Interview

OMG!  I almost forgot to mention..

I have a job interview tomorrow!  It is at a local church here for a admin position.  Very excited cause I think this is something I would like to do for now and I know the enviorment would be nice to work in and they would be more understanding when one of my children gets sick then the BIG company I worked for before..

So Thursday evening after my interview ill try to remember to post and let you know how it went.  Wish me luck!

Names?

"Sometimes I wish he wouldn't believe me when i say I'm "ok". I wish he could look into my eyes see the pain, know I'm lying, and say its alright."

I do a lot of that stated above.  Mostly cause I am a people pleaser I assume.  I understand my husband is not a mind reader and that I need to communicate,  but even I can look at him in his eyes and see when something is bothering him.. he well cant seem to figure that out with me.  I guess I am a good actress.

Ok names,  whats in a name.  This name thing really gets me confused.  Why do CD's have to have a separate name?  I understand for the ones who want to be female.  But for those who say they just enjoy the feeling and dressing in women's clothes every now and then.  Why do they have to have a name.  If that's all they want cant they just stay with one name.. one personality?

I view this 2nd name as another personality.  Cause so many it seems (and my husband included) act soo differently on the forums when posting.. trying (and i stress trying) to capture the feminine part of them with their "hehe" or "hun" etc..  I don't even see a lot of GG's doing that.  To me it looks quite silly.  But I do understand why they do it they think it makes them seem more girly. (My guess)

But if you want want to be a female.. if you don't feel you have been born in the wrong body "why" do you have to do all that?  Cant you just be happy with you and how God made you and the name your mother gave you?

Moving on...

Its really quite strange to me that the opposite sex would take something a women does.. example:  sneezing.. and dissect it to try and get what they call a female sneeze down perfectly.. Saying things like we (GG's) were taught to sneeze like girls..  I must have missed out on that class then in school cause I was never taught how to sneeze.. nor did my family say *K* you need to start sneezing like a girl.  *laughs*  And I think there was one about "peeing" quietly.. no we do not get taught these things.. there is no special class etc or mothers do no sit their girls down and talk about this cause there is nothing to talk about.

Holding my breath

I feel guilty inside and hurt and ashamed.  To those who have become my friends who CD this post has nothing to do with my acceptance of you.  This is about my husband and what I want from him and what I thought I had from him and my whole married life with him.  While it might seem 2 faced but its a lot different when the CD issue is with someone you married thinking he was one way and turned out to be a lie and is the other way.. then someone who has been truthful to you and honest from the start whom you liked as a friend from the very beginning and knew WHO they are.

I just cant do it I cant accept him with his CDing.  It hurts me so much inside.  I now seem to look at other men and wonder if they have the secret like my husband.  I check their nails mannerisms etc.. any sign that might be shown to me that they CD too.  Its like I cant trust any man to be a full manly man.  never before was this in my mind.. but now that I have to deal with CDing for the rest of my life it is.

Ive gone on a secret strike.  I have decided to no longer wash his panties or tights. If he wants to wear them then he can wash them.  its not my duty to wash them.  Which we dont have a private washer so he will have to find the time to wash them.  It may sound harsh but I have given up a lot of myself so that he could have those panties and tights..small price to pay for him..

God I hate saying it but it has so much truth to it.  I did not want this when looking for a mate.. I did not sign up for this.  Why do I have to learn to be ok with it?  I want to compair it to someone who gets into a relationship with a addict.. its not something they signed up for or wanted either.. but in order for that relationship to work that addict must want some kind of help and want to change.  yes i am sorry I still view my husbands CDing as a addiction.. yes I know many of my readers will tell me its not.. but deep in my heart that's what I feel.. I apologise.

I do so much Ive given up so much.. each and every day my day is lived for him I do things all day for him whatever he wants..so i asked him the other day "what do you do for me?"  his answer was short and simple "I got you a iphone and i love you"

my husband doesn't talk about feelings, and doesn't want to hear my feelings.  If i try then I am being bitchy he says or i am being selfish.. so i don't.. I've learned that over the years.. so we don't talk about his CDing.. when we did only thing he could say "this is who I am and its not going away".. or "if you take away most of my things it will just backfire".. never once did he say we need to work through this and i will work on myself as well.. it was always ME having to be accepting of him.. me giving and giving.. and he could care less i think if i did end up leaving

No matter how much emotional abuse i have gone though and still go through i still love him.. no matter how much i hurt inside ill stay.. maybe one day he will see that hurt before its to late for me..even if he see's it.. things will never change.. he doesn't see anything wrong with himself with the relationship.. its always me that needs to change or to apologise..

i wonder if he would be accepting of me if i had lied to him about something for 15+yrs.. i wish  he cared more about me and his family.. he doesn't...

still trying to see the 'female' parts of him but nothing about him is female.. hes very manly looking with manly features.. not soft of feminine his personality is very male.. everything about him is male..guess he just hides it well and saves his nice female side for the forums he goes on with his "hehe" and trying to act girly

*sigh*

I'm just hurt ... sorry...