So long my Spiderman! xoxo

So maybe I am behind a bit on my movie knowledge but I was looking up movie trailers tonight and looked up Spiderman 4 and noticed.............. NO TOBEY MAGUIRE!.........  I am crushed.  He is one of my celebrity crushes and I loved him in 1, 2 and 3 Spidermans..

Now they decide to take the Spiderman movies a way different direction and send Spidey back to high school.. WHAT!?!?!.. So ofcourse Tobey turned down the role.. what 34yo man wants to play a high school student... they have different writers and everything this time around.. the whole Spiderman cast is BYE BYE.. no MJ in this new movie either.. whats a Spiderman movie without MJ???  Is this all because Disney bought Marvel??  Trying to get that "tween" audience just like the Twilight movies are famous for?  Makes me sick..

No one wants to see Spidey in high school..  I was looking forward to seeing Spiderman 4 this next year but now I think ill pass.. which will be the first time in years I've passed up on Spidey.

Odds & Ends #2

So here are some more quotes I have come across on FB and like but I cant post them cause family will ask me if I am ok and my husband will ask me whats up.. so ill express them on here to you all.  Remember these are not wrote by me but by random people on the FB Status Shuffle.


wishing i could just end all of this then i couldn't hurt anymore & everyone can move on with their lives knowing i tried but just couldn't handle it anymore


realizing i fell in love with who i thought you were and got hurt by who you really were


I just wanna be the girl.


Either stand up and be the man I need or sit down so I can see the man who is standing


When you love a girl, Fight for her, Show shes the only one that matters, Dont do something you know you shouldn't, Don't watch the pain break her and do nothing


Emotionally.. I'm done... Mentally.. I'm drained.. Spiritually.. I feel dead.. & yet physically..I smile =)




and we will finish with....


...needs to be someone special to someone at least once

Unhappiness

So I was reading a post on the CD forums with someone who posted about their wife and they are getting separated now but not divorced.  In the post they talked about how they could see the pain and sadness in their wife.  Makes me wonder if I am just a super good actress or my own husband just ignores the pain and sadness I have.  Anyways..

They had been married for 20 some odd years yet she had known for a good mount of time that he was a CDer.  I guess from what I understood she had this pain/sadness cause she was not attracted to him anymore.  She wanted more manly etc and he was to feminine for her liking.  Which brings me to my latest struggle...

Leg hair...

Why is it so important to me?  Its hair that grows on the legs.. most women shave it off.. some men shave it off for sports.. So why do I have this issue?  I can think of a couple things which go back to the above of me talking about the wife who felt unattractive to her husband... I am not attracted to men with legs that are shaved.  I just cant get over it.  Even sports figures I  see who have shaved legs I just really get turned off by it.  The feeling against my legs.. it makes me really want to just grow my own leg hair out so I don't have to feel that feeling from his legs on mine.  (Which I confuse I truly thought about doing that the other day.. but if I don't shave then he gets upset.... go figure *rolls eyes*).. feeling his legs after they are shaved is just way to smooth for me and makes my skin basically crawl.. it turns me off.. i don't want to be next to him.. yet its just leg hair right?  *sigh*    The 2nd reason why I don't like it cause I know it links him more to his CDing.. Its not what I want.. but this relationship now I see it has not ever been want I wanted.. none of it has been about me... its always been about him from the start of our marriage.. I give in to his wants all the time.  My kids even see it and have now called him out on it.. me doing every little thing for him even if I am busy at the time and hes doing jack shit.. i get up and do it for him...

*Sigh*

I want to be noticed like that wife above.. noticed by my husband.. I want him to notice that

I'm Broken..

Urgent Care Visit

So since April I have had this swollen area on the base of my neck kinda between my shoulder and neck and above my collar bone.  Its just swollen and doesn't hurt or anything.  So at the time I thought maybe I pulled something or something minor like that.  Still hasn't gone away so I was just talking about it on FB  and some friends and family replied that I need to get seen.  A guy who went to school with my mom said that his daughter had something similar and it turned out to be Hodgkin's..

So I decided I would go in today just so they could look at it and tell me "oh its nothing you should be fine"  So the Dr comes in and feels the area then said give me a minute I need to grab someone so I can pick their brain.  So a second Dr comes in and takes a feel too.  They then decided that I need to have some blood work done as well as a CT scan done. He said really there are 2 possibilities.. it could be fine and just a inflamed area or it could possibly be cancer.. or even thyroids but he says with as far down is it that it probably isn't my thyroid but they are still testing for that.

Monday the ear nose and throat Dr is going to give me a call cause I need a appt with them he said.  He sent me home cause the tests were taking to long to come back with results then what he first thought so he said he is going to call me once they come in.

Now I play the waiting game...

The job is his

Well...

He got the assistant manger job.  And it becomes active July 1st.  I am really so very proud of him for doing such a awesome job and excelling in his job.. in a industry where it is hard for him to excel.

I still have my worries though and I think I am entitled to them given the past.  He will be going for training for 1 week from what I understood to either WA or OR.  So I think my stress level in that time is going to be a bit high.

So a few days ago I posted on the CD forums in reply to a husband talking about his wife just finding out about his CDing after they had been together for 15yrs and him hiding it from her.. I went into a trust issue and brought up my husbands job possibility and how I nervous and inside parts of me doesn't want him to get the position cause of my trust issues with him...

Well...

Hubby read that post and basically flew off the handle.. he came out of the bathroom (he takes his iPhone in there and looks at the CD forums) snapped at the kids and told them to go to bed.. didn't talk to me and just had a all over negative poop attitude.  He didn't say a word to me.  He came into the living room took the controller and turned on a show that we had recorded and still didn't say anything.. so after the show I went to take my bath and then sat on the couch.  I asked if he wanted to talk about anything he said not at the moment hes too busy with his game..So I thought ok whatever..

well I went up to bed and he comes up and bitches saying I left everything on for him to turn off (god only knows how many times I am left to turn lights off or lock the dogs up myself).. then mumbles about something about us sleeping in the same bed so I said fine ill sleep downstairs..  Went downstairs it was about 2am at this point.. laid down on the couch with my dog and cried and cried not knowing what was up or why he was so angry.  Cried until about 7am when I finally fell asleep.. before that point I wrote him a quick email letting him know I had no idea what he was pissy about and that I stayed up until 7am hurt and crying cause I was clueless about what was going on.

So about 10am he comes downstairs and once he went into the bathroom I headed upstairs to lay in bed for a bit and get warm under the covers.  He texted me said he replied to my email and what he was upset about.. well it was the post I made about his possible job.. and instead of seeing WHY i was hurting and my FEARS from that post he just saw all negative that i just want him to fail etc.. which was NOT my intention..

I guess he had also made a post on the forums telling them to delete his name and his posts that he was not coming back.. but this was NOT the end of it he said.. whatever that means.. but of course he has been back on.. i knew he wouldn't.. he had said with me on the forums he cant just go there and get support and make friends that I am there and I make posts too so he cant be himself cause i always make him look like shit.. which i don't.. or if I do i don't mean to.. I post exactly how I feel I don't cover it up.. and I post truthfully.. its not my fault if he doesn't want to talk to me about my feelings or he doesn't recognize how I am feeling.. that forum is the only place I have to connect with others and express myself about this issue..

what am I suppose to candy coat it like I do out marriage to family?

*sigh*

I'm tired so ill write more later

Raining on my face

I am trying to remember a happy time in my life.  That time would have to be before my grandfather passed away.  He was the center of my life and we did so much together.

I try to view my husband over the years as the center of my life but I don't feel it quite as much.  Maybe because I know I am not the center of his life.  I know that its hard for him to drop things for me without complaining.  I want someone who will say "I need to do this for my wife.. shes my everything" and then do something special for me or plan something special.  Or take the time to listen to me.

Listen..

That's something that doesn't happen very often around here.  I think if he would look and listen to me more he would see things that he hasn't noticed and should notice.  Those things might not make him happy but they are important.

There are many times and probably more then once a week where I get to a point where I wish I was extremely ill and dying.  Now any normal person probably wouldn't think that and I am very childish I know for my reasons behind it... but its me...  If I were very ill and dying I would think that my husband would be right next to me taking care of me.  I want someone so bad to take care of me and my needs.  To put me before themselves... I want to feel important.. I want to know what I feel inside me is important and not dumb...And I feel that unless I am really injured badly and or sick majorly that I wont get it.. I haven't yet after 20yrs why should I think it would just magically happen over night.

There are times when like above I just want to die.  I don't think I would ever have the courage to take my own life.  But I must be truthful and say that it does cross my mind of different ways it could happen.  I wonder if he would regret anything or if he would be sad and miss me at all.. would he then notice everything I do for him and how each day I do things and try to make him happy..

Ive given little hints to him here and there but his reply is "don't talk like that I don't like it"..I don't know if he really knows how real this pain is inside me..

He knows I use to write in a diary and one time that I know of he read it.. he wasn't to happy cause he said i just blame him for everything and make him look like the big bad wolf or something..

I don't try to do that.. I swear I love my husband if I didn't I wouldn't want so much from him emotionally for our marriage.. I wouldn't care what he did if I didn't love him so much..

Odds and Ends

To some I guess my blog is a bit of a downer but I think for awhile it is going to stay on that note.  I need this place to help me vent and release things inside me that I cant let out anywhere else.  I have faith that one day I will make happy posts again.. I just don't know when that one day will be.

These are just a few quotes and sayings I have found saved and now put together on this post.  Each in some way have meaning for me.  Enjoy!



Even though you're the one who broke my heart, You're the one I want to fix it


If someone really loves you, they wouldn't let you slip away no matter how big the situation is.


The pain I have known many will never feel. I would not wish it on anyone. However no matter how much I have gone through I will be stronger in the end.


" It's easy to say, 'I love you,' to someone, but it's more meaningful to thank someone for loving you." Jon Bon Jovi


"Never trade what you want most in life for what you want at the moment"


Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need therapy.


Relationships are like broken glass. Sometimes, your better off leaving things broken, instead of hurting yourself more, trying to fix something that you can't.


she's tired of hiding the pain and covering the tears...she finally lets go and tears roll down her cheeks as she whispers "I don't want to be me"


Sometimes the girl who seems so strong who smiles and laughs with her friends is really the girl who deep down is falling to pieces.


Its so sad, when the right person won't be able to search for you, because your too busy all your life making the wrong person right for you!


I smile and I laugh but you have no idea how sad, lonely and hurt I am inside...


the person who laughs a lot, talks a lot, and seems happy, may also be the person who cries themselves to sleep at night!

Some times when I say I'm okay. I want somebody to look me in the eyes, hold me tight and say 

No your not.

My feelings? Oh don't worry about those, no one else does


How many times do I have to cry in front of you for you to realize your pushing me away? What will you do when I finally walk away for good and give up on you?


says the worst feeling is when you finally realize exactly what you want...and then realize you're never gonna get it


Why do tears come rushing when you are so hurt? Coz it's the only way your eyes can speak when your lips can't explain how things made your feelings broken

Whats up with me today??

Ok whats up with all the worry with me today.  I don't like living like this.  I wish for once I could just live in my dreams when I am sleeping.  I am much more happier there and I am not afraid.  (Well if they are good dreams of course lol)

So there is a new "girl" on the forums from the same area that my husband and I are from that works in town here.. and I saw yet another when I was just looking over their profile.  The one suggested "Oh we should get one anothers emails" or something to the fact of their 3 emails.  So do I need to stress about this?  probably crazy but I am a very insecure wife who has doubts in her marriage and has trouble trusting her husband with things like this.  Who does not like that he does this but silently lets him do it cause I don't want to be without him.

What if this turns into meeting them which would have to be behind my back cause I think he knows I would not like the idea in the first place.

It takes it WAY to face.. the CD thing when its brought outside of behind our closed doors.. makes it a different perspective all together.  Others in town know.. there will be a select few out there who you could possibly pass by on the street and they would glance and know who you are and what you do.. they would know your families secret..

I don't want that.. don't want that at all.. I do think if it ever came down to that and he did and I did find out that I would have to tell him that makes me uncomfortable and I want nothing to do with him or the CDing..

Lets say he replies with "oh well they are meeting me not you"

Well hmm.. I go out with you in public so eventually they would connect me with you

I think if he did that would be my cue to run and to never look back.. run from someone who only can think of themselves and what they want.. not what this marriage needs.

I don't even enjoy the fact that they would be emailing.  maybe cause i know my husband and his past online life that he tried to hide from me.. i am very uncomfortable with it.  I'm uncomfortable with what these people would put into his head because I am not 100% accepting.. I'm not sure if I'm even 5% accepting or I am just tolerating it and hoping that one day he will wake up and see the sadness on my face from all of this he has put me through and realise "what have I done.. I never want her to be sad"

But that's just a dream.. It wont ever get there he will never realize how much I am hurting and how good I am at putting the pain deep inside.

Husbands step up

So my husband had a job interview within his current place of work for a assistant manger position that has opened up.  I am so proud of him cause really retail is not his thing.  Hes not much of a people person yet to put food on the table for his family he will do what he has to.  I am pretty excited and he should know tomorrow if he has the position or not.

Now comes my delima and why I am feeling bad right now..

If he gets the position he will have to have 12 weeks of training.  most of the training is out of town.. either in Washington State or in a city that's south of us.  The 12 weeks of training isn't ALL done out of state.  Some will be done in his store.  So that's the part that's got me.  I cant trust him.  Deep in my heart I want to but deep in my heart its screaming that he lied to you for years and years about this and now he will have to opportunity to dress when he wants when not in training or meet up with people he has met on the forums or other online areas and do god only knows what.  (I don't put anything past him)

It makes me feel like I really doubt his love for me.  In ways I do...

How can someone say they love you so much and you mean the world to them and then turn around and do things behind your back and keep doing things they know you don't like.  How can they call you names at a drop of a hat and seem to not be phased by it.

He has never reassured me just found ways to get around things....  I want to trust my husband but I know whatever length of time he is gone is going to be hell for me and for the unknown...

I'm just so torn I love him and I want him to go further in his career but there is a voice inside of me who doesn't want him to get this position so I don't want to worry about my trust with him.

Sometimes I think WHY?

Sometimes I don't get it.  I think to myself  -  If this hurts me so much WHY does he WANT to keep doing it.  I could tell if he DIDN'T want to CD and that's not the case.. I can tell in him he really wants to be fem and wants to CD.  But I cant help but think WHY

Over our years of being together.  20yrs now I have given SO much up of who I am to raise our kids and be with him and make him happy.. WHY cant he ever do the same for me.  yes he will throw in the argument that he was in the military for 15yrs.  But I NEVER forced him to stay.  If I did then by choice I would still have him be in the military cause all the benefits helped us out so much.  But I am not talking about working.  We all must do that as adults to live in this world.

I was 15 when I had our first child.  I had to give up and grow up really fast to be a mother.  I missed out on so many things.. things I will never get back but I don't want them anymore.  I would never trade them for my children.

I would stay at home with our child(ren) so he could go out with his friends over and over again.  I felt so alone.  I followed him across the US and to other countries cause I love him and his job made him move so much.  I took care of everyone and him included before I even thought about what I needed..

I don't get that from him.  Maybe YEARS ago when we were kids and still dating before children.  He would do little things to make me smile every now and then.  Now I really don't get much from him but he takes a lot from me.  At times I feel so worn down and I am still doing things for him to make him happy..

I have to have faith that in the future he will want to make me happy and will find out what does make me happy..

I read a few posts on the CD forums today that made me smile.. not cause they were posted by my husband (My husband would never give up stuff like that for me completely cause its too important to him from what I can tell in the past 5mo since it all came out).. but because these men on the CD forums posted about how they love their wives and they cherish their marriage so much they were not doing certain things that were not "important" to them that their wives were SO much more important..

So where do I fall on his priority list.. I just know the kids and I arnt at the top or things might be a little different.

He asked me today if I was happy.. I cant even look him in the eye and tell him I'm not.. that I have a lot of pain inside.. WHY.. cause I don't want to hurt him... So i will let myself suffer it seems just to make sure my husband doesn't...