Raining on my face

I am trying to remember a happy time in my life.  That time would have to be before my grandfather passed away.  He was the center of my life and we did so much together.

I try to view my husband over the years as the center of my life but I don't feel it quite as much.  Maybe because I know I am not the center of his life.  I know that its hard for him to drop things for me without complaining.  I want someone who will say "I need to do this for my wife.. shes my everything" and then do something special for me or plan something special.  Or take the time to listen to me.

Listen..

That's something that doesn't happen very often around here.  I think if he would look and listen to me more he would see things that he hasn't noticed and should notice.  Those things might not make him happy but they are important.

There are many times and probably more then once a week where I get to a point where I wish I was extremely ill and dying.  Now any normal person probably wouldn't think that and I am very childish I know for my reasons behind it... but its me...  If I were very ill and dying I would think that my husband would be right next to me taking care of me.  I want someone so bad to take care of me and my needs.  To put me before themselves... I want to feel important.. I want to know what I feel inside me is important and not dumb...And I feel that unless I am really injured badly and or sick majorly that I wont get it.. I haven't yet after 20yrs why should I think it would just magically happen over night.

There are times when like above I just want to die.  I don't think I would ever have the courage to take my own life.  But I must be truthful and say that it does cross my mind of different ways it could happen.  I wonder if he would regret anything or if he would be sad and miss me at all.. would he then notice everything I do for him and how each day I do things and try to make him happy..

Ive given little hints to him here and there but his reply is "don't talk like that I don't like it"..I don't know if he really knows how real this pain is inside me..

He knows I use to write in a diary and one time that I know of he read it.. he wasn't to happy cause he said i just blame him for everything and make him look like the big bad wolf or something..

I don't try to do that.. I swear I love my husband if I didn't I wouldn't want so much from him emotionally for our marriage.. I wouldn't care what he did if I didn't love him so much..