I feel overly sad lately and I feel selfish for feeling this way. I feel like I have lost what I truly believed in and was working so hard for, my marriage.
I don't tell my husband how I feel cause I know him all to well and I know he will be upset with me or tell me that its always about my feelings. I don't know how to express to him how hurt I really am deep down inside and that I am not sure if I can live my life forever with this new chapter in our lives, the CDing. The very thought of him even wearing anything that is female from the smallest of things like the panties or nail polish (even the freakin clear polish now bothers me cause its a reminder to me.. i hate myself for it I hate myself that I cant just look past it and get over it.) All of it is a constant reminder to me. I have so much pain locked inside my heart. Who knows what its really doing to my health at the moment.
He is all I've known.. hes my everything. I cant just leave. I would have wasted 20yrs of my life if I was just to leave to try and make myself happy again. My world would turn upside down. For starters I wouldn't even be able to support myself let alone my 3 children. I hardly make enough in my line of work. My checks basically cover us from his check in between. They don't pay major bills.
But I DON'T want it to be over. I always pictured us growing old together. But I am scared.. scared that I am losing myself so that he can have a bit of himself.. He does not fully dress daily.. from what I know he only has some stockings left since he decided to throw away all his panties cause I told him if he was going to wear them he could wash them. So he just threw them out. He said he threw out other things like shoes and stuff but I don't believe that. They are probably hidden somewhere in the house. (Even though we agreed that at the time I was not ready for shoes either) And I am sure there is more stuff hidden.
I wanted to cry the other day when we were at the store and we passed the nail polish remover and he says "I think your daughter has hijacked the remover so we need to get more" ... well I don't use it..so he must need it.. but not sure why he needs it for clear polish which is what we agreed to in the past.. so I assume he has other colors hidden in the house.. but just that moment I wanted to just crawl into a hole and never come out.
I cried today for myself.. I hate crying over myself.. it makes me feel so selfish. But I couldn't hold it in. I was typing a PM to someone on the CD forums and the topic of my grandpa came up. I looked up at his picture on the wall and just wish he was here to protect me and comfort me. I don't feel like I have anyone around me to protect me to keep me save and make sure I am happy. its not like I can tell someone in my family about this for them to give me a hug and support. I am alone. I cant talk to my husband about it cause well in his words "this is who I am you will just have to deal with it".. where is that someone that will protect me and want to see me happy?
Just a bunch of negative crap has been going through my head today. I just cant get out of this funk. I was in the car driving and then started crying remembering a few months ago (probably in feb or march) when my husband and I got into a argument.. I believe it was cause I wouldn't help him find something at the time cause I was busy and he looked straight at me and said to me "why don't you just die"... how can you say that to someone you are suppose to love and cherish? Even if I was completely angry with him (which I have been lots of times) I would never wish him to die. That phrase he said to me haunts me often.
I just wish this CDing thing would go away. yes I know its not that easy or maybe not even possible. although I have gotten a few PMs lately on the CD forums telling me stopping isn't impossible but you have to actually have to have the strong desire to want to stop and keep on the path. I wish he would stop. I would give anything if he would just stop. I never tell him that and I never would.
I want to be important to him. I want him to think of me as a big priority in his life. I feel that I'm not. I feel he doesn't treat me as one. At times yes but often no.
We will have the same days off soon. I think that will help me a bit with the stress I have on his days off. I m scared to even come home unannounced cause of the last time I interrupted him and got yelled at for it. Its my house too yet I feel like a guest who has to say "is it ok if I come home today?'
I work outside the house in a job where I am on my feet the whole time and heavy lifting as well as running around the store. I enjoy my job. Going there is kinda like a breath of fresh air. My co-workers are nice and we all chat and get along well. Then I come home have to make dinner and deal with children and a husband too. I'm pretty lucky that my kids help me out most days. but its wearing me down. its not like I am a stay at home mom anymore with all the time on my hands.. I work then come home and work some more. I wish it would get noticed.
I am sorry but I am not attracted to my husband at all when I think about his Cding. its a BIG turn off for me. And kinda makes me sick inside. its just not my thing. Sure there are women out there who like that but that's not me. it makes me sad. I wish he could see my sadness or if he does I wish he would be the one to wipe these tears away and give me comfort.
He will be going to training for his work probably in January to another state. I'm scared..Trying to trust him but its been bruised.. and I'm so scared....
I feel alone here in my life...
My heart just hurts for the pain you are going through. I wish I could make things better for you. I guess all I can do is pray for you and try to support you with my words. God is good, and God is powerful. Don't give up hope at what he can do.
ReplyDeleteMy marriage was so horrible at some points that I just wanted to die and go home to be with Jesus. Nothing seemed like it was going to work to help us and nothing seemed like it would change. But that time of intense suffering my life, for years on end, led me deeper into my relationship with God. By not divorcing I sacrificed. I learned how to be obedient to God even when it hurts to do so. But God sustained me. I learned to depend on him. I learned to grow in my character through suffering. God taught both my wife and I how to not be so selfish. We both learned patience, and sacrificial service to each other. We learned that marriage was more about commitment and unconditional love, than about romantic feelings. We learned how to forgive, and how to deny our own wants. Today, we have a beautiful marriage, and we are so glad we stuck it out. God has done so much in us. It's not a perfect marriage, but it's good.
I don't know what God has for you and your husband in the future. My hope would be that your husband would realize his selfishness, realize how much he is hurting you, and that he would stop crossdressing, and that you would both grow together in marriage and in your relationship with God. But you can't control whether that happens.
All you can do right now is control what you do. And what you can is to throw your burdens and cares at God. He can handle them. Your only hope of making it through these horrible times of suffering is if you cling to God. Let God form you and transform you through this suffering. Learn to depend on him. Let your yourself draw close to him. Drink deep of his love and grace and forgiveness for you. Let Jesus and his gift of salvation give you deep joy that no amount of suffering in life can take away from you. As ridiculous as it seems to say this, God can actually use a time of suffering in your life to be a great blessing to you ultimately. The lessons I learned in my suffering I will never forget. That time has shaped who my wife and I are and we will never be the same, and we are better for it.
Another thing is to focus on being the best wife you can be. You can't control him and his selfishness. But you can do what you are supposed to do, and that is to be loving, and serving, and forgiving. This doesn't mean allowing his crossdressing or accepting it. It means loving him as a person, and serving him even if he doesn't deserve it. It means turning the other cheek as Jesus talked about. Perhaps your example of love will help to transform your husband, but even if it doesn't, you will be doing what God has called you to do.
I hope my words help. If they are helpful, I'll start responding more to some of your other posts. But if I am too preachy (I am a pastor after all), please let me know, and I won't be so long winded and talk so much. I just want to be helpful, but if you don't find it helpful or necessary, that's just fine. So let me know :)
Also if you want to, I invite you to join the email prayer chain I have set up through my blog. There is a page where you can sign-up if you are interested. Then you would get a group of guys praying for you about this whenever you need it or something comes up.
ReplyDeleteHi would you like to join this forum, its for the wives and partners of c/ds. It may help you to see you are not alone, and you can post anon, I really home you do, so many women are having the exact same emotions..xxxxx my user name is Hi There.
ReplyDeletehttp://crossdresserswives.com/
You are worth so much more than the life you are leading.You have a choice...to be happy.Please get help for yourself if you can.Don't waste any more time with this man he won't change.But you CAN change your life not easy i know but at least please try
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