My Un-ordinary Life: October 2011

Let me start from the beginning of yesterday.

My husband had yesterday off from work and I worked until 4pm. He texted me around 10am just telling me he loves me and to text him when I'm on break or lunch. So I ended up taking my lunch at 11:30. I decided to bring him home something nice to eat so i stopped and picked us up something. I get home unlock the door and all of a sudden hear the bathroom door close and him yell out "I'm using the bathroom" so I thought "ok".. I looked at the ground by his computer and he had taken all the CD disks out from the little cubby area from his desk which also has a door on it. I thought that was weird but ok.. So I sit down and eat then he comes out looks at the food and only grabs the drink and goes back to his computer and says "oh I was just cleaning up under here" but leaves the stuff out on the floor and does stuff on his computer. Still not eating his lunch I brought home nor did he say thank you. he then turns to me.. "did you get my text" I told him I did earlier yes. he asked me then "Why did you not text back and tell me you were coming home?" I replied with that I was not sure why I had to tell him when I was coming home.. to "our" house.. he looks at me and says "whatever" so I know something is up.. plus while he was supposedly using the bathroom I heard a lot of russeling around.

I finished my lunch.. held the puppies for a bit and asked if he was going to eat what I brought home for him.. he said yeah in a bit. I said ok then got up to use the bathroom.. used the bathroom then decided to look under the sink.. that's when I found under the towel trying to be hidden (since I came home and startled him).. his "girl" items..the hiding again the secrets.. its slowly killing me inside..

So I came out and told him "yeah I need to go" with tears in my eyes.. he got pissed and said "whatever".. I turned around and said "why.. why do you have to hide things from me I'm not dumb and this hurts me" He said I only see things my way...

MY WAY??? umm if I only saw things MY way i would tell him that I am done unless he stops.. I would not have been fighting for us and trying my best.. I told him hiding is just the same as lying and keeping secrets.. that I was hurt... that if I didn't come back right away from work that i was fine..

I went to the truck cried a bit before I left then drove to work.. he texted me saying he wont bring any of it into the house again that i can believe him (I don't anymore and it saddens me to say I cant believe my husband).. he said he threw it all away.. which I doubt..

So I wrote him a email.. I told him in that email that ever since I found out almost a year ago he has been trying to stretch the limits we both agreed on. What I agreed on at that time that i could deal with was the underwear, tights and sometimes the clear polish on his toes if he must have that.. ever since that first pedicure we had together and he tested that boundary with getting french tips on his toes and I was very sad over it he got pissed at me for being upset. Ever since then he has started to hide things and just do whatever behind my back.

AND he THINKS that I cant tell or don't notice.. I told him I have been with him since I was a CHILD.. I can just about read him like a book when something isn't right. I told him I know you have been hiding things for months.. that's WHY I told him MONTHS and MONTHS ago that I would not wash his woman clothing. If he cant have respect for me with being truthful and respecting our boundaries then I don't want to wash his stuff.

So he texted me again at work saying he got my email and that he was sorry for fighting and he will get rid of it all BUT the things we originally agreed on last December. then he goes on to say "do you think that I could get some shoes.. meet in the middle.. maybe something not so girly but something he could wear" so hes still trying to push it..

I told him as far as the shoes I am not comfortable with that just yet.. just like in the past I was not. you have not given me time to heal through this process of finding out. I am still very deeply hurt. I don't see why if its just clothes that you enjoy wearing why you have to have a wig make up and shoes unless you plan to go out somewhere.. why is all that necessary.

and I have been thinking today.. I think if it was JUST CLOTHES like he liked to wear undies or just tights every now and then under his clothes that I would more more ok and more accepting. but I know its not and I know for him its deeper then that and deeper then he will confess to me to.. hes said it on the forums before if he could live 24x7 as a WOMAN he would.. BUT he stated that he has kids and a wife so that isn't going to happen..

CDing his actions online since i have trust issues about that and I'm scared hes gonna go back to that again..

I am still so HURT that he spent his extra money on shoes our anniversary week.. and I had to give him money from my bank card so he could buy me a card. I want to be FIRST in his life not come in second to this CDing.

I told him.. He is the first thing I ever think of.. when at home with cleaning cooking etc.. buying things.. etc.. i never well RARELY just go buy something for myself.. its ALWAYS "hmm I wonder what I could get *j* he would really like this" .. DOES HE STOP AND THINK WHEN HE GOES AND BUYS HIS CD ITEMS.. "maybe I should get my wife something special for being so good to me" No.. its always about him.

I posted on the forums a bit on my situation a little bit ago.. I got some great replies.. I don't know if he has read them.. I wish he would.. even other CDers saw my pain and made some great suggestions.. I wish one would just take him under their wing and talk to him.. to let him know that I'm not trying to be the bad guy that this is hard for me too and that helping me through it would be a good thing.. my other fantasy is for him just to try and stop.. even if its for periods at a time..where he doesn't do any of it but then maybe like a year later needs to wear a pair of panties.. but that I know isn't possible

It seems too that ever since he joined the forums last year he has become more in a pink fog and more of saying to me "this is who I am you cant change me and if you don't like it then there is the door" there is not really ever a compromise with him.. since he joined the forums he tells me I cant stop this and you putting limits on me doesn't help..yet looking back he was never this extreme even though I didn't know at the time I just think back to past behaviors and he never did laundry anyways so I would of found things in the laundry or when I cleaned up etc..

So part of me kinda dislikes the forums because there are a lot of people on there who seem to be close minded especially to those who come in and say they really would like to just stop.. but all those replies end up being "you cant don't even try" etc.. I know of a few who have stopped for the ones they love.. i know its not easy.. but you would think that if you love someone SO deeply that you would do anything in your power to make them happy... that is what I am doing.. I am trying SO hard to be accepting at least of some right now so that he is happy.. am I happy about having to do this NO.. would I like it if he would just say "baby I know how much this hurts you and how much I have hurt you by not telling you.. I am going to try and stop.. it will be a slow and hard battle but I want to do this for you" yes of course I would love that.. but that's not what I'm going to get..

So I will keep on giving and giving of myself.. hopefully that I will get back something from him in return.. that's what I am missing I think.. I just feel myself giving and him just taking from me. (btw his 2 days off.. no house chores done no dinner made.. i came home and did everything then when I fell asleep on the couch I get woken up "your sleeping why do you do nothing but sleep?" and I explain to him cause I have to come home and do everything he gets pissy.)

Ive had a really hard time lately with myself. Ive had more suicidal thoughts in my head. Really I am scared one day I might act. My mind tells me I wont but what if I hit a breaking point? He doesn't notice how much I'm hurting inside and he really doesn't see the extent to m wishing I was dead. I pray at night to God to just take me.. let me be with my grandpa.. let me just be happy and comforted cause my life is hurting me. But so far I guess God still wants me here. Its probably awful for me to say but there are times I go to the Dr and I wish they would find something... there is history of cancer in my family.. and I was told my esophagus has a higher chance of getting cancer cause of its condition.. I know its awful to say and someone really shouldn't wish for that.. but maybe if I was terminally sick that he would care more or at least show it more.. i know he cares about me but the showing part is hard for him..and yes that's childish for me to say too but deep down its how I feel most of the time and I just needed to let that out.

I am so much more happy when at work (a least the days that *j* also works) I laugh and have a good time.. when at home it never ends up that way. I want to be that way but I am so torn down there is nothing but hurt.

I am going to try to go to the DR while he is at drill in Iowa for 2 weeks in November. and I am going to see if our insurance will cover me going to talk to someone. I need to feel that I am not crazy or dumb for having these feelings.. actually for having any feelings at all. Then hopefully they can get me on some kind of meds. Ive been trying ever so hard not to self injure.. it really is a struggle just like CDing in a sense.. and I have been good.. but having thoes emotions of worthlessness just inside are making my health worse and keeping it all bottled up. With the self injury it helped me feel like it was in a sense released.

I need to start writing more on my blog to let things out. I just get so busy and tired and depressed I tend to forget until something big arises.

My hopes:

that I can trust my husband again

that I can become more comfortable

that he could tone it down and not have to do CDing every day off

that he can be more open with me

that he would comfort me a bit more

that he can find someone on the forums that he would actually listen to cause he thinks everything I say is just cause of PMS or something

Sorry for such a long post.. I just needed to get it all out there.

My Un-ordinary Life

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Get it right

Struggles