Truth/Lies

Down in the dumps a bit right now I think and was just going though a few of hubbys old posts on the forums that just seem to make me sad and wonder why he saying some things on the forums yet telling me other things.. this post for instance.. his intro on the forums

He said I "knew" he CDed.. at the time it was probably 2000 we were messing around one night just being silly and he put on some undergarments (wernt his) and i did his make up.. I just thought we were fooling around I had no clue then about CDing or that it even existed..yes I was young and dumb.. its around the time that he told me he was bisexual and I foolishly agreed to him experimenting with men.. hate myself now for that foolish mistake.. anyways which now I am reading this from his post..

"I have also been bisexual since an early age so that doesn't help she knows I've tried things with guys before but thinks it's in he past."

The key words there "THINKS its in the past".. and before that.. he wish he could live 24x7 as a woman saying he would be more happy as a woman.. is he a CD or is he on the line of a TG??? CD is the one that still want to be men right and not want to live 24x7 as a female??  *sigh*  Did no one on the forum even notice that part of his intro and not say something or did they not really care to.. ive seen others called out for it.. ive seen others called out for being bisexual and wanting relationships with men but they are married and seen others say once your married you need to be committed to your wife only and leave that in the past.. but I guess not on his post...

I dont think I can go on much with this anymore.  I have had sever urges to do self injury and have a couple times but i am trying so hard to stop that.  I cant even talk to hubby about anything he gets upset and we never talk.. he always tells me "oh i dont go on those forums anymore and I love you why dont you believe me why cant you trust me"  I even brought up the craigs list issue about the "gun" he supposedly went and met someone to look at (yeah ok..) but he never discusses it.. Why cant he just admit it to me and free me from this pain.  I told him to come clean about it or anything else that now is the time to do so but never.. he makes it so hes never in the wrong...

im the bad one.. im the one that cant be accepting of him that cant do anything right.. im the annoying one the one that doesn't deserve to be listened to..

I wish he saw the pain in my eyes and cared.. (After being together for 20yrs total you should be able to see that or sense it and want to make it all better.. or at least try right?)

I just want him to come clean.. I think if he came clean about everything no matter how much it hurt me I would be able to breath a bit better.. I would be able to think a bit clearer and it wouldn't consume my life daily.

I guess I am just overly tired from working such wacky early morning hours and not getting enough sleep and its making my head spin..Im scared.. and I cant tell him that cause he just gets upset with me.. im scared what hes going to end up doing when he has a day off when im not around..I love him.. the last thing in the world I want is to be away from him forever.

Odds & Ends #3

Here are a few more odds and ends that I have saved up and just wanted to post here before I lost them
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The one person in the world i would go to if i was sad, is the one who's making me cry.


All I've ever wanted was that "happy ever after". Why does it always slip away? Whats so wrong with me?


I've gotten so good at hiding the pain that even I don't know what I'm feeling anymore.


Being sad doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you've been strong for far too long.


Live the life I've led.. See what I see; Hear what I hear; Feel what I feel.. THEN maybe you will understand why I do what I do.. Until then, do not judge me.

Moody Females?

I have been told for the past 3 weeks or so over and over that I have been mean and bitchy and moody with no reason to be.  So when I get replies from him for any kind of convo its "go away I don't want o be around you"  or "your starting to piss me off"  or "the only thing you do lately is irritate me"  At least that's what I hear from him but he says it in a mean tone then I get upset and end up going upstairs and crying for a bit to let out my frustration.

Ok please understand this...

If everyday for the life of your relationship you do not do something for your wife but you sit on your damn ass and say
"I'm hungry what is there to eat"
"I'm thirsty what is there to drink"
"could you make me coffee" (I don't even drink coffee btw)..
"do we have a blanket I'm cold"
"here throw this away for me"  (trash is on the other side of his shelves by his desk where he is sitting.. he could reach around...)
"can you bring me my shoes"
"whats for dinner?.. eww why are we having that i guess ill eat it unless you want to make me something else"

and the list goes on but those are the major ones.. the ones where he should be a BIG BOY and do them himself and not call upon his wife EVERY TIME.. its not once in awhile this is what happens DAILY!

Now that I am working on his days off I am still expected to do this crap and make dinner while he sits on his ass all day on the computer then I get home and he asks "I'm starving whats for dinner.. i didn't feel like getting up and making lunch so I haven't eaten all day"  (YES this has happened it happened last time I was working.. if he doesn't have something "ready to eat"  then he wont get up and make himself ANYTHING)

So my first few days at my new job I came home and my feet were killing me.  The Dr told me in the past I stand on my feet a bit different (put my weight differently) then others cause I am missing a couple bones in a couple toes.. (I know sounds strange to me too lol)  So since I have been out of work for like 4mo my feet were really killing me to the point I was limping and holding back tears cause of the pain.  Yet do you thinking he actually helped me or took care of me or did stuff for me..... .... ... .. Nope.. I was still expected to do everything for him still and the sad part about it was "whats your problem you have only been working for 2 days and you are already in pain and complaining".. yep that's the reply I got.. then in bed "I don't know why you have been so pissy ever since you got this job and even before then you have been pissy to me for weeks now"

OMG I AM TIRED OK.. I am TIRED of having to take care of you like you are a little CHILD..  maybe I WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF... is that to hard to ask of you..for once think of me before yourself cause that's ALL I do with you.. I think of YOU first and put me last.. why do you think my health is so bad.. Dr suggests ."oh you need to have less stress in your life and get some breathing time"  (Yeah ok right... he doesn't know my husband)

Ive always told *J* that I would die before him and really I think I do.. once in awhile I'll pass by a comment like "god just shoot me now with your gun" or something to that matter on me and death.. "don't say that crap" is his reply..

He doesn't know though.. He has no clue nor does anyone else how much pain I have inside.  He doesn't know and no one else (well until now and whoever is reading this)  how many times I have prayed over and over just to die or how often I wished I was dead. and this isn't a joke type comment this is fully.. pain coming from my heart type of wishing.  At least once a week I question God on why I am still alive and how I wish I was dying or dead...  dying would be nice then maybe just MAYBE then *J* would care for me for a short while.  I know it probably sounds sick but he brings me to a point where I feel I am never good enough I am not allowed to feel any feelings unless they are "good happy rainbow and unicorn feelings"

I'm at the point now where I don't have hope anymore.. I have had it for so many years and since him coming out and other things he has done since then I don't have hope anymore.  There is no hope for a marriage with a couple who cant talk like adults about their feelings.. who have to say bad names and hurt the others feelings.. who treats the other like their personal slave at home... now see don't get me wrong I don't mind helping him i love helping him or doing things from him but I don't like how it goes 1 way or it goes OVERBOARD and h takes advantage of it..

I think he said to me once after I found out about his CDing

Finally!

Finally work has come my way!  Although I really don't want to jinx anything since I haven't  officially started yet but I am just to thrilled!

I got a job offer from Fred Meyers to be a cake decorator for them.  Although the first 2mo ill be just doing regular bakery stuff but after that I will be one of the decorators.  So I went in on Friday to hear the job offer and accept it.  They are going to start me out with the cake decorators pay since I will be transferring to that soon and less work for them etc.  Its a dollar less then I made at Sam's Club but I can live with that!  I took the drug test there and they are sending that off to the lab and they sent off my background check as well.  Since it falls into a holiday (4th of July) they said that it will take a bit longer for that stuff to come back but they hope its all back by the 8th cause that's when they signed me up for orientation.  So I am excited for that.

Onto other news...

Saturday my mom had planned a big spaghetti feed for the family.. my family, 3 brothers and their family, etc.. well hubby said we could go but then the day of he remembered he told a lady at work that we would go to her BBQ after he got off from work.. well..

He didn't get off from work until 6:30 then of course had to come home shower and change.. then we had to drive 20mi there.. and you know of course her BBQ started much earlier so by the time we got there everyone had ate, most of the food was gone and cold and well we knew no one there but her and they were all talking about stuff we had no clue about.. we all sat in her garage since it was raining (but it did stop like right when we got there).. the pulled pork she had made basically tasted like you were eating smoke.. i just really didn't enjoy myself or the food.. and i know the kids didn't either.. my kids are teens and all the other kids there were 8 or under so they just sat next to us the whole time.. time seemed to go by so slow.. i kept looking at my watch lol..

While I was sitting there I couldn't help but want to look at all the men's legs there (they were all wearing shorts).. and yep they all had leg hair.. *J* wasn't wearing shorts.. he doesn't really wear shorts in public and not sure he really would now that his legs are very hairless and shinny and white..then when I went up to my moms the next day I was noticing my brothers leg hair (he might as well be a bear with the leg hair he has.. and *J* doesn't even have 1/4 the leg hair my brother has..that is when *J* is not shaved).. lol yes I am not officially obsessed with leg hair.. probably cause my husband no longer has any and I miss it..

So 2 nights ago we got into a argument.. well kinda.. I was just down and he noticed but if I brought up any of my feelings to him he tells me that I always complain about him and make him at fault for everything or that i need to just stop bitching etc.. so when he asked what was wrong (AND WHY DOES HE ASK ITS NOT LIKE HES ACTUALLY GOING TO LISTEN AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A ADULT CONVERSATION....UGH!)   and of course to avoid being made to feel bad for what I am feeling inside I told him nothing i was just tired.. and of course he kept pushing cause he says he knows me and something is wrong.. but nope i kept telling him I was fine cause i know him and how he reacts to my feelings..

I just really don't know anymore.. don't know if I can do this forever or if I want this for the next 40+ years if we are blessed to live that long..  I want to be happy i really do.. I wish i could be the perfect wife and accept the things he does and not have it bother me but I cant and maybe I am selfish but part of me doesn't want to.. part of me wants to tell him that he lied about who he was so why should I be the one to make the sacrifice to change what I want in a person just to make our marriage better

Never before this had I ever given any thought to how manly men can be etc or that it was on my list of things I want in a man.. why cause that's what I expected most men to be like.. manly..  (and no i am not saying they cant have emotion.. i think men should feel ok to cry publicly etc..)  But now its like I'm missing that and its effecting how I feel...I am sorry if i want the norm.. or what most of society calls the norm.. when something comes into the relationship that was a lie for so long its like a mistress.. a unwanted guest.. it poisons the marriage.. and really if the person who held that secret for so long does nothing to help the marriage get back on track and just expects things to be fine that is like giving someone with a gunshot wound a simple band aid and saying here put this on it and you will be fine..



can someone please tell me if craigslist allows people to sell guns on their site..  I am not asking cause i want to buy a gun.. dislike guns and hubby's has some anyways lol.. I am asking cause in my mind I keep going back to when I was working before last November and I got a text from my husband saying "I will be the one in the DC hoodie by the elevators".. there was something else but that was the basic of it.. then like 2sec later i get another text by him saying "lol sorry i didn't mean to send that to you i am meeting someone from craigslist to look at a gun they were selling"  ... yet at that time we were broke so not sure why he would want to meet someone to look at a gun...

then as most know the next month is when I found out about his CDing and also found out about the naked pictures he put on yahoo with his yahoo name and all the guys on yahoo that would message him and talk about sexual things etc.. I want to make sure I am not being blind about something like that I don't want to be walked over if he is doing something like that behind my back.

I just want to trust him again and have that trust i use to have for him.. I always thought he was the one person I could trust that he never told me wrong...

I'm not happy even though I want to be happy with him.. hes been my life.. I just wish he appreciated me more or at least showed it if he does cause lately I feel like crap =/

I want...
to be hugged out of the blue
to be told I'm beautiful even when I am not looking my best
to be told how important I am
to have little things done for me every now and then
to have my feelings heard and not feel bad about feeling the way I do
to not have to worry
to have someone wipe my tears when I am sad
and mostly...
to be happy and feel like a priority to someone