Courage

25 years struggling with sorts of different pain.  25yrs ago this April my grandfather passed away on our dining room floor at breakfast time as my grandma was making pancakes and bacon.  I was 8 almost 9... He was 57 almost 58.. Our birthdays were 4 days apart.  He was my father cause he is the only man who had raised me since I was a infant.  I got this tattoo 2 days ago in remembrance of him.  The Diamond and Spade have meaning.. and if you have ever played Pinochle then you will know.  he taught me that game when I was 6 or 7.

its located on my wrist... this was done for him...

I struggled to try and be strong for everyone after he died.  I didn't want to be a burden for anyone.  I hid my pain I was going through.  that was the start of a lot of my problems with self injury and later a eating disorder.

Almost 21yrs ago I met my husband.  I got pregnant 18yrs ago when I was 15.. I became a teen mom... and a year and a half later I became a teen wife.  I depended way to much on my husband.  So much so that the mean things he would tell me I started to believe.  I didn't know better then..

15yrs of marriage I find out on my own by finding stuff hidden in MY bedroom.. that my husband is a CDer.  I find out that he has been out of the house dressed in our town (which isn't a large city).. in the car that I drive around in.. which is distinct.  

I try for the first couple months to learn and try and accept this even though my insides are crying and hurting so much from all this pain.. but I want to do this for him and make him happy..

Not often have I done things in my life to make me happy... I live to make others happy... my own mistake....

He still hides things and goes past our boundaries and I come to the conclusion that this is something that I wont be able to accept.. but I have tried....I want credit for that..

I received the comment to find the courage.. that I make the conscious choice to live like this until I decided to do something... which is why I put up the image from the wizard of oz of the cowardly lion.  The lion had friends along his path who finally helped him find his courage.  Even though it was there the whole time it was still the light from others who helped him see this in himself.

Finding courage isn't something that can happen over night especially when you have 3 children and have been in a relationship for 20yrs and your esteem has been broke down.  You have to build up yourself over time and yes it does take time.  God I wish it could happen in a instant.. that I could just be this strong woman that could think of herself before others and what she needs first.. but that's not me.  

I have changed and I have gotten more courageous over time.  I speak out a lot more but I have 25yrs of hurt and pain inside that I am still slowly working through.  I have a family whom I love and whom I want to try my best to stick together.

If I was similar to the cowardly lion I would have friends whom I could share things like this with who could help me on my path to finding my courage but I don't.  Since I have to keep my husbands secret and I would be too ashamed in the first place to tell anyone I know about it..

Which is why I have this blog.. as a place to vent when I am feeling down a place where I can come and type anything and reflect on things and again over time grow stronger and read the inspiring comments from many.  And hopefully help some stranger along my way who may be in a similar situation.. maybe I can help them find their courage.

So yes I make the conscious choice to stay in my marriage.. I make the choice to not have the communication in the relationship as that which I would like.  I've gotten better BUT I will communicate when I feel "safe"  If I don't feel safe and I feel like he will blow up.. ill just be quiet.. I pick my battles.. if that makes me wrong.. then I'm wrong..

My courage is growing...

That I am proud of...