Today is my day off. The days almost over with but its been kinda sluggish for some reason. Maybe I have been trying to search myself. I feel that I have so much emotion inside of me that some is buried so deep that I cant find it anymore.
I want to feel peace inside myself and try to be happy with who I am and my life. So many things I wish I could of changed but I guess that things happen for a reason and that without going through those things in my life that I wouldn't be who I am today (don't know if that's any good) or where I am today (again questionable).. But possibly if I would not have gone though what I have been through I might not of had the beautiful children that I do have now.
My oldest is 17 and will be 18 this coming March. I was just a baby when I had him too.. I was 15. I know I made so many mistakes with him. Things I wish I could take back now and change to be a better mother. But I cant and that hurts deeply. He will be leaving home after next school year and I think I will be upset when that does happen. Hes a good kid and like the usual teen he thinks he knows everything. But I know he loves me and I hope that in his adult life he will learn to make good choices and will learn from what he has seen in the past of what not to do. I think I have raised him right on how to treat a woman. And I do hope he keeps that with him for the rest of his life. I hope he has learned that women need to cry sometimes and need a strong man there as their rock as a shoulder just to cry on.
My 2nd child will be 15 this coming February. I take him to be a big mommas boy even though he LOVES to argue with me. But at the same time he is very caring towards me and does not like to see me hurt or upset. Its not something he should of witnessed in his life but he has. The last really large argument his dad and I had he walked in on. After he was so upset with his dad he did not even want to come down for dinner yet he asked if I was ok. He loves to help me out and this past mothers day and my birthday he was the one who made me breakfast and dinner (while my husband did as he usually does and sat on his computer and I guess expected me to do all that).. He looks after his mother.. not a job he should have but without him and his brother I would feel lost. They are both great boys. Both of them get A's and B's in school.. his older brother well its harder but ever since we got the 15yo help he is so proud to bring home his report card.
My youngest is my daughter who will be 13 this month (eek!) Shes quite the drama queen and even so more now that she has taken that important step into womanhood (she would kill me if she knew I even said anything to anyone about it lol).. While she is a big daddy's girl she always tells me to smile or asks me if I am ok when I am not smiling. We do butt heads quite often but without her my house would be to quiet for sure! She is a chatterbox to the extreme. When she was just little like 3 or 4 we would tell her "i'll give you a quarter if you can be quiet for 15mins".. lets just say she never got that quarter lol.
Those are the 3 most important things in my life and a lot of times they are the reason I am still here and not in heaven with my loved ones I miss. When I am down a lot of times I will think about them and how they would miss me so much if something ever happened to me. They get me through it all and they have no clue that they do.
I would like to move forward in my life I feel like I am stuck. This pain paralyzes me and I just want to be able to vent it all out without being told that I am being bitchy or that they dont want to hear it.. I just want them to see the pain in my eyes..Sure he can tell when something is bugging me but I cant tell him all of it or even the truth cause I know exactly where that conversation will lead I've been there.
I pray sometimes for God to just show him whats in my heart and all my pain so that he would want to understand. I hope that prayer gets answered cause right now there is no other way. I would love to slap him (sorry not the abuse type lol) and tell him wake up im hurting and I just need you. I'm scared that when all the kids leave that there will be no more reason for me to stick around in this pain. Thats only 5-6yrs away.. I want him to give me reason to not feel that way.
He leaves on Saturday for 2 weeks to go play army in Iowa (TG I don't have to worry about any dressing or meeting up with people there..).. Im going to do a lot of soul searching then and hopefully find a therapist to talk to.. Im not good with therapists.. I went to a few since we were military we had moved and I would have to find a new one or the therapist would get stationed somewhere else and I would have to get a new one.. Im not good opening up to strangers.. it takes me a bit to start to feel comfortable with telling them things in my life.. and will I have the courage this time to tell them about his CDing? I am going to have to.. so i can start healing.
Anyways dinner wont cook itself so this is my time to go..
Dear Unord - A few disconnected thoughts after reading your latest entry. You are an amazingly talented writer. Yes, our children are truly a wonderful gift and they do sometimes provide an anchor for our feelings, especially when our feelings for our spouses are shaky or uncertain. But please make sure you have other anchors as well. Friends, relatives, church, jobs, and other things such as hobbies and things you volunteer for can help give you things to grab hold of when times are tough. And with depression, so much of the time we're not even thinking rationally, so make sure you have good anchors before you really need them. Because I know I'm not the only one who doesn't want anything to happen to you now or when the kids leave, or after that. I don't truly know you, but my goodness, not many people can express themselves the wonderful way that you can. Couple that with your obviously caring and loving personality, and your unique experiences (yeah, the good and the bad!), and you can see that you are a unique and very special person. And just FYI, even when the kids move out (and it may take longer than you think!), they will *always* need you. :-) Anyway, I am very glad you are here, as you always make me think, and you give me a different perspective, which I truly value. Thank you, Unord!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your blog. I am sorry for how difficult your experience must be, speaking from my own personal experience in trying to stop. It also gives insight to how my own wife must feel.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I see comments from others who say that CDing does not hurt anyone. I wish they would take the time to see your blog or the other sites and blogs I have seen that show how spouses can be hurt and angered, and how crossdressing even if just an addiction, or if something more, dramaticaly can violate or strain trust and roles in relationships.
I echo mycdrecovery's comments above. May I place a link to your blog on my blog, so that others may read about your feelings and thoughts on this? Your perspective is important.
ReplyDeleteThorin25 You may post my link on your page. I would be honored!
ReplyDeleteUnordinary
ReplyDeleteI want 2 echo all that has been said about your blog. I believe that coincidence is when God chooses 2 remain anonomous and so finding you and my other fellow warriors is no accident.
I was one of those that believed that my actions were only mine and had no effect on my family. I was almost 2 years going to work as "Victoria" accepted by most all the people on my route. I am a mailman and was going to a therapist who convinced me that my only problem was that I had not fully embraced victoria and should let her out completely. I was a crossdresser already but when I heard some people in my office were spreading rumors about me being a crossdresser my arrogance kicked in and so the next day I walked in as Victoria. I went out every friday night and even went so far as to establish a regular "hang-out" where I found acceptance and toleration and affirmation.
All at the expense of my wife and my son to whom I said on more than one occasion "this is my problem not yours and if you don't like it then it is your problem not mine" My God I feel so badly about this even now that I could have ever been so selfish and self-centered but that is the way addicts r and no matter how the world wishes 2 color it, this is an addiction. It is as addictive as alcohol or drugs as it messes with those pleasure spots in the brain. It gave me a "high" and even when I stopped there was withdrawals.
I hurt so much 4 you and what u r going through. It is through your writings that I have seen the pain that my wife went through. I want to apologize 2 you as I have apologized so many times 2 my wife and I can only pray that the Lord will be with u in this journey & 4 ur husband 2 see the pain he is causing by continuing as an addict. Don't believe that he cannot stop but that 4 whatever the reason he won't stop. Perhaps because untill my wife looked at me & said "When u r old & can't take care of yourself who will be there 2 care 4 you? I believe that was when the Holy Spirit finally got hold of me & said enough is enough.
I believe there is a story in every man that struggles with crossdressing. There is a wound somewhere in the past that created this urge or 4 me protection. I was badly abused, physically & mentally. Sexually abused at 4 and molested untill the age of 17. Victoria was my protector. When I needed the comfort I sought I turned 2 "her" and continued 2 turn to her until my 40s. I knew it was wrong to crossdress but we have a wonderful way of rationalizing sin in any form.
I am presently in recovery until the day Christ takes me home. It has been a long arduous journey filled with ups and downs, victories & regrets. It was only after I chose to trust Christ that I have begun to see light at the end of the tunnel.
I tell you a short portion of my story not so that you feel badly 4 me but 2 let u no that there is hope, 4 you and 4 your husband. I think God was happy when my wife told me that it was either her or victoria and though I was pissed at the time I realized that I didn't want 2 lose my family, that their love meant more 2 me than my alter-ego did. It took strength 4 her 2 lay it out like that, 2 take that kind of a chance but she did it and I have been trying to "grow up" a little more each day because of it. When u find out that u really "can't have your cake and eat it too" it becomes kind of a wake up call.
A decision not 2 make a decision is still a decision and had she continued 2 "enable" me and not give me the pain that I needed it would have been so much easier 2 continue to break her heart. Thanks be 2 God that I am a changed man today & thank u for sharing your pain with me and showing me through your words how to love her ever deeper for allowing me to walk through my pain with her at my side. May God bless you and your family and may you know that you are not alone.
Andrew
Please forgive my post with all the computer speak but I did not realize there was a limit on the number of words. Being a writer it is difficult to truncate something so close to my heart. I am also known as Dramaking55.
ReplyDeleteThank you
Andrew