I know all of this isn't suppose to be easy to get use to but I still find myself at times hating "it" or even him. I know about it all yes but he still has this desire to go into his special drawer and hide the nylons or panties inside his shirt wrapped all up as he comes downstairs. He must really think I'm dumb or something. That's what hurts the most is the fact that I think hes hiding it thinking I must have thought he has stopped. When I know he hasn't I can pick up on cues and stuff like that easily now that hes not fully in the closet from me. I want to say I'm 100% ok with it but I think that would be a lie to myself. But that's what I tend to let show on the outside cause as you all know I'm a people pleaser so if hes happy it makes me feel better.. but doesn't actually make me happy myself. I'm not sure if really ill ever be happy.. and not cause I feel I need someone to make me happy but Ill never be able to make myself happy i think until i can stop wanting others to be happy first.
No I'm not happy with it with any sort of dressing for my husband. Today it made me think of the movie Forest Gump when he said life is like a box of chocolates you never know what your gonna get. Well I think when a CD'er or anyone with a big secret gets married or gets into a serious relationship. They have gotten a box of chocolates. But their boxes are miss labeled. (You know how chocolates come with a list of whats inside and the location and shape etc..) So when you go to grab what you think is a chocolate covered Carmel (my fav btw lol) you end up with chocolate covered coconut (which i dislike lol).. I feel that's kinda what I was dealt. I fell in love with someone who made me think they were soo manly in actions and dressing and I loved that about him among other things of course.. then years later i go into that chocolate box and take a bite and what I thought was true is no longer. The package had lied to me. So do I take the change with the rest of the package and go on with my life hoping that what it says is true and forget about everything I loved and believed was true.
Or maybe compair it to buying a car.. when you buy a car you want it to be dependable and if the seller isn't truthful with you.. well then you end up with a lemon and you wonder is it worth getting this car fixed or moving on to something more dependable that you can trust..
I am just so hurt over the years of abuse and now the lies I don't know my relationship like i thought I did.. I have days when I am extremely attracted to my husband and then the days where he sneaks down his panties to wear them and i just feel my whole mood change and do a 180 to where i feel like I'm snappy at him and just want to yell and scream but i don't....i keep it in.. i don't want to hurt him and make him feel like he cant be happy and who he is.. but while hes off finding who he is (who wasn't who i thought he was.. just likes).. i am in the corner wonder now who I am and am i strong enough or do I want to continue or let myself who I am what my beliefs are and who I did love slowly die inside me never to return..
I am sorry if my words are all jumbled today just so many thoughts and I'm just hurt.. hurt at myself for not accepting fully and some days just wanting to throw in the towel...i have so much hurt inside that i have to keep inside cause I cant share it.. if I try i get blamed for trying to make everything about me... but its never been about me..I've never really been his princess who has been put first..
PS- Sorry for being so absent.. with losing my job being depressed and trying to deal with family life I have just felt very out of it.
