Truth/Lies

Down in the dumps a bit right now I think and was just going though a few of hubbys old posts on the forums that just seem to make me sad and wonder why he saying some things on the forums yet telling me other things.. this post for instance.. his intro on the forums

He said I "knew" he CDed.. at the time it was probably 2000 we were messing around one night just being silly and he put on some undergarments (wernt his) and i did his make up.. I just thought we were fooling around I had no clue then about CDing or that it even existed..yes I was young and dumb.. its around the time that he told me he was bisexual and I foolishly agreed to him experimenting with men.. hate myself now for that foolish mistake.. anyways which now I am reading this from his post..

"I have also been bisexual since an early age so that doesn't help she knows I've tried things with guys before but thinks it's in he past."

The key words there "THINKS its in the past".. and before that.. he wish he could live 24x7 as a woman saying he would be more happy as a woman.. is he a CD or is he on the line of a TG??? CD is the one that still want to be men right and not want to live 24x7 as a female??  *sigh*  Did no one on the forum even notice that part of his intro and not say something or did they not really care to.. ive seen others called out for it.. ive seen others called out for being bisexual and wanting relationships with men but they are married and seen others say once your married you need to be committed to your wife only and leave that in the past.. but I guess not on his post...

I dont think I can go on much with this anymore.  I have had sever urges to do self injury and have a couple times but i am trying so hard to stop that.  I cant even talk to hubby about anything he gets upset and we never talk.. he always tells me "oh i dont go on those forums anymore and I love you why dont you believe me why cant you trust me"  I even brought up the craigs list issue about the "gun" he supposedly went and met someone to look at (yeah ok..) but he never discusses it.. Why cant he just admit it to me and free me from this pain.  I told him to come clean about it or anything else that now is the time to do so but never.. he makes it so hes never in the wrong...

im the bad one.. im the one that cant be accepting of him that cant do anything right.. im the annoying one the one that doesn't deserve to be listened to..

I wish he saw the pain in my eyes and cared.. (After being together for 20yrs total you should be able to see that or sense it and want to make it all better.. or at least try right?)

I just want him to come clean.. I think if he came clean about everything no matter how much it hurt me I would be able to breath a bit better.. I would be able to think a bit clearer and it wouldn't consume my life daily.

I guess I am just overly tired from working such wacky early morning hours and not getting enough sleep and its making my head spin..Im scared.. and I cant tell him that cause he just gets upset with me.. im scared what hes going to end up doing when he has a day off when im not around..I love him.. the last thing in the world I want is to be away from him forever.