Finally!

Finally work has come my way!  Although I really don't want to jinx anything since I haven't  officially started yet but I am just to thrilled!

I got a job offer from Fred Meyers to be a cake decorator for them.  Although the first 2mo ill be just doing regular bakery stuff but after that I will be one of the decorators.  So I went in on Friday to hear the job offer and accept it.  They are going to start me out with the cake decorators pay since I will be transferring to that soon and less work for them etc.  Its a dollar less then I made at Sam's Club but I can live with that!  I took the drug test there and they are sending that off to the lab and they sent off my background check as well.  Since it falls into a holiday (4th of July) they said that it will take a bit longer for that stuff to come back but they hope its all back by the 8th cause that's when they signed me up for orientation.  So I am excited for that.

Onto other news...

Saturday my mom had planned a big spaghetti feed for the family.. my family, 3 brothers and their family, etc.. well hubby said we could go but then the day of he remembered he told a lady at work that we would go to her BBQ after he got off from work.. well..

He didn't get off from work until 6:30 then of course had to come home shower and change.. then we had to drive 20mi there.. and you know of course her BBQ started much earlier so by the time we got there everyone had ate, most of the food was gone and cold and well we knew no one there but her and they were all talking about stuff we had no clue about.. we all sat in her garage since it was raining (but it did stop like right when we got there).. the pulled pork she had made basically tasted like you were eating smoke.. i just really didn't enjoy myself or the food.. and i know the kids didn't either.. my kids are teens and all the other kids there were 8 or under so they just sat next to us the whole time.. time seemed to go by so slow.. i kept looking at my watch lol..

While I was sitting there I couldn't help but want to look at all the men's legs there (they were all wearing shorts).. and yep they all had leg hair.. *J* wasn't wearing shorts.. he doesn't really wear shorts in public and not sure he really would now that his legs are very hairless and shinny and white..then when I went up to my moms the next day I was noticing my brothers leg hair (he might as well be a bear with the leg hair he has.. and *J* doesn't even have 1/4 the leg hair my brother has..that is when *J* is not shaved).. lol yes I am not officially obsessed with leg hair.. probably cause my husband no longer has any and I miss it..

So 2 nights ago we got into a argument.. well kinda.. I was just down and he noticed but if I brought up any of my feelings to him he tells me that I always complain about him and make him at fault for everything or that i need to just stop bitching etc.. so when he asked what was wrong (AND WHY DOES HE ASK ITS NOT LIKE HES ACTUALLY GOING TO LISTEN AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A ADULT CONVERSATION....UGH!)   and of course to avoid being made to feel bad for what I am feeling inside I told him nothing i was just tired.. and of course he kept pushing cause he says he knows me and something is wrong.. but nope i kept telling him I was fine cause i know him and how he reacts to my feelings..

I just really don't know anymore.. don't know if I can do this forever or if I want this for the next 40+ years if we are blessed to live that long..  I want to be happy i really do.. I wish i could be the perfect wife and accept the things he does and not have it bother me but I cant and maybe I am selfish but part of me doesn't want to.. part of me wants to tell him that he lied about who he was so why should I be the one to make the sacrifice to change what I want in a person just to make our marriage better

Never before this had I ever given any thought to how manly men can be etc or that it was on my list of things I want in a man.. why cause that's what I expected most men to be like.. manly..  (and no i am not saying they cant have emotion.. i think men should feel ok to cry publicly etc..)  But now its like I'm missing that and its effecting how I feel...I am sorry if i want the norm.. or what most of society calls the norm.. when something comes into the relationship that was a lie for so long its like a mistress.. a unwanted guest.. it poisons the marriage.. and really if the person who held that secret for so long does nothing to help the marriage get back on track and just expects things to be fine that is like giving someone with a gunshot wound a simple band aid and saying here put this on it and you will be fine..



can someone please tell me if craigslist allows people to sell guns on their site..  I am not asking cause i want to buy a gun.. dislike guns and hubby's has some anyways lol.. I am asking cause in my mind I keep going back to when I was working before last November and I got a text from my husband saying "I will be the one in the DC hoodie by the elevators".. there was something else but that was the basic of it.. then like 2sec later i get another text by him saying "lol sorry i didn't mean to send that to you i am meeting someone from craigslist to look at a gun they were selling"  ... yet at that time we were broke so not sure why he would want to meet someone to look at a gun...

then as most know the next month is when I found out about his CDing and also found out about the naked pictures he put on yahoo with his yahoo name and all the guys on yahoo that would message him and talk about sexual things etc.. I want to make sure I am not being blind about something like that I don't want to be walked over if he is doing something like that behind my back.

I just want to trust him again and have that trust i use to have for him.. I always thought he was the one person I could trust that he never told me wrong...

I'm not happy even though I want to be happy with him.. hes been my life.. I just wish he appreciated me more or at least showed it if he does cause lately I feel like crap =/

I want...
to be hugged out of the blue
to be told I'm beautiful even when I am not looking my best
to be told how important I am
to have little things done for me every now and then
to have my feelings heard and not feel bad about feeling the way I do
to not have to worry
to have someone wipe my tears when I am sad
and mostly...
to be happy and feel like a priority to someone