings I can just stop having or shut off all of a sudden.  he said he knew and understood..

So some progress I guess.  Still not 100% but everything takes time but I am glad he knows some more things now.

It's been awhile

So its been awhile since I have made a post.  I apologize for that.  We we will start off with some good news for this post.

Yesterday I was told that the pastry case at my work (the one that I am a full time pastry clerk for) is now #5 in the whole company.  :)  Makes me pretty happy.  In December we were #15 and in October (which is when I took over that position) we were doing awful,  we were #29.  So with all my hard work I have moved us up 24 spots since I took over.  I pretty proud of myself for doing that.  :)  So I have decided to share a few examples of my work with you all.

 

 

 

 

And that's just a small sample of what I do at work.  Its pretty fun and helps me relieve stress and think about something else for awhile.

---------------

Well onto how I am doing with the CDing part of my life.  It hasn't been in "my face" but I think the fact that I am aware he CDs and that he has some other feelings that I didn't know about but read from posts on certain forums just has hurt me so much inside that its really hard to get over.  Its been a year and I don't feel any better about anything.. I know its going to take time.

He leaves this Sunday for 5 days.  It worries me.  So I am a bit more down when not working.  I'm not dumb I know hes probably going to get panties or whatever down where he is going for his training for work and probably wear them with other things in his hotel room.  Makes me so sad.  I want to trust my husband so much.  for YEARS i thought he was the one person that I could always trust.  He always talked about how he hated liars etc.. yet he had been hiding things from me for our whole relationship/marriage.  So that image of him always being so truthful and open with me was crushed in a moment.

--------

Other then all that I am doing ok.  I have been sick since around Christmas time.  It takes me longer to get over colds cause I am not allowed to take certain medications cause of the condition of my esophagus.  And it takes longer for my throat to heal up.  So for the past couple weeks I've been coughing up a storm.  Today was a bit better though,  although I feel like I've been eating cough drops like candy lol.

I will try to write more but I cant make a promise.  Hope everyone reading is doing well!  thanks for taking the time to read!

Travels & Trust

I think I mentioned in a previous blog post that my husband will be doing some traveling for work about 5 days in Jan, Feb, March and April.  He will be going out of state and the company is putting him up in a hotel etc.  At first he thought another co-worker would be going with him but then found out they are going somewhere else.

It just makes me so nervous cause I just know that 99% sure he will dress in some way.  And I know before he had talked to people about a transformation service.  It hurts me.  Yet I cant tell him any of this cause he will just get mad at me that for one I don't trust him and second I just like to be bossy.  I wish he really just noticed how much this all deeply hurts me.. and that he would want to be my band aid and make sure I wasn't hurting.  But hes not my band aid.. seems like lately hes more like my knife.

How can I trust him.  Trust has been broken so many times and how can I just say "I will be OK and I will trust him to be truthful to me".. cause I have a big gut feeling that he will be in the big city with more options and will basically be in what others call "Pink Fog"

We got into a argument the other night and my feelings go hurt really bad.  I went to bed crying silently until around 130 when I finally passed out.  So I am not one that likes to do laundry.. I don't mind putting it in the washer and dryer.. but its the folding that I hate.. so in our bedroom was a pile that had collected.  And day after day he kept asking me when the room was going to get picked up cause he was sick of looking at it.  Well I work full time too and at a more labor intense job (well compared to his job) So every night of course I come home tired.  I don't even change out of my dang work clothes.. I come in sit on the couch for like 10mins to check my emails/FB and then work on getting dinner started and picking up the downstairs etc.  Then I go to pick him up from work and come home and finish dinner.  After dinner we usually watch a bit of TV then I end up passing out on the couch while hubby will play on his computer then he wakes me for bed.  I don't see why he couldn't work on it as well.  When he talks about "cleaning"  he always talks "we"... "we need to get this done..we need to clean this tomorrow" etc.. does it ever happen to be "we" doing it.. nope.. its actually me.. the only thing he has cleaned in our house since we moved here 17mo ago is his computer desk and the shelves next to his desk.. NOTHING else has he done in this house.. not even a load of laundry.. he has not lifted a finger to help me at all.. his thing is "the kids can clean this.. or that" but I'm sorry I'm a adult I'm not going to have them clean everything.. I wish he would pull his weight.. omg the other night he actually had to wash his own plate.. and well I heard about that... anyways back to our fight.. so he asked me "when is this going to get done"  I told him I didn't know.. and I didn't have a answer for him cause I wasn't sure if I would get to it tomorrow or on my day off etc.. his reply to me "well im not going to bed until you give me a answer"  I replied with telling him I am not sure and I am not going to make a promise to him and not end up getting it done.  so then he decided to reply to me "You just fucking nasty.  You have been a nasty person since I met you"  I was deeply hurt and I know I probably shouldn't have said anything in backlash but I did.  I told him "Well your a jerk of a husband who doesn't do anything to help me".. then we went to bed.. me crying and him snoring within 5mins.

So the next day after work.  I didn't sit on the couch to rest.. I didn't do anything but go straight upstairs and clean the room.  When I picked him up from work I was still in my own work clothes.  when he asked why I was still wearing my work clothes I told him because I was cleaning the room.. his reply... "well I didn't mean you needed to come home and do it.. I thought we could work on it together on our days off"... Yeah right.. try and be sweet now.. he ALWAYS does this.. he gets so mad and angry at me and says hurtful things that make me cry then when I do what he wants me to do he gets all lovey and tells me the total opposite.  *sigh*

Well my grandma left this morning.  She invited us for for dinner last night.  I knew my husband wouldn't want to go cause a few days earlier he was complaining and said its been too much family lately.  So I made up a excuse of why my husband couldn't go.  It hurt me BUT I acted like it didn't when I interacted with him.  But in my mind I want to give him a taste of his own medicine and pull that BS on him when we visit his family again.. and tell him to go without me cause I just want to sit around and play games and BS while he goes and says goodbye to family.  My grandma told me to tell him that she was sorry he had to work that night (which he didn't).. and that she loved him and would see him next time.. when I told him this his reply "OK".. I really wanted him to say "You know I was wrong I should of went up with you cause it was important to you and since you support me so much I want to support you too."  But that's just my "dream" reply.. he will never act like that or talk like that.

I'm starting to realize more and more just how much he really never lifts me up.  Only when its convent for him.  When I am down and hurting when he has caused that pain he rarely will comfort me.  Maybe I just am expecting too much...

Happy Holidays!

So I am starting out this blog post with some cupcakes that I made at work.  Just to kick off this holiday post.  Luckily these cupcakes you wont gain any weight with hehe =)

Ok so to update everyone.  Things are still the same with my husband and I.  But I really didn't think things would be different.  I feel sad inside but I try to be "happy" on the outside.

My mom gave me a surprise.  A few days before Christmas she told me she was going to be stopping by my work cause she had something to give me.  So I said ok.. well I was working on a few things for the pastry case and I happened to look up and my grandma was standing right there.  I was so shocked and confused cause my grandma lives in another state and I was no expecting her for Christmas lol.  But it was a awesome surprise.  She will be staying here until Jan 4th.

we had Christmas at my moms house.  The kids all opened their presents.  My husband and I decided this year that we would just buy for the kids and not get gifts for one another.  We were very tight on money anyways so it worked out good.  I got his a video game that he wanted a few days earlier but told him it was not a "Christmas present"  lol

I don't think he has been dressing or under dressing lately.  But then again he hid things from me for 20yrs so who really knows.  its just a feeling I have inside and usually I can tell lately when hes hiding something.  He did have his toes painted not long ago but then after a few days took off the polish.  I felt better inside when I knew it was off.

I'm still sad though I still wish that things were different. Things take time I guess.  I do hope we can work through things.  This man I married is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Which is why I am trying so dang hard all the time no matter how much it hurts me inside...

Sadness

I feel overly sad lately and I feel selfish for feeling this way.  I feel like I have lost what I truly believed in and was working so hard for, my marriage.

I don't tell my husband how I feel cause I know him all to well and I know he will be upset with me or tell me that its always about my feelings.  I don't know how to express to him how hurt I really am deep down inside and that I am not sure if I can live my life forever with this new chapter in our lives, the CDing.  The very thought of him even wearing anything that is female from the smallest of things like the panties or nail polish (even the freakin clear polish now bothers me cause its a reminder to me.. i hate myself for it I hate myself that I cant just look past it and get over it.)  All of it is a constant reminder to me.  I have so much pain locked inside my heart.  Who knows what its really doing to my health at the moment.  

He is all I've known.. hes my everything.  I cant just leave.  I would have wasted 20yrs of my life if I was just to leave to try and make myself happy again.  My world would turn upside down.  For starters I wouldn't even be able to support myself let alone my 3 children.  I hardly make enough in my line of work.  My checks basically cover us from his check in between.  They don't pay major bills.

But I DON'T want it to be over.  I always pictured us growing old together.  But I am scared.. scared that I am losing myself so that he can have a bit of himself.. He does not fully dress daily.. from what I know he only has some stockings left since he decided to throw away all his panties cause I told him if he was going to wear them he could wash them.  So he just threw them out.  He said he threw out other things like shoes and stuff but I don't believe that.  They are probably hidden somewhere in the house.  (Even though we agreed that at the time I was not ready for shoes either) And I am sure there is more stuff hidden.

I wanted to cry the other day when we were at the store and we passed the nail polish remover and he says "I think your daughter has hijacked the remover so we need to get more" ... well I don't use it..so he must need it.. but not sure why he needs it for clear polish which is what we agreed to in the past.. so I assume he has other colors hidden in the house.. but just that moment I wanted to just crawl into a hole and never come out.

I cried today for myself.. I hate crying over myself.. it makes me feel so selfish.  But I couldn't hold it in.  I was typing a PM to someone on the CD forums and the topic of my grandpa came up.  I looked up at his picture on the wall and just wish he was here to protect me and comfort me.  I don't feel like I have anyone around me to protect me to keep me save and make sure I am happy.  its not like I can tell someone in my family about this for them to give me a hug and support.  I am alone.  I cant talk to my husband about it cause well in his words "this is who I am you will just have to deal with it".. where is that someone that will protect me and want to see me happy?  

Just a bunch of negative crap has been going through my head today.  I just cant get out of this funk.  I was in the car driving and then started crying remembering a few months ago (probably in feb or march) when my husband and I got into a argument.. I believe it was cause I wouldn't help him find something at the time cause I was busy and he looked straight at me and said to me "why don't you just die"... how can you say that to someone you are suppose to love and cherish?  Even if I was completely angry with him (which I have been lots of times)  I would never wish him to die.  That phrase he said to me haunts me often.

I just wish this CDing thing would go away.  yes I know its not that easy or maybe not even possible.  although I have gotten a few PMs lately on the CD forums telling me stopping isn't impossible but you have to actually have to have the strong desire to want to stop and keep on the path.  I wish he would stop.  I would give anything if he would just stop.  I never tell him that and I never would.

I want to be important to him.  I want him to think of me as a big priority in his life.  I feel that I'm not.  I feel he doesn't treat me as one.  At times yes but often no.

We will have the same days off soon.  I think that will help me a bit with the stress I have on his days off.  I m scared to even come home unannounced cause of the last time I interrupted him and got yelled at for it.  Its my house too yet I feel like a guest who has to say "is it ok if I come home today?'

I work outside the house in a job where I am on my feet the whole time and heavy lifting as well as running around the store.  I enjoy my job.  Going there is kinda like a breath of fresh air.  My co-workers are nice and we all chat and get along well.  Then I come home have to make dinner and deal with children and a husband too.  I'm pretty lucky that my kids help me out most days.  but its wearing me down.  its not like I am a stay at home mom anymore with all the time on my hands.. I work then come home and work some more.  I wish it would get noticed.

I am sorry but I am not attracted to my husband at all when I think about his Cding.  its a BIG turn off for me. And kinda makes me sick inside.  its just not my thing.  Sure there are women out there who like that but that's not me.  it makes me sad.  I wish he could see my sadness or if he does I wish he would be the one to wipe these tears away and give me comfort.

He will be going to training for his work probably in January to another state.  I'm scared..Trying to trust him but its been bruised.. and I'm so scared....

I feel alone here in my life...