Sometimes I think WHY?

Sometimes I don't get it.  I think to myself  -  If this hurts me so much WHY does he WANT to keep doing it.  I could tell if he DIDN'T want to CD and that's not the case.. I can tell in him he really wants to be fem and wants to CD.  But I cant help but think WHY

Over our years of being together.  20yrs now I have given SO much up of who I am to raise our kids and be with him and make him happy.. WHY cant he ever do the same for me.  yes he will throw in the argument that he was in the military for 15yrs.  But I NEVER forced him to stay.  If I did then by choice I would still have him be in the military cause all the benefits helped us out so much.  But I am not talking about working.  We all must do that as adults to live in this world.

I was 15 when I had our first child.  I had to give up and grow up really fast to be a mother.  I missed out on so many things.. things I will never get back but I don't want them anymore.  I would never trade them for my children.

I would stay at home with our child(ren) so he could go out with his friends over and over again.  I felt so alone.  I followed him across the US and to other countries cause I love him and his job made him move so much.  I took care of everyone and him included before I even thought about what I needed..

I don't get that from him.  Maybe YEARS ago when we were kids and still dating before children.  He would do little things to make me smile every now and then.  Now I really don't get much from him but he takes a lot from me.  At times I feel so worn down and I am still doing things for him to make him happy..

I have to have faith that in the future he will want to make me happy and will find out what does make me happy..

I read a few posts on the CD forums today that made me smile.. not cause they were posted by my husband (My husband would never give up stuff like that for me completely cause its too important to him from what I can tell in the past 5mo since it all came out).. but because these men on the CD forums posted about how they love their wives and they cherish their marriage so much they were not doing certain things that were not "important" to them that their wives were SO much more important..

So where do I fall on his priority list.. I just know the kids and I arnt at the top or things might be a little different.

He asked me today if I was happy.. I cant even look him in the eye and tell him I'm not.. that I have a lot of pain inside.. WHY.. cause I don't want to hurt him... So i will let myself suffer it seems just to make sure my husband doesn't...