Travels & Trust

I think I mentioned in a previous blog post that my husband will be doing some traveling for work about 5 days in Jan, Feb, March and April.  He will be going out of state and the company is putting him up in a hotel etc.  At first he thought another co-worker would be going with him but then found out they are going somewhere else.

It just makes me so nervous cause I just know that 99% sure he will dress in some way.  And I know before he had talked to people about a transformation service.  It hurts me.  Yet I cant tell him any of this cause he will just get mad at me that for one I don't trust him and second I just like to be bossy.  I wish he really just noticed how much this all deeply hurts me.. and that he would want to be my band aid and make sure I wasn't hurting.  But hes not my band aid.. seems like lately hes more like my knife.

How can I trust him.  Trust has been broken so many times and how can I just say "I will be OK and I will trust him to be truthful to me".. cause I have a big gut feeling that he will be in the big city with more options and will basically be in what others call "Pink Fog"

We got into a argument the other night and my feelings go hurt really bad.  I went to bed crying silently until around 130 when I finally passed out.  So I am not one that likes to do laundry.. I don't mind putting it in the washer and dryer.. but its the folding that I hate.. so in our bedroom was a pile that had collected.  And day after day he kept asking me when the room was going to get picked up cause he was sick of looking at it.  Well I work full time too and at a more labor intense job (well compared to his job) So every night of course I come home tired.  I don't even change out of my dang work clothes.. I come in sit on the couch for like 10mins to check my emails/FB and then work on getting dinner started and picking up the downstairs etc.  Then I go to pick him up from work and come home and finish dinner.  After dinner we usually watch a bit of TV then I end up passing out on the couch while hubby will play on his computer then he wakes me for bed.  I don't see why he couldn't work on it as well.  When he talks about "cleaning"  he always talks "we"... "we need to get this done..we need to clean this tomorrow" etc.. does it ever happen to be "we" doing it.. nope.. its actually me.. the only thing he has cleaned in our house since we moved here 17mo ago is his computer desk and the shelves next to his desk.. NOTHING else has he done in this house.. not even a load of laundry.. he has not lifted a finger to help me at all.. his thing is "the kids can clean this.. or that" but I'm sorry I'm a adult I'm not going to have them clean everything.. I wish he would pull his weight.. omg the other night he actually had to wash his own plate.. and well I heard about that... anyways back to our fight.. so he asked me "when is this going to get done"  I told him I didn't know.. and I didn't have a answer for him cause I wasn't sure if I would get to it tomorrow or on my day off etc.. his reply to me "well im not going to bed until you give me a answer"  I replied with telling him I am not sure and I am not going to make a promise to him and not end up getting it done.  so then he decided to reply to me "You just fucking nasty.  You have been a nasty person since I met you"  I was deeply hurt and I know I probably shouldn't have said anything in backlash but I did.  I told him "Well your a jerk of a husband who doesn't do anything to help me".. then we went to bed.. me crying and him snoring within 5mins.

So the next day after work.  I didn't sit on the couch to rest.. I didn't do anything but go straight upstairs and clean the room.  When I picked him up from work I was still in my own work clothes.  when he asked why I was still wearing my work clothes I told him because I was cleaning the room.. his reply... "well I didn't mean you needed to come home and do it.. I thought we could work on it together on our days off"... Yeah right.. try and be sweet now.. he ALWAYS does this.. he gets so mad and angry at me and says hurtful things that make me cry then when I do what he wants me to do he gets all lovey and tells me the total opposite.  *sigh*

Well my grandma left this morning.  She invited us for for dinner last night.  I knew my husband wouldn't want to go cause a few days earlier he was complaining and said its been too much family lately.  So I made up a excuse of why my husband couldn't go.  It hurt me BUT I acted like it didn't when I interacted with him.  But in my mind I want to give him a taste of his own medicine and pull that BS on him when we visit his family again.. and tell him to go without me cause I just want to sit around and play games and BS while he goes and says goodbye to family.  My grandma told me to tell him that she was sorry he had to work that night (which he didn't).. and that she loved him and would see him next time.. when I told him this his reply "OK".. I really wanted him to say "You know I was wrong I should of went up with you cause it was important to you and since you support me so much I want to support you too."  But that's just my "dream" reply.. he will never act like that or talk like that.

I'm starting to realize more and more just how much he really never lifts me up.  Only when its convent for him.  When I am down and hurting when he has caused that pain he rarely will comfort me.  Maybe I just am expecting too much...