I feel overly sad lately and I feel selfish for feeling this way. I feel like I have lost what I truly believed in and was working so hard for, my marriage.
I don't tell my husband how I feel cause I know him all to well and I know he will be upset with me or tell me that its always about my feelings. I don't know how to express to him how hurt I really am deep down inside and that I am not sure if I can live my life forever with this new chapter in our lives, the CDing. The very thought of him even wearing anything that is female from the smallest of things like the panties or nail polish (even the freakin clear polish now bothers me cause its a reminder to me.. i hate myself for it I hate myself that I cant just look past it and get over it.) All of it is a constant reminder to me. I have so much pain locked inside my heart. Who knows what its really doing to my health at the moment.
He is all I've known.. hes my everything. I cant just leave. I would have wasted 20yrs of my life if I was just to leave to try and make myself happy again. My world would turn upside down. For starters I wouldn't even be able to support myself let alone my 3 children. I hardly make enough in my line of work. My checks basically cover us from his check in between. They don't pay major bills.
But I DON'T want it to be over. I always pictured us growing old together. But I am scared.. scared that I am losing myself so that he can have a bit of himself.. He does not fully dress daily.. from what I know he only has some stockings left since he decided to throw away all his panties cause I told him if he was going to wear them he could wash them. So he just threw them out. He said he threw out other things like shoes and stuff but I don't believe that. They are probably hidden somewhere in the house. (Even though we agreed that at the time I was not ready for shoes either) And I am sure there is more stuff hidden.
I wanted to cry the other day when we were at the store and we passed the nail polish remover and he says "I think your daughter has hijacked the remover so we need to get more" ... well I don't use it..so he must need it.. but not sure why he needs it for clear polish which is what we agreed to in the past.. so I assume he has other colors hidden in the house.. but just that moment I wanted to just crawl into a hole and never come out.
I cried today for myself.. I hate crying over myself.. it makes me feel so selfish. But I couldn't hold it in. I was typing a PM to someone on the CD forums and the topic of my grandpa came up. I looked up at his picture on the wall and just wish he was here to protect me and comfort me. I don't feel like I have anyone around me to protect me to keep me save and make sure I am happy. its not like I can tell someone in my family about this for them to give me a hug and support. I am alone. I cant talk to my husband about it cause well in his words "this is who I am you will just have to deal with it".. where is that someone that will protect me and want to see me happy?
Just a bunch of negative crap has been going through my head today. I just cant get out of this funk. I was in the car driving and then started crying remembering a few months ago (probably in feb or march) when my husband and I got into a argument.. I believe it was cause I wouldn't help him find something at the time cause I was busy and he looked straight at me and said to me "why don't you just die"... how can you say that to someone you are suppose to love and cherish? Even if I was completely angry with him (which I have been lots of times) I would never wish him to die. That phrase he said to me haunts me often.
I just wish this CDing thing would go away. yes I know its not that easy or maybe not even possible. although I have gotten a few PMs lately on the CD forums telling me stopping isn't impossible but you have to actually have to have the strong desire to want to stop and keep on the path. I wish he would stop. I would give anything if he would just stop. I never tell him that and I never would.
I want to be important to him. I want him to think of me as a big priority in his life. I feel that I'm not. I feel he doesn't treat me as one. At times yes but often no.
We will have the same days off soon. I think that will help me a bit with the stress I have on his days off. I m scared to even come home unannounced cause of the last time I interrupted him and got yelled at for it. Its my house too yet I feel like a guest who has to say "is it ok if I come home today?'
I work outside the house in a job where I am on my feet the whole time and heavy lifting as well as running around the store. I enjoy my job. Going there is kinda like a breath of fresh air. My co-workers are nice and we all chat and get along well. Then I come home have to make dinner and deal with children and a husband too. I'm pretty lucky that my kids help me out most days. but its wearing me down. its not like I am a stay at home mom anymore with all the time on my hands.. I work then come home and work some more. I wish it would get noticed.
I am sorry but I am not attracted to my husband at all when I think about his Cding. its a BIG turn off for me. And kinda makes me sick inside. its just not my thing. Sure there are women out there who like that but that's not me. it makes me sad. I wish he could see my sadness or if he does I wish he would be the one to wipe these tears away and give me comfort.
He will be going to training for his work probably in January to another state. I'm scared..Trying to trust him but its been bruised.. and I'm so scared....
I feel alone here in my life...
