Today is my day off. The days almost over with but its been kinda sluggish for some reason. Maybe I have been trying to search myself. I feel that I have so much emotion inside of me that some is buried so deep that I cant find it anymore.
I want to feel peace inside myself and try to be happy with who I am and my life. So many things I wish I could of changed but I guess that things happen for a reason and that without going through those things in my life that I wouldn't be who I am today (don't know if that's any good) or where I am today (again questionable).. But possibly if I would not have gone though what I have been through I might not of had the beautiful children that I do have now.
My oldest is 17 and will be 18 this coming March. I was just a baby when I had him too.. I was 15. I know I made so many mistakes with him. Things I wish I could take back now and change to be a better mother. But I cant and that hurts deeply. He will be leaving home after next school year and I think I will be upset when that does happen. Hes a good kid and like the usual teen he thinks he knows everything. But I know he loves me and I hope that in his adult life he will learn to make good choices and will learn from what he has seen in the past of what not to do. I think I have raised him right on how to treat a woman. And I do hope he keeps that with him for the rest of his life. I hope he has learned that women need to cry sometimes and need a strong man there as their rock as a shoulder just to cry on.
My 2nd child will be 15 this coming February. I take him to be a big mommas boy even though he LOVES to argue with me. But at the same time he is very caring towards me and does not like to see me hurt or upset. Its not something he should of witnessed in his life but he has. The last really large argument his dad and I had he walked in on. After he was so upset with his dad he did not even want to come down for dinner yet he asked if I was ok. He loves to help me out and this past mothers day and my birthday he was the one who made me breakfast and dinner (while my husband did as he usually does and sat on his computer and I guess expected me to do all that).. He looks after his mother.. not a job he should have but without him and his brother I would feel lost. They are both great boys. Both of them get A's and B's in school.. his older brother well its harder but ever since we got the 15yo help he is so proud to bring home his report card.
My youngest is my daughter who will be 13 this month (eek!) Shes quite the drama queen and even so more now that she has taken that important step into womanhood (she would kill me if she knew I even said anything to anyone about it lol).. While she is a big daddy's girl she always tells me to smile or asks me if I am ok when I am not smiling. We do butt heads quite often but without her my house would be to quiet for sure! She is a chatterbox to the extreme. When she was just little like 3 or 4 we would tell her "i'll give you a quarter if you can be quiet for 15mins".. lets just say she never got that quarter lol.
Those are the 3 most important things in my life and a lot of times they are the reason I am still here and not in heaven with my loved ones I miss. When I am down a lot of times I will think about them and how they would miss me so much if something ever happened to me. They get me through it all and they have no clue that they do.
I would like to move forward in my life I feel like I am stuck. This pain paralyzes me and I just want to be able to vent it all out without being told that I am being bitchy or that they dont want to hear it.. I just want them to see the pain in my eyes..Sure he can tell when something is bugging me but I cant tell him all of it or even the truth cause I know exactly where that conversation will lead I've been there.
I pray sometimes for God to just show him whats in my heart and all my pain so that he would want to understand. I hope that prayer gets answered cause right now there is no other way. I would love to slap him (sorry not the abuse type lol) and tell him wake up im hurting and I just need you. I'm scared that when all the kids leave that there will be no more reason for me to stick around in this pain. Thats only 5-6yrs away.. I want him to give me reason to not feel that way.
He leaves on Saturday for 2 weeks to go play army in Iowa (TG I don't have to worry about any dressing or meeting up with people there..).. Im going to do a lot of soul searching then and hopefully find a therapist to talk to.. Im not good with therapists.. I went to a few since we were military we had moved and I would have to find a new one or the therapist would get stationed somewhere else and I would have to get a new one.. Im not good opening up to strangers.. it takes me a bit to start to feel comfortable with telling them things in my life.. and will I have the courage this time to tell them about his CDing? I am going to have to.. so i can start healing.
Anyways dinner wont cook itself so this is my time to go..
