Whats up with me today??

Ok whats up with all the worry with me today.  I don't like living like this.  I wish for once I could just live in my dreams when I am sleeping.  I am much more happier there and I am not afraid.  (Well if they are good dreams of course lol)

So there is a new "girl" on the forums from the same area that my husband and I are from that works in town here.. and I saw yet another when I was just looking over their profile.  The one suggested "Oh we should get one anothers emails" or something to the fact of their 3 emails.  So do I need to stress about this?  probably crazy but I am a very insecure wife who has doubts in her marriage and has trouble trusting her husband with things like this.  Who does not like that he does this but silently lets him do it cause I don't want to be without him.

What if this turns into meeting them which would have to be behind my back cause I think he knows I would not like the idea in the first place.

It takes it WAY to face.. the CD thing when its brought outside of behind our closed doors.. makes it a different perspective all together.  Others in town know.. there will be a select few out there who you could possibly pass by on the street and they would glance and know who you are and what you do.. they would know your families secret..

I don't want that.. don't want that at all.. I do think if it ever came down to that and he did and I did find out that I would have to tell him that makes me uncomfortable and I want nothing to do with him or the CDing..

Lets say he replies with "oh well they are meeting me not you"

Well hmm.. I go out with you in public so eventually they would connect me with you

I think if he did that would be my cue to run and to never look back.. run from someone who only can think of themselves and what they want.. not what this marriage needs.

I don't even enjoy the fact that they would be emailing.  maybe cause i know my husband and his past online life that he tried to hide from me.. i am very uncomfortable with it.  I'm uncomfortable with what these people would put into his head because I am not 100% accepting.. I'm not sure if I'm even 5% accepting or I am just tolerating it and hoping that one day he will wake up and see the sadness on my face from all of this he has put me through and realise "what have I done.. I never want her to be sad"

But that's just a dream.. It wont ever get there he will never realize how much I am hurting and how good I am at putting the pain deep inside.