Shave & Sacrifice

So I noticed last night that my husbands leg hair is growing.  And now I cant help but to wonder hes doing this out of sacrifice to me.  And then I start to think so matter which side wife or husband one or the other has to make a sacrifice.  And I think that a lot of CDing marriages have that.

With a wife that is trying to be supportive even though she may not be 100% comfortable with the whole idea.  Her saying to her husband "Its ok I want you to be happy" And maybe a part or a small part of her is doing it just so that she can make the man she loves happy cause that's what she likes to see is him happy.  Even though they may set boundaries she is still sacrificing a part of her happiness.

But then you have the husband who wants to CD and he loves his wife a lot and wants to make her happy.  So if she says or kinda mentions that something bothers her a bit even though he feels like something is being taken away from him he does something to make her happy and sacrifices a bit of himself to make her happy.

They both really do this without notice.  Maybe one day the wife hopes that the husband will notice the sadness in her eyes even though shes trying so hard to hide it and be strong and make him happy.  And he hopes one day that she will understand his wants to dress in what he wants without worry of making her sad.

So this is a hard situation.  And its not really a win win situation unless either the wife puts herself and feelings on the line and says "Its ok go ahead and dress and do as you please I want you to be happy"  Or the husband says one day "You know I know you are trying to make me happy but I can see the sadness in your eyes this brings and I don't want that"  So who wins no one really.  There are small sacrifices on each side.  Who's to say who gives more and who gives less.  I think in the end there is no right or wrong I think that it comes down to what your heart tells you.

So while I am happy that my husband hasn't shaved his legs in a while I am kinda sad cause it makes me feel selfish that I told him that it even bothered me and I didn't find it as attractive.  True that I did love his leg hair he never had a bunch hes not a hairy guy but I did miss it.. its something over the years of our relationship I got use to.  But deep in my mind I keep thinking is he doing this cause he loves me or doing this with the thought in the back of his head saying "fine! whatever!" and will hold it against me later on.

Sex Drive

I apologise to those who read my blog that I have missed a couple days.  So I am trying to make up for it now.

Sex Drive.. My sex drive use to basically be non existent.  I am not sure why but I have some sort of clues as to maybe..  I started mother hood when I was almost 16.  From that time on I was busy taking care of a child while still a child myself.  Then I had baby #2 when I was 18.. so then I was taking care of 2 children at my still young age.  then before I turned 21 I had the last.. baby #3.. so I had 3 children at once 5 and under.  and I was still was young myself.

Not to mention that my husband.. even though a adult by law was sometimes more of a child/baby then all 3 of my children combined.  I took care of him as well and basically waited on him hand and foot.  At the end of the day I was tired and not in the mood for anything what so ever.  Maybe it would of helped if he would of helped me out around the house or with the kids.  But that never happened.  I became really depressed.  Probably cause of the big responsibility I had as well as the mental and occasionally physical abuse at that time. To me sex then was like a chore and 99.9% of the time he was the one who was asking for it.  I cant really think of a time back then when I actually asked for sex cause I wanted it. 

This lasted well many many years.  and I am sorry for my husband cause I know it must have been frustrating for him.  most of the time when he did want it I would give it up but there were times when I didn't.  I was just so tired inside and out.  I didn't even feel attractive.

Now this past year its changed a bit.  Well quite a bit.  I tired 32 this past year and well my sex drive has changed as well.  Now its like I cant get satisfied with it.  I wouldn't mind having it more then once a day.  Which is like a big extreme from before when I didn't mind if we had sex once a month.  Although sometimes I get bummed cause there were a couple times a month or so ago that he just lost it during sex and we had to stop.  It makes me feel like I don't turn him on enough anymore.. I know that's not the case but I cant help feeling that way.

Even though all the stuff I found out this year about him you would think I would of lost some desire to have sex with him.  With the CDing and the yahoo chats and him wanting to be with men.  But that hasn't stopped me.  maybe it would of in the past but hes my only sexual outlet so I guess that's what goes in my mind and I love him and his whole body just turns me on.

So as I was reading women usually peak in their 30's and the average age is 32 so I guess I fit those statistics pretty well.  I just hope it lasts for awhile.  I would hate for it to be short lived.

Date Night & Breakfast Date

So Wednesday we had off together.  So Tuesday night we decided to go to a movie together.  Just the two of us.  Its been awhile since just the two of us without the kids have been to a movie.  AND as a added plus he let me actually choose the movie.  I cant remember the last time I got to choose the movie.  Usually we always go see movies he wants to see.  Action etc.. so we went and saw "No Strings Attached"  Such a cute and funny movie.  And yes he even enjoyed it.  Even though he called it a chick flick.

So that night we decided that we would go to breakfast together while the kids were at school.  So I got up in the morning with the kids and got them off to school then went back in bed with hubby to snuggle for a bit.  We both dozed for about 1 1/2hrs and then he got up to take a shower and I got up as well.  We both got ready for our breakfast date and then headed out the door.  We decided to go to a restaurant near us called The Bakery.  We had not been there yet and my parents go there quite often so we thought it should be pretty good.

I ordered biscuits and gravy with hash browns as usual and hubby got some skillet meal with ham and peppers and stuff.  They were nice size portions too.  So it was nice.. and nice not to cook too =)  I suggest to him that maybe the next days off we have together which is Monday and Tuesday that we go out for drinks and appetizers and just have a nice evening out.  We really have never gone out on "dates" much since we have had children which has been since I was 16 lol so its well earned by now since our children are 12 and above they don't need a sitter anymore.  And we have needed time away to ourselves.

So I look forward to our next date night this next week.  It helps me reconnect with the man I married and feel close to him again.  Like it reminds me I still have things in common with him and we can still have fun together.

Laundry Day

I am up at my moms house today doing laundry.  The washer and dryer at our apartment building is broken once again.  But it never really did a super job cleaning anyways.  And plus there are only 4 washers and 4 dryers.  And out of those only 2 washers work and only 1 1/2 dryers work.. the 1/2 one doesn't dry on the first set of quarters you put in.  So my parents have been wonderful at letting me come up and do a few loads here and there.

So of course I bring along my laptop so I can pass the time while I type on my blog or work on my CityVille on Facebook.  And I also plan on vacuuming out the car today while I am here in their garage.

Tomorrow I go back to work.  I enjoy my days off I just wish I had 2 days off in a row.  Right now I have Mondays and Wednesdays.  Next week though she gave me Mondays and Tuesdays off.  (YES!!)  then the following week the same.  As for the weeks after that I don't know yet. We will see.  (Keeps fingers crossed)

Not really too much is going on.  We are trying to sell our "junker" car that hubby bought in September.  A girl came and looked at it last night with her family.  I'm not sure if she is going to buy it but we will see.  I really hope so we could use that extra money about now.  Hes had other calls on it but this is the only one who has came to take a look.  Although we had to jump it a few times.. its been really cold here like -35 below and we haven't even started it since early November... so it was a bit cold.  I hope it gets warm enough today to where it only needs one jump. (Fingers crossed)

Tired sorry...

Sorry a bit tired tonight so ill post another good song.

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything


Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction, oh
But you'll never see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You've got the talkin' down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah 

Young Love

My husband and I have been together since I was 13 and he was 15 almost 16.  It was late summer of 1991 when we first met.  He was actually dating a "kinda" friend of mine.  He decided to break it off with her while we were all at the mall.  Well she left and it was just him, his friend and me and another friend of mine.  Later that day my friend and I were talking and I said that I kinda liked him.  So she called up his friend (they were dating at the time) and told him.. within a few mins he asked me out and we started dating lol..  (ahh to be young again)

Well the news caught wind and the other girl his ex found out.  She decided to call the radio station and dedicate a song to him (Someday by Mariah Carey) and also to tell me on air that I should go flush my head down the toilet.  (lol)

We never spoke since then.  But it wasn't a great loss to me since we didn't talk often and weren't very close.

We dated for a couple months then he broke up with me.. cause his friend said that he shouldn't be dating a 8th grader cause he would "get no where".. so of course my husband (then BF) listened to his dumb friend .. but that really didn't last long.. about a month and we were back together again.  That Christmas I remember I gave him a ID bracelet.. it was like puppy love.  We did everything together.  School dances, mall, movies, church.. just hanging out, and eventually camping about 2yrs later which led to how our oldest son was "created"  (I will go into that topic on my next posting)

So we have a long history together.  a total of 20yrs together this August.. and 15 of them married (16 this October)  hes all I've ever really known and hes all I really want to know.  We have defeated many odds together and been through so much in our lives.  I do believe that he is my soul mate but I believe that its something we both have had to work at and learn.  We started off as children and now we are adults and our likes/dislikes and views change.. and we have had to deal with all of that.  But I must say that looking back I am actually much happier now (since first married) then I was in the beginning.  We both have matured in many ways.

We still have a LONG ways to go but life is a journey.  If it was easy then it wouldn't be called a journey and it wouldn't be a learning experience and might be a bit boring. I know there will be more tears in the future but I also know there will be times of happiness and joy too.  Its those things that I must always remember instead of dwelling on the bad things.

**On a side note I must share that since my husband has taken off the french tip on his toes he has not put any polish of any kind back on.. its nice to have it that way even if its only for a few days**

To write love on her arms

I would like to take a short moment and share this link with you

TWLOHA

It is a special site.. and it helps awareness of depression, self injury (Which I deal with) addiction and suicide.  I think there still are people in this world that don't understand it enough to know that these are serious issues.  Knowledge is good.  And learning about new things is great.  And learning about this can help our world.  You never know sometime in your life you may come across someone who is dealing with something similar to this and you might be their "light" to help them on the path to recovery or at least better understanding.

This is a big world and we don't need anyone to feel alone.  Everyone deserves to be loved no matter what they struggle with.

What is Love

What is love?  I guess love can be many things to different people.  To me love is many things.  It's happiness you can feel deep down inside which words cant describe.  There is more to saying "I love you" to someone.  Sure its good to hear those words but you know what is even better then hearing those words.  Is actions.  Love is a action that is done.  If you love someone you "do" things for them to show your love.  It might be helping your spouse out with dishes or making them breakfast in bed or trying to understand them when they are hurting.  Love is being there for them and giving of yourself instead of always taking.

I love my husband.  Even though it seems like in my posts I make him out to be a bad guy he isn't always that way.  I just posted times where I have had problems.  My husband always tells me he loves me.  Before we go to bed even if we are fighting or I am mad at him he always rolls over and tells me he loves me.  Even if it is saying it in a silly way like "I love you poo butt"  And when we get up in the mornings he tells me he loves me.  and before we leave somewhere and are apart or even on the phone and in texts.  He is always "telling" me he loves me.
\
Now the love "action" part he isn't perfect at but he has come a great distance with it.  Hes not perfect but there have been times (Yes I do wish more times) where he has done something because he loves me and wanted to show that he loves me.  Buying my Christmas gift this year he showed me that he loves me cause he listened and instead of buying what he thought would be a proper gift he loved me enough to buy something I wanted even though to him it didn't seem like the type a gift a husband should get his wife.  He has made me dinner.. (I will admit not often at all lol but better then never) and even though I need to assist him in the kitchen cause he gets lost.. we laugh and do it together.  He shows me he loves me when comes to my work to have lunch with me.  Now he might be a bit crazy and I don't like to take him "out" often cause he is always watching people and even if another guy looks in my direction he tries to start arguments with them.  But even with all that craziness and dumb shit he still loves me and it shows that if someone was to disrespect me that my husband would be there to protect me.

Of course there are many other ways I would like for him to show his love to me but I think we will get there in time.  I want to be positive and I want to make this a positive post on him since there has been so much negative lately.  Really hes not always bad he does love me a lot and I haven't been the perfect wife either.

I have emotionally cheated on him with talking to people online in the past.  Although it has been years since I have done that but I am coming clean and showing I am not perfect either.  However I would never think of physically cheating on my husband.. my body is his.. at the time I was weak and sad/depressed..I needed someone who would listen when my husband wouldn't.  I take full blame for that.  I am ashamed of that and I have done a lot of growing up since then and I will never do that again.  I love my husband and my goal is to someday get to a point where we have a semi-fairy tale.. since I know asking for a full fairy tale is impossible.. I just want those moments.

My next few postings I think will be a bit of how we met etc.  Some happier posts.  That is unless something comes up which I need to vent about.

Time to go pick him up from work.  =)

Roller Coaster

Why have my feelings been like a roller coaster?  Up and down up and down and around and back to the beginning.  I think just having my brain go through so many different emotions and changes really is wearing me out and is making me tired.

I feel like my whole relationship I have given so much daily that I'm scared I have nothing left to give.  Sometimes I want to be selfish and just want want WANT.. I want something in return.  I want to be treated like a princess or someone special.  Someone who means something to another.  I don't feel that way and I don't think I have or at least not for a very very long time.  I want to let that selfish part of me out but I'm not sure I even have it inside me.  Well I shouldn't say that I know I do I know its inside me cause i will think it in my brain but I know better then to act selfish.  I want to give and be nice and make him happy.. happy to the point where I forget about myself and whats good for me.

I know I know its not healthy and I know in a relationship each person must give and take equally.. I know this..But I am at the point that I don't care.  I really could care less about myself.. maybe I have been taught in a sense that really I am not that important so why should I care about myself.  And not that I am directly told that but its shown to me by his actions of what he does or doesn't do and says or doesn't say to me.

So just let me complain a bit about knowing I am not treated right and let me be.  I'm a big girl and I know my relationship is screwed a bit...a lot at times.. but I love him and have shared over 1/2 my life with him.. we have 3 children together and he has been there for me many times.. maybe not emotionally but in other ways which is needed too.  Hes my life... now I just wish I was his..

I sent him a reply email I think I spoke of it in my earlier email post.  I know hes read it.. has he replied or talked to me about it.. nope.. and guess what he probably wont either.  But I should be fine with that.. its typical... If its not something he likes or agrees with he doesn't want to talk about it..but its ok for me to keep hurting

Call me stupid for still being with him after 15yo of marriage.. but I love that man.. yes that MAN nothing other then that.. and I will continue to love him.  I have put so much into this marriage and relationship and things HAVE changed from how they use to be and he has gotten better.. no one is perfect right?  Baby steps right?  like they say on the CD forum..

Speaking of the CD forum.. I'm a bit lost on there now.. the majority on there just want to sit and talk about what they buy what they wear what their fantasy is of being a woman..if someone different comes on there and wants help or to know advice on trying to stop its "oh honey you cant stop or change" and everyone laughs.  A SO comes to the forums and isn't sure about supporting their husband or is very upset by something her husband does which seems like no big deal to them they are all about saying "its his body his life blah blah.. he shouldn't have to get permission"..but what they fail to see is especially for married CDer's they are not going through life alone.. they have a life partner.. so what that one person does or how they change etc effects their SO and their so called life.  Just like me.. although ppl have been supportive on there to me except for a few which I will not name of course.. I was made to believe that I knew everything about my husband and when I said for better or worse and I do that I knew that I was getting into but in December when I found out it was like I missed some of the "fine print" in our marriage certificate that said "oh btw I like to wear women's clothing and someday you will find my stash.. oh yeah I also like to wear makeup and go out like a woman and I wish I could be a woman 24x7 but I have to live with my fate I have chosen"  I am not sure I would be here if I knew all this before we got married.  It has made things so much more stressful this past 2 almost 3mo.. I hate the new year I hated Christmas this year..I felt sooo alone.. even with the girls (GG) on the forums I felt alone.. its like most of them like 99% are soo accepting of their husband/bf dressing and take part in it.. so if I made a post about how I am uncomfortable it was just like "oh it will get easier for you over time"  what if I don't want it to get easier what if I just want what I thought was my normal back?..

I cry.. I cry cause I want him to at least try for me.. try to make me happy and try not to do this cause it hurts me so much inside.  hes blind to it all.. hes blind to my hurt I think.  If he isn't then he doesn't care to say much to me or comfort me when he sees me hurting.  I have done and given up so much for him and the family we have made over the last 17yrs isn't it his time now to dedicate his life on making me happy?  Never once has he told me that he wants to see me happy.. that he wants to put that smile back on my face that was lost so so many years ago.

One day ill find my smile again.. I just hope its my husband who helps me find it.

Jar of Hearts

*Sorry about the layout changes I'm just testing a few different colors*

I think right now ill just post one of my new favorite songs.  Go look it up on youtube its really quite nice.

Jar of Hearts Lyrics

 by Christina Perri


i know i can’t take one more step towards you
cause all that's waiting is regret
don’t you know i’m not your ghost anymore
you lost the love i loved the most

i learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?

i hear you’re asking all around
if i am anywhere to be found
but i have grown too strong
to ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?

it took so long just to feel alright
remember how to put back the light in my eyes
i wish i had missed the first time that we kissed
cause you broke all your promises
and now you’re back
you don’t get to get me back

who do you think you are?
running around leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
so don’t come back for me
don't come back at all

who do you think you are?
who do you think you are?
who do you think you are?

Sent a email

So I sent a email to my husband this morning before I went for work.  I don't know but we seem to communicate better through written communication.  Maybe its that I don't get so worked up and don't have to see his expressions or I can better explain to him what I am feeling inside other then a spur of the moment feelings coming out.  I'm not good with that.  Maybe my true feelings come out spur of the moment but then I don't get them across to him the correct way and he just gets mad at me and tells me that its not all about me and my feelings.

So in this email I told him about the bad dreams that I have been having lately about him having computer sex with other guys and me walking in etc.. that I'm just really scared of that happening and that's all that consumes my mind while I am at work while he is home on his days off.  His reply was basically not to think that way and to stop letting the devil in and pray before I go to bed.  Cause that's not what happens and that doesn't happen.  But really in my mind I don't know why in the first place he took naked pictures of himself with his stockings on and posted on his yahoo that he was horny or why he had guys names on his yahoo which were from places we lived before and even now and random IMs talking about computer sex.  I cant wrap my mind around what he wants to tell me as the truth.  And its either I keep bringing it up and we keep fighting about it or I just don't bring it up and it eats at me inside.  So eating at me inside is what I have chosen.  *sigh*

The other thing I talked about was his french tip toes.  I told him how I got asked by our daughter(12yo) why it looks like daddy has fake nails on his toes.. and how I had no idea how to explain it to her so basically I lied to her and said i wasn't sure what she was talking about and changed the topic.  She must have seen him somehow without socks.  Cause when his toes are like that he always wears socks.  And now i know how he hid it all the time from me before I knew.. He wore socks and wouldn't take them off until it was dark in the room or I was in the bed already...So he told me that he removed the french tip today and will only use clear from now on for now.

Then finally I brought up the body hair.  Now this is different for some ppl.  I like some body hair on my man.. my man is NOT hairy naturally so I've always enjoyed it.  So when he started shaving his chest years ago it was a bit of a shock.. then he started shaving his legs in winter and i didn't understand it.. and he didn't do it often then but now that i know he does it ALL the time.. i cant stand the feel of his legs when they are shaved.  when both of our legs touch it feels so awkward to me and sticky and not natural.. makes me feel like I need to let my leg hair grow..*theres a idea*  His reply was he was only doing this for the winter months then grow it back.. he said he doesn't know how to compromise on that one.. well me either unless he wants to just shave his chest and underarms and keep his leg hair I would be happy with that but I know he wouldn't.  Anything I want he just wants more.

he made the remark that if i take away everything (Which I'm not he wears ladies undies and stockings/nylons.. clear polish) We go panty shopping together (started that just so that he feels i am supportive but at times i just want him to be a man) and get pedicures together now and I hated them before.. .. anyways the remark was if I take away everything that its going to cause him to relapse and buy things and throw things away again.. he said he would love not to but its easier said then done.. so really what he means is he doesn't even want to try..

I'm so sad he talks to all these CDers on the forums who basically say "oh don't let your wife tell you to throw things away etc.. you need to be who you are inside the wife needs to learn to just deal etc" so now hes on this trip of that he cd's and tests boundaries no matter of how i am feeling or if I am hurt and never taking a break to be a man.. I'm losing my man yet if I talk to him i just get it thrown in my face that its impossible to quit and he would if he could.. well you ARNT TRYING..  He doesn't want to quit.. just like a alcholic doesn't want to stop drinking really.. its the same.. its a addiction is how I have been viewing it lately..its just getting the addicted to realize they have a problem and admit it and then get help for it.  he needs to find something other then CDing and wearing women's things and wanting to be a woman .. instead be my man and my husband and a father to our children.  save the money you spend on CDing and spend it on us.. think of us instead of yourself.. think of the pain you have put into my heart cause of this.. this just adds to everything else now..I have questions..

ok with this or if not what will happen to us..  I don't want to lose us yet I don't think my husband notices my dedication and what I have to deal with in order to be semi ok with all of this.. cause if i bring it up he brings up about him.. him him.. its about him when i tell him my feelings and how its going to affect him.

I just want to be taken care of instead of me taking care of everyone before myself..

I'm tired I need sleep..  =(

My day off

Well today was my day off.. Then I go back to work tomorrow and then have Wednesday off.. which I am not looking forward to cause I have a dentist appt in the AM on Wednesday.

Didn't do to much today.  Went up to my parents home to do some laundry since the washers and dryers in this apartment area are crap and it takes more then the required 4 quarters to dry a load.  So I took 2 loads up.  My dad made me breakfast since he said I don't get much done for me.  Which really is true I am always waiting on everyone else hand and foot.  It was good.. Scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon and hasbrowns.  

After I finished my laundry I went home then decided to go to the grocery store to get some sausages for dinner to go with the hamburgers.  Got those as well as some desert and lunch meat for the kids for their lunches tomorrow.  When I came home I decided to clean our room from top to bottom and organize it a bit better.  It looks a lot better now and we have some extra space which I made.  I took a bath after then sat and played on my cityville on facebook for awhile until about 3:45 when I needed to go pick up my husband from work.

Picked him up from work and we are at home now.  He had to get socks from upstairs since his toes are still painted with a french tip.  I really wish he would get rid of it and take it off.  Its still so very uncomfortable for me.  He knows this too but I guess he really doesn't care cause if he did care enough it would of been gone since that was not agreed upon he only thought it was ok.

I guess its just something little to fuss about and its nothing major.. there are far worse things in the world.  But I never do ask for much.

I am a bit tired today though so maybe that's why its on my mind more.  Or maybe I just want my husband to feel "normal" to me well as whatever society views as a normal husband.  Just for a bit.. hes been painting his nails for too long now.. there needs to be a break.. As someone said on the forums he didn't even give me any kind of break it has been all about him the CDing then the stuff I found on yahoo..

I know we have been talking and working with things and working things out.. I just cant help to feel deep down inside of me that he has cheated on me since we have been up here.. there is still that time he said he was looking at a gun on Craig's list when he texted me by mistake and said it was about a gun.. when i have a feeling he was meeting someone for well sex or something..idk.. i know I will have to sooner or later let things go and trust him again but its hard cause I'm so hurt.  I don't think he actually knows how much hurt I have inside.  I don't think anyone knows really how much hurt I have inside of me...there is so much emotion I have hid for so many years just to keep others happy.

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

*Sara Bareilles King Of Anythin*

Date Night

So hubby and I went on a date night last night to a restaurant called Bonton's..  I had never been there so I wanted to go try it.  Let me tell you we wern't to impressed.  The food was fine.. my salad (Steak bleu) was good.. hubby had pasta.. but I wasn't impressed by their menu or the setting.  Service was pretty good.  I guess I expected it to be something like Red Robin.

Both of us were pretty tired since we had worked.  And I basically surprised hubby with date night since all the kids were staying with friends.  I dressed up a bit.. put on make up did my hair and changed into dressy black pants and a nice black top and wore some heels.  (God heels and snow and ice don't mix well lol)

We came home and I was exhausted.. probably from the drink I had there.. It hit me faster then usual.  Hubby checked his emails before bed and I tried to work on my cityville on facebook.  Then we went to bed and cuddled which is nice.

Since yesterday we have this thing where we randomly say I love you in different ways at different times of the day when the other person isn't expecting it.  Today hubby made a song and sent it on a text to me saying I love you.  He also posted this morning a post on facebook with a beautiful poem of what I mean to him.  It made me cry before work.  he asked why I was crying and I told him they are happy tears that what he wrote touched my heart and made it happy.  We hugged.

Things are going good right now but I know that you can be in a honeymoon type stage for awhile after thing's have been rocky but I am going to try my best to keep things going good as well as communication going good.

Well time to finish making burgers for dinner :)

Calm after the storm

So we talked a bit last night about what I found..  I really thought that he was going to be pissed and defensive with me after reading my emails I sent to him.  But he wasn't he surprised me by how umm whats a good word for it I want to say mature he handled it.. but he handled himself well with talking to me and listening to me as well.

He tells me he has not done anything with that guy and I do believe him it just still hurts me that it even came in his mind to do something like that.  And as one of the girls put on the forums it is a form of cheating.. even if you are having computer sex with someone or showing them naked pictures.. its all a form of cheating and can hurt your partner... and it hurt me and it still hurts me to this day.  It brings back memories of what happened in the past when I basically "let" him cheat on me.  It hurt me so bad and I think I am forever scared from it.

I feel like I am not good enough for him well that I am not "enough" for him that he always needs these men to satisfy him.  I don't want to feel that way I want to feel like I can satisfy him and make him happy.  Why does he need this.. he is 35yo he is a adult and doesn't need to play these games with other men.  I cant even begin to compete.. but I don't want to either.. I don't want to have to win to have my husband be faithful to me.

We are going to work on things and I know its not going to happen over night.  There is a lot of hurt in our relationship and a TON of hurt on my side.  I don't think he could even imagine how much hurt I have inside my body right now.  It would really overload him I think.  But slowly he will learn just how much over the years and especially these past 2mo have hurt me and left scars.  One of the girls did make a good point when I made a post about how hurt I was about all this she said "I know you love him. But he his spending his free time having computer sex with strange men right after you find his CDing stuff. There's not even a break from his behavior while you struggle to cope with his dressing."  Which is so true  there was no break and he took advantage of me trying to be accepting with doing it daily and having his nails painted all the time and shaving off body hair left to right.. not once did the thought of my feelings and how I was doing came into his head I don't think... And when I tried to express myself he would get mad and say i always make things about me and he never gets to express his feelings and how he feels.. so we never got very far..


So last night I do hope that he follows through with what he promised me and what we are going to work on together.  I need it.. "we" need it...I need my husband.. He told me once he doesn't know how to make me happy.. I finally told him how he can make me happy.. to care for me, listen when I am hurt and notice that I am hurt and I get tired too.. I am not wonder woman..I need to know that my man cares about me and notices..


I'm tired mentally and emotionally..

Cheating?

Well I wasn't expecting today to go as bad as it has and its only 9am.  Last night I figured that my husband had been going on his yahoo account which he told me he was not and that he changed the PW on it to something he wouldn't remember since he couldn't figure out how to delete it.  I trusted him...

BIG MISTAKE

I look at his yahoo profile last night and well there was activity on the 11th from him adding this Jason person to it..and oh guess what Jason lives in our town.

So I asked him about it last night his answer

"Yahoo must be acting weird cause I haven't been on it.  Oh yahoo is always causing problems"  yeah yahoo causes problems cause you cant control yourself on it.. just like a gun by itself doesn't shoot ppl it needs a person behind it.

So this morning I decided to log into his messenger  (sorry if some think its snooping and i know hes gonna be pissed too but i must know the truth)  and this Jasons person messages me (well thinking it was my husband) and says...

Jason **: morning

Dark ** *CD*: morning

Jason **: hows it going?

Dark ** *CD*: tired but good and you?

Jason **: same, i dont want to go to work today

Dark ** *CD*: me either

Jason **: well i better get to it, what are you doing on tuesday?

Dark ** *CD*: im not sure yet why?

Jason **: maybe we can get together

Dark ** *CD*: that could be fun

Dark ** *CD*: my days off my change soon

Dark ** *CD*: might*

Jason **: ok well let me know before tuesday, i really need to suck a juicy cock

So yeah I played along a bit to see what he would say.. but OMG how am I suppose to feel.. I don't feel loved by my husband at all and I don't feel cherished..

So I sent him a email cause face to face right now I think I would explode.. but I will bet you a ton of money that he gets pissy at me.. when I wasn't the one trying to cheat

I'm not perfect I will tell you all this.. in the past years ago I cheated on him.. emotionally cheated on him by talking to someone online.. never once was i out for sex or trying to find someone in our town.. but that still doesn't make it right what I did either..

Please pray for me and what I feel like I'm about to go through.

Meatloaf.. its whats for dinner

Yep tonight is meatloaf night.  Although my family seems to enjoy it which shocks me cause I have such picky eaters..my husband being one of them lol.  going to make corn or green beans with it too.

Work was ok today rather slow then we ran out of butter cream icing.  So hopefully it comes in tonight so I can finish a few more cakes.  Picked hubby up at noon to take him to work.  I cant wait until we have a 2nd car again.

Found some activity on his Yahoo.. even though he swears he hasn't been on it but I kinda think that it was a lie.  especially since he said he isn't able to delete it.  Which Ive looked up and its really easy you just need to know your PW.  So if he hasn't been using it we will see if he tries to go on it now.  if so hes gonna need to redo his PW again.. or ask me what I changed it to...I am a bit hurt cause he has a "local" person on there now a male.. and well my husbands profile on there is total CD and bisexual stuff.. so why does he need a local man friend under that profile?

Well we will see I guess.. if we don't make it.. which I must tell you all now I DON'T want to happen but if it ever came down to it everyone is gonna look at me like its my fault the marriage failed cause they all view him as this perfect guy (At least his family does)..So if something goes wrong he is gonna have to tell them and stop all this lying...

For better for worse right?  I think I got the worse end of the stick and right now hubby has the better since I am the one trying to be accepting and tolerating of all of this without a thought in the world to my feelings or how all this really makes me feel.. as long as hes happy and gets what he wants right?  its always what he wants.. i come last.. *sigh*

Back to meatloaf.. hopefully it will taste good.. added BBQ to it this time..

Wraping my brain around it all

I am trying to still wrap my brain around all this CDing etc.  Its so confusing to me as to why the man I love, the man I married had this big secret he kept from me this whole time lying and not telling me the whole truth.  but when I was caught in a lie he would scold me and tell me how liars make him sick.  How I could look him in the face and lie to him.  yet how many times has he done that to me over the last almost 20yrs we have been together.

I will say again I have no problem with ppl who choose to CD.. but I still have a problem with it when it comes to my husband.  With him I want to be selfish.  I want him to be one of those men who try their hardest to give it up for their wife and children.  I want him to be the one sacrificing himself for us instead of me always sacrificing myself for him.

God I want to be selfish so bad I have awful nightmares now about all this CDing and him.  I wake up sweating or in tears.  Ive been trying to understand.  And I do but its like my brain shuts down and I don't want to understand for my husbands side.  I don't understand how he cant love who God made him to be.  I believe God made him for me so he was made a male since I am female.  god made his body just to fit me perfectly to fit me.. to fit my desires and to make me attracted to him.  I am not attracted to my husband in women's clothing or panties shoes, hair or make up.  I am not attracted to my husband when his legs are shaved or arms.. I can deal with the chest and underarms and "privates" but legs..I miss his leg hair.  I am not attracted to my husband when he wears anything but clear nail polish.  Its such a turn off.  I would trade the nail polish for shaved legs any day.  I would agree for him to shave his legs or whatever he wanted (even though i dislike the feeling when our legs touch) in exchange for no color or at least clear only.

Why do I have such a issue with these you might ask.. I mean its something we are conditioned to as society.. yes but its also what I fell in love with what I grew to love about my man.. its what turns me on.. every woman is different on what they like in their man.. I don't think you can say we as a society have been conditioned to like something certain.. maybe to a point but in the end there are things we all like and dislike.

I pray every night for God to give me my husband back.. the one I thought I knew and loved from the beginning before I knew of this CDing.. and not that he would be hiding it again but he would be what I always thought he was.

Wednesday

Well today was a day off from work today for me.  Then back to work tomorrow.  It was a ok day.  Got the kids up for school and then went back to bed until noon when hubby getting out of bed woke me.  Had the strangest dream.

We were in a department store.  They served thanksgiving dinner in the middle of their displays.  A lady that looked like Kelly Ripa came up to my husband and I and asked if we needed help.  We said yes we are looking for boots.  She asked male or female boots and my husband spoke up rather quickly and said female boots.  I was sad so he went off to look at female boots and I went to the male side to look at the male boots (not sure why maybe my mind in my dream was trying to tell me I feel that I have to take that role)  My husband comes back with this bright blue boots with black fur on the top.  I just looked at him... one of those "looks"  and he turned to me and said "I don't care what you think I am getting them"  I sighed and told him we were going to be late for the hockey game and that he better change.. he said whats wrong with what I'm wearing (I looked him up and down and he was wearing a short short.. extremely short jean skirt with thigh highs and now his new boots)  I started to cry in my dream.  Then I woke up.. my dream seemed weird but made me sad when I woke.

I had a good day with hubby though before children came home from school.. even though he played his computer game a lot we still had a good time.

I pray I get to have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off with him again.  I think having those days off makes my mind more at ease..I need that right now.

Exhausted

Had to go to work this morning by 7am.. very exhausted.  Had to do some freezer work with putting away a shipment that came in.  Muscles hurt and basically whole body hurts.  Then had to come home make hubby lunch cause he said "I haven't ate anything but crackers today I'm hungry" So made him a bagel sandwich with chips and cut up some Asian pear for him.. then 2hrs later had to start on dinner and get that made.  Steak tonight and potatoes.

Just wish I would of got help since it was his day off.  I'm always doing everything its like he doesn't care if I am tired or have been working all day when he has been home on the computer doing nothing.. nothing was even cleaned either..

*sigh*

Ill write more tomorrow I'm tired tonight..

My childhood history

So in my previous post I started to talk about a small amount of my childhood.  I would of continued talking about more of it but that post was about my dreams and goals.  So it would not fit into the subject as well.  With my healing I am trying to do now I would like to post a bit about what has happened to me as a child.

In my previous post I talked about my grandparents raising me.  I never did call them mom or dad when I was a baby they made sure I always knew them as grandma and grandpa.  And I knew my mom as my mom.

We moved quite a bit.  When I was in 3rd grade we moved from Alaska to Arizona then to Montana.  I was almost 9 when we were in Montana.  This is where my life changed and felt like I hit a brick wall.

It was April and my grandpa was home from the hospital for a few weeks.  He had heart problems and they always were doing surgeries or check ups etc..

One morning my grandma was in the kitchen making breakfast and we had friends visiting from another town.  They were sitting at the table with my grandpa and talking.  I was on the ground near the fireplace cracking open pecans.  All of a sudden I heard a fork drop to the wood floor.  (I will never forget that sound)  And my grandpa slumped over and face landed on the table.  I cant remember what was said then or how my grandma knew to come into the dining room.  But she was there and brought him to the ground almost in front of me.

She laid him on his back.  She kept talking to him telling him it was going to be ok and not to leave her.  I was frozen.  yet it was like I was floating above my body watching all the events.  She ran into the kitchen to get his heart medicine and opened the bottle and told him she was putting it under his tongue.  She tried to do CPR although I know she wasn't 100% sure on how to do it.  over and over she tried and tried as I just sat there frozen not able to do anything.  No tears or nothing were coming from my eyes.  I was like a statue.  She went into the kitchen to call for help.  We didn't live in town and the town next to us was very small.  They only had a volunteer EMTs.  It seemed like forever as my grandma tried everything to save my grandpa.  The EMTs showed up which seemed like it had been a lifetime for them to get there.  My grandma instructed me to go back to my room with my dog.  I did as she said.

In my room alone with my dog not knowing what was going on or what was happening to my grandpa I sat there.  I sat there hugged my pillow and talked to God.  I told him please don't take my grandpa he means so much to me and I need him.  My grandma needs him.  His life has been so wonderful their marriage so wonderful.  Please take me instead.  I wasn't meant to be here they just took me in.  They need one another.  Over and over I begged for God to just take me instead.  But as you know God doesn't answer all our prayers.. at least the way we would like at the time.

Time went by and I'm not even sure how long but my grandma came in my room with one of the EMT ladies and said that I need to go tell grandpa good bye.  He was still laying in the exact same spot as before I went to my room.  its scary he was not moving.  Still i did not cry.  I stayed strong.  there was to much hurt in the room for me to fall apart now.  I needed to show them that I was strong.  I got on my knees and leaned over and kissed my grandpa for the last time.  I felt a tingle in my lips when I did.  I always thought that it was some sort of sign when I was younger now maybe it was just my imagination.

my grandma took a shower later that day and I remember walking by the bathroom and hearing her crying.  Still I didn't cry.  I cried at night though in bed.  Alone so no one would know.  I hurt so much.  We were so close.  he was "my father"  he taught me so many things, games, construction (he was a carpenter) and how a man should be with his children.  my grandma always told me how much my grandpa loved me.  Now he was gone.

I remember so much from that day even though it was 23yrs ago.  I remember smells sounds.. I can close my eyes and picture everything again.  I cant let it go and I wont let it go.

A few nights after his passing I had a dream.  We were at a church I had not seen before and I guess it was after his funeral and he was standing behind a tree and called me over.  I went over to him and he told me "Let your grandma know I am ok now"  After waking from the dream I decided not to tell anyone about it.  I was scared.  maybe they wouldn't believe me.  I kept that inside for a very long time.  Finally when I was a adult probably around 23 I told my grandma of this dream and she told me it was probably a sign from him and that I should of told her years ago.

Oh I almost forgot.  The church in this dream ended up being the same church that we had the actual funeral at.  So I think that kinda frightened me as well.  Knowing I had seen this place in my dream and not seen it before.

So I have a lot of hurt inside me stuck inside that I don't want to let go of feeling that I will end up letting go of my grandpa.. he had asked me just a couple days before his passing that if he died would I be sad..I was sad and I still am.

2 weeks went by after his death.  my grandma got a call from the vets hospital saying they had a heart for him (for a transplant).. they were a bit to late...  I hope whoever got that heart cherished it and lived their life to the fullest..cause given just a little bit more time it could of been my grandpas.