I got a letter the other day in the mail from my uncle.. (well not sure if I still call him my uncle or not.. since my aunt (moms sister) and him are now divorced)
Anyways I think last year I told you all that he told my aunt he was gay and that they were now separated. the divorce was finally final now. The one marriage that I thought would last has ended. They seemed to be so strong in their faith and love and marriage. And all this time for years he was keeping a secret. So parts of me knows what my aunt was going through. Even though I cant tell her about my situation and probably would never want to anyways I can connect with her. Makes me question my own marriage.. mine sure as hell is a lot worse off then what hers was (from what was shown) how am I getting through this every day.. my mind still cannot wrap around it.
I hate it..
and I hardly ever use the word "hate"..
but I hate this..
I hate that I have to be put through this BS...
I hate that I was never given the choice on if I want to live a life with someone who wants to pretend to be a female every now and then.. who knows maybe years down the road he will want to be female 24x7..
I hate that he never told me that he lied to me and hid things from me.
I hate that he could live with himself with all these lies and tell me all the time how much he dislikes liars and that they are cowards for lying..
I hate that I was never his number one.. cause you cant be someone elses number one if they have secrets if they do things behind your back.. if they put themselves first and what they want before your own...
And lastly..
I hate that I hurt so much all the time and that I feel alone while others seem to be accepting.. it makes me just want to stay in a corner.
You are not alone, there are plenty of others like you out there. It hurts, it sucks, it's horrible suffering.
ReplyDeleteGod still has a plan for your life, and sometimes that plan includes hurts. Cling to him, grow in your relationship with him. Maybe God will someday use all of this for good. Maybe it will draw you closer to God in your relationship with him. Maybe this will keep teaching you how to be loving and patient even when it is not deserved by your husband (the same way God has love for us when we don't deserve it).
I don't know what God's plan is for your marriage, but I do know his primary purpose of marriage is to make us more holy, not just to make us happy. So keep striving, don't give up. Keep learning about Jesus, keep reading the Bible, keep on praying, keep on loving and serving. If you do that, there is no telling what powerful things God may do in your marriage. I will pray for you both right now.
Hello, would you like to have a peek at this site. Its for women and partners of c/ds. It may help you to see that there are lots of women out there from all over the world going through the same emotions as you are. I think you will get a lot of comfort from others who know what you are trying to deal with. my user name on the site is Hi There..
ReplyDeleteyou can read the founders story, and they have published a book called crossdressers wives. Please just even take a look and view the forum. Its for women only so the emotions can be very raw and sad, but I get a great uplifting by these other women .xx
http://crossdresserswives.com/
I feel those hate feelings, too. I'm thankful you wrote them, for from the anonymous reply above, I've found the crossdresserswives website. Thank you for setting up your blog page.
ReplyDeleteI ditto your feelings. "Hate" is the only logical word for "that other woman" (sort of) who my husband cherishes, buys expensive gifts for, goes away on trips with, and spends his sexual energies on. It is supposed to me in that role. I am also robbed of the husband I married...the man I knew...before he became so familiar with the christian CD network who helped to convince him that it is not a sin to be a transvestite, but it is who he really is. If it weren't for God and the children we would not have made it this far. On the other hand, it is for God and the children that at times I have nearly separated from him. And still might have to. It is such a perplexing state to be in. How do I glorify God and protect my children best? For now I continue to seek God himself through Jesus the Christ for myself. I have discovered through anguish and disappointment that His love, presence and power is all I really need. I ask Him to show me how to live every day, one at a time. I trust that He will accomplish what he desires in me and my family. Keeping faith in the LORD is like feeling that my feet have reached the end of the world, but trusting Him to keep putting solid ground under my feet while I keep walking. Every day, even if there is grief and uncertainty, His love, joy and peace engulf it. As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus...not the problems.
ReplyDelete