Happy Holidays!

So I am starting out this blog post with some cupcakes that I made at work.  Just to kick off this holiday post.  Luckily these cupcakes you wont gain any weight with hehe =)

Ok so to update everyone.  Things are still the same with my husband and I.  But I really didn't think things would be different.  I feel sad inside but I try to be "happy" on the outside.

My mom gave me a surprise.  A few days before Christmas she told me she was going to be stopping by my work cause she had something to give me.  So I said ok.. well I was working on a few things for the pastry case and I happened to look up and my grandma was standing right there.  I was so shocked and confused cause my grandma lives in another state and I was no expecting her for Christmas lol.  But it was a awesome surprise.  She will be staying here until Jan 4th.

we had Christmas at my moms house.  The kids all opened their presents.  My husband and I decided this year that we would just buy for the kids and not get gifts for one another.  We were very tight on money anyways so it worked out good.  I got his a video game that he wanted a few days earlier but told him it was not a "Christmas present"  lol

I don't think he has been dressing or under dressing lately.  But then again he hid things from me for 20yrs so who really knows.  its just a feeling I have inside and usually I can tell lately when hes hiding something.  He did have his toes painted not long ago but then after a few days took off the polish.  I felt better inside when I knew it was off.

I'm still sad though I still wish that things were different. Things take time I guess.  I do hope we can work through things.  This man I married is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Which is why I am trying so dang hard all the time no matter how much it hurts me inside...

Sadness

I feel overly sad lately and I feel selfish for feeling this way.  I feel like I have lost what I truly believed in and was working so hard for, my marriage.

I don't tell my husband how I feel cause I know him all to well and I know he will be upset with me or tell me that its always about my feelings.  I don't know how to express to him how hurt I really am deep down inside and that I am not sure if I can live my life forever with this new chapter in our lives, the CDing.  The very thought of him even wearing anything that is female from the smallest of things like the panties or nail polish (even the freakin clear polish now bothers me cause its a reminder to me.. i hate myself for it I hate myself that I cant just look past it and get over it.)  All of it is a constant reminder to me.  I have so much pain locked inside my heart.  Who knows what its really doing to my health at the moment.  

He is all I've known.. hes my everything.  I cant just leave.  I would have wasted 20yrs of my life if I was just to leave to try and make myself happy again.  My world would turn upside down.  For starters I wouldn't even be able to support myself let alone my 3 children.  I hardly make enough in my line of work.  My checks basically cover us from his check in between.  They don't pay major bills.

But I DON'T want it to be over.  I always pictured us growing old together.  But I am scared.. scared that I am losing myself so that he can have a bit of himself.. He does not fully dress daily.. from what I know he only has some stockings left since he decided to throw away all his panties cause I told him if he was going to wear them he could wash them.  So he just threw them out.  He said he threw out other things like shoes and stuff but I don't believe that.  They are probably hidden somewhere in the house.  (Even though we agreed that at the time I was not ready for shoes either) And I am sure there is more stuff hidden.

I wanted to cry the other day when we were at the store and we passed the nail polish remover and he says "I think your daughter has hijacked the remover so we need to get more" ... well I don't use it..so he must need it.. but not sure why he needs it for clear polish which is what we agreed to in the past.. so I assume he has other colors hidden in the house.. but just that moment I wanted to just crawl into a hole and never come out.

I cried today for myself.. I hate crying over myself.. it makes me feel so selfish.  But I couldn't hold it in.  I was typing a PM to someone on the CD forums and the topic of my grandpa came up.  I looked up at his picture on the wall and just wish he was here to protect me and comfort me.  I don't feel like I have anyone around me to protect me to keep me save and make sure I am happy.  its not like I can tell someone in my family about this for them to give me a hug and support.  I am alone.  I cant talk to my husband about it cause well in his words "this is who I am you will just have to deal with it".. where is that someone that will protect me and want to see me happy?  

Just a bunch of negative crap has been going through my head today.  I just cant get out of this funk.  I was in the car driving and then started crying remembering a few months ago (probably in feb or march) when my husband and I got into a argument.. I believe it was cause I wouldn't help him find something at the time cause I was busy and he looked straight at me and said to me "why don't you just die"... how can you say that to someone you are suppose to love and cherish?  Even if I was completely angry with him (which I have been lots of times)  I would never wish him to die.  That phrase he said to me haunts me often.

I just wish this CDing thing would go away.  yes I know its not that easy or maybe not even possible.  although I have gotten a few PMs lately on the CD forums telling me stopping isn't impossible but you have to actually have to have the strong desire to want to stop and keep on the path.  I wish he would stop.  I would give anything if he would just stop.  I never tell him that and I never would.

I want to be important to him.  I want him to think of me as a big priority in his life.  I feel that I'm not.  I feel he doesn't treat me as one.  At times yes but often no.

We will have the same days off soon.  I think that will help me a bit with the stress I have on his days off.  I m scared to even come home unannounced cause of the last time I interrupted him and got yelled at for it.  Its my house too yet I feel like a guest who has to say "is it ok if I come home today?'

I work outside the house in a job where I am on my feet the whole time and heavy lifting as well as running around the store.  I enjoy my job.  Going there is kinda like a breath of fresh air.  My co-workers are nice and we all chat and get along well.  Then I come home have to make dinner and deal with children and a husband too.  I'm pretty lucky that my kids help me out most days.  but its wearing me down.  its not like I am a stay at home mom anymore with all the time on my hands.. I work then come home and work some more.  I wish it would get noticed.

I am sorry but I am not attracted to my husband at all when I think about his Cding.  its a BIG turn off for me. And kinda makes me sick inside.  its just not my thing.  Sure there are women out there who like that but that's not me.  it makes me sad.  I wish he could see my sadness or if he does I wish he would be the one to wipe these tears away and give me comfort.

He will be going to training for his work probably in January to another state.  I'm scared..Trying to trust him but its been bruised.. and I'm so scared....

I feel alone here in my life...

Trying to find peace

Today is my day off.  The days almost over with but its been kinda sluggish for some reason.  Maybe I have been trying to search myself.  I feel that I have so much emotion inside of me that some is buried so deep that I cant find it anymore.

I want to feel peace inside myself and try to be happy with who I am and my life.  So many things I wish I could of changed but I guess that things happen for a reason and that without going through those things in my life that I wouldn't be who I am today (don't know if that's any good) or where I am today (again questionable).. But possibly if I would not have gone though what I have been through I might not of had the beautiful children that I do have now.

My oldest is 17 and will be 18 this coming March.  I was just a baby when I had him too.. I was 15.  I know I made so many mistakes with him.  Things I wish I could take back now and change to be a better mother.  But I cant and that hurts deeply.  He will be leaving home after next school year and  I think I will be upset when that does happen.  Hes a good kid and like the usual teen he thinks he knows everything.  But I know he loves me and I hope that in his adult life he will learn to make good choices and will learn from what he has seen in the past of what not to do.  I think I have raised him right on how to treat a woman.  And I do hope he keeps that with him for the rest of his life.  I hope he has learned that women need to cry sometimes and need a strong man there as their rock as a shoulder just to cry on.  

My 2nd child will be 15 this coming February.  I take him to be a big mommas boy even though he LOVES to argue with me.  But at the same time he is very caring towards me and does not like to see me hurt or upset.  Its not something he should of witnessed in his life but he has.  The last really large argument his dad and I had he walked in on.  After he was so upset with his dad he did not even want to come down for dinner yet he asked if I was ok.  He loves to help me out and this past mothers day and my birthday he was the one who made me breakfast and dinner (while my husband did as he usually does and sat on his computer and I guess expected me to do all that).. He looks after his mother.. not a job he should have but without him and his brother I would feel lost.  They are both great boys.  Both of them get A's and B's in school.. his older brother well its harder but ever since we got the 15yo help he is so proud to bring home his report card.

My youngest is my daughter who will be 13 this month (eek!)  Shes quite the drama queen and even so more now that she has taken that important step into womanhood (she would kill me if she knew I even said anything to anyone about it lol).. While she is a big daddy's girl she always tells me to smile or asks me if I am ok when I am not smiling.  We do butt heads quite often but without her my house would be to quiet for sure!  She is a chatterbox to the extreme.  When she was just little like 3 or 4 we would tell her "i'll give you a quarter if you can be quiet for 15mins".. lets just say she never got that quarter lol.

Those are the 3 most important things in my life and a lot of times they are the reason I am still here and not in heaven with my loved ones I miss.  When I am down a lot of times I will think about them and how they would miss me so much if something ever happened to me.  They get me through it all and they have no clue that they do.

I would like to move forward in my life I feel like I am stuck.  This pain paralyzes me and I just want to be able to vent it all out without being told that I am being bitchy or that they dont want to hear it.. I just want them to see the pain in my eyes..Sure he can tell when something is bugging me but I cant tell him all of it or even the truth cause I know exactly where that conversation will lead I've been there.  

I pray sometimes for God to just show him whats in my heart and all my pain so that he would want to understand.  I hope that prayer gets answered cause right now there is no other way.  I would love to slap him (sorry not the abuse type lol) and tell him wake up im hurting and I just need you.  I'm scared that when all the kids leave that there will be no more reason for me to stick around in this pain.  Thats only 5-6yrs away.. I want him to give me reason to not feel that way.

He leaves on Saturday for 2 weeks to go play army in Iowa (TG I don't have to worry about any dressing or meeting up with people there..).. Im going to do a lot of soul searching then and hopefully find a therapist to talk to.. Im not good with therapists.. I went to a few since we were military we had moved and I would have to find a new one or the therapist would get stationed somewhere else and I would have to get a new one.. Im not good opening up to strangers.. it takes me a bit to start to feel comfortable with telling them things in my life.. and will I have the courage this time to tell them about his CDing?  I am going to have to.. so i can start healing.

Anyways dinner wont cook itself so this is my time to go..

"Beautiful" By *Bethany Dillon*

"Beautiful" *Bethany Dillon*

I was so unique 
Now I feel skin deep 
I count on the make-up to cover it all 
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention 
I thought I could be strong 
But it's killing me 

Does someone hear my cry? 
I'm dying for new life 

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful 
Make you stand in awe 
Look inside my heart, 
and be amazed 
I want to hear you say 
Who I am is quite enough 
Just want to be worthy of love 
And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me 
Fighting to make the mirror happy 
Trying to find whatever is missing 
Won't you help me back to glory 

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful 
You make me stand in awe 
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed 
I love to hear You say 
Who I am is quite enough 
You make me worthy of love and beautiful 

Get it right

This has turned into my favorite song lately.. Get it Right.. by Glee (love that show btw)

What have I done? I wish I could run. 
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/glee-cast-lyrics/get-it-right-lyrics.html -]
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
Oh my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight.

Struggles

Let me start from the beginning of yesterday.

My husband had yesterday off from work and I worked until 4pm.  He texted me around 10am just telling me he loves me and to text him when I'm on break or lunch. So I ended up taking my lunch at 11:30.  I decided to bring him home something nice to eat so i stopped and picked us up something.  I get home unlock the door and all of a sudden hear the bathroom door close and him yell out "I'm using the bathroom"  so I thought "ok".. I looked at the ground by his computer and he had taken all the CD disks out from the little cubby area from his desk which also has a door on it.  I thought that was weird but ok.. So I sit down and eat then he comes out looks at the food and only grabs the drink and goes back to his computer and says "oh I was just cleaning up under here"  but leaves the stuff out on the floor and does stuff on his computer.  Still not eating his lunch I brought home nor did he say thank you.  he then turns to me.. "did you get my text"  I told him I did earlier yes.  he asked me then "Why did you not text back and tell me you were coming home?"  I replied with that I was not sure why I had to tell him when I was coming home.. to "our" house.. he looks at me and says "whatever"  so I know something is up.. plus while he was supposedly using the bathroom I heard a lot of russeling around.  

I finished my lunch.. held the puppies for a bit and asked if he was going to eat what I brought home for him.. he said yeah in a bit.  I said ok then got up to use the bathroom.. used the bathroom then decided to look under the sink.. that's when I found under the towel trying to be hidden (since I came home and startled him).. his "girl" items..the hiding again the secrets.. its slowly killing me inside..

So I came out and told him "yeah I need to go" with tears in my eyes.. he got pissed and said "whatever".. I turned around and said "why.. why do you have to hide things from me I'm not dumb and this hurts me"  He said I only see things my way...

MY WAY???  umm if I only saw things MY way i would tell him that I am done unless he stops.. I would not have been fighting for us and trying my best..  I told him hiding is just the same as lying and keeping secrets.. that I was hurt... that if I didn't come back right away from work that i was fine..

I went to the truck cried a bit before I left then drove to work.. he texted me saying he wont bring any of it into the house again that i can believe him (I don't anymore and it saddens me to say I cant believe my husband).. he said he threw it all away.. which I doubt..

So I wrote him a email.. I told him in that email that ever since I found out almost a year ago he has been trying to stretch the limits we both agreed on.  What I agreed on at that time that i could deal with was the underwear, tights and sometimes the clear polish on his toes if he must have that.. ever since that first pedicure we had together and he tested that boundary with getting french tips on his toes and I was very sad over it he got pissed at me for being upset.  Ever since then he has started to hide things and just do whatever behind my back.  

AND he THINKS that I cant tell or don't notice.. I told him I have been with him since I was a CHILD.. I can just about read him like a book when something isn't right.  I told him I know you have been hiding things for months.. that's WHY I told him MONTHS and MONTHS ago that I would not wash his woman clothing.  If he cant have respect for me with being truthful and respecting our boundaries then I don't want to wash his stuff.  

So he texted me again at work saying he got my email and that he was sorry for fighting and he will get rid of it all BUT the things we originally agreed on last December.  then he goes on to say "do you think that I could get some shoes.. meet in the middle.. maybe something not so girly but something he could wear"  so hes still trying to push it..

I told him as far as the shoes I am not comfortable with that just yet.. just like in the past I was not.  you have not given me time to heal through this process of finding out.  I am still very deeply hurt.  I don't see why if its just clothes that you enjoy wearing why you have to have a wig make up and shoes unless you plan to go out somewhere.. why is all that necessary.

and I have been thinking today.. I think if it was JUST CLOTHES like he liked to wear undies or just tights every now and then under his clothes that I would more more ok and more accepting.  but I know its not and I know for him its deeper then that and deeper then he will confess to me to.. hes said it on the forums before if he could live 24x7 as a WOMAN he would.. BUT he stated that he has kids and a wife so that isn't going to happen..

CDing his actions online since i have trust issues about that and I'm scared hes gonna go back to that again..  

I am still so HURT that he spent his extra money on shoes our anniversary week.. and I had to give him money from my bank card so he could buy me a card.  I want to be FIRST in his life not come in second to this CDing.  

I told him.. He is the first thing I ever think of.. when at home with cleaning cooking etc.. buying things.. etc.. i never well RARELY just go buy something for myself.. its ALWAYS "hmm I wonder what I could get *j*  he would really like this" .. DOES HE STOP AND THINK WHEN HE GOES AND BUYS HIS CD ITEMS.. "maybe I should get my wife something special for being so good to me"  No.. its always about him.

I posted on the forums a bit on my situation a little bit ago.. I got some great replies.. I don't know if he has read them.. I wish he would.. even other CDers saw my pain and made some great suggestions.. I wish one would just take him under their wing and talk to him.. to let him know that I'm not trying to be the bad guy that this is hard for me too and that helping me through it would be a good thing..  my other fantasy is for him just to try and stop.. even if its for periods at a time..where he doesn't do any of it but then maybe like a year later needs to wear a pair of panties.. but that I know isn't possible

It seems too that ever since he joined the forums last year he has become more in a pink fog and more of saying to me "this is who I am you cant change me and if you don't like it then there is the door"  there is not really ever a compromise with him.. since he joined the forums he tells me I cant stop this and you putting limits on me doesn't help..yet looking back he was never this extreme even though I didn't know at the time I just think back to past behaviors and he never did laundry anyways so I would of found things in the laundry or when I cleaned up etc..  

So part of me kinda dislikes the forums because there are a lot of people on there who seem to be close minded especially to those who come in and say they really would like to just stop.. but all those replies end up being "you cant don't even try" etc.. I know of a few who have stopped for the ones they love.. i know its not easy.. but you would think that if you love someone SO deeply that you would do anything in your power to make them happy... that is what I am doing.. I am trying SO hard to be accepting at least of some right now so that he is happy.. am I happy about having to do this NO.. would I like it if he would just say "baby I know how much this hurts you and how much I have hurt you by not telling you.. I am going to try and stop.. it will be a slow and hard battle but I want to do this for you"  yes of course I would love that.. but that's not what I'm going to get..

So I will keep on giving and giving of myself.. hopefully that I will get back something from him in return.. that's what I am missing I think.. I just feel myself giving and him just taking from me.  (btw his 2 days off.. no house chores done no dinner made.. i came home and did everything then when I fell asleep on the couch I get woken up "your sleeping why do you do nothing but sleep?"  and I explain to him cause I have to come home and do everything he gets pissy.)

Ive had a really hard time lately with myself.  Ive had more suicidal thoughts in my head.  Really I am scared one day I might act.  My mind tells me I wont but what if I hit a breaking point?  He doesn't notice how much I'm hurting inside and he really doesn't see the extent to m wishing I was dead.  I pray at night to God to just take me.. let me be with my grandpa.. let me just be happy and comforted cause my life is hurting me.  But so far I guess God still wants me here.  Its probably awful for me to say but there are times I go to the Dr and I wish they would find something... there is history of cancer in my family.. and I was told my esophagus has a higher chance of getting cancer cause of its condition.. I know its awful to say and someone really shouldn't wish for that.. but maybe if I was terminally sick that he would care more or at least show it more.. i know he cares about me but the showing part is hard for him..and yes that's childish for me to say too but deep down its how I feel most of the time and I just needed to let that out.

I am so much more happy when at work (a least the days that *j* also works)  I laugh and have a good time.. when at home it never ends up that way.  I want to be that way but I am so torn down there is nothing but hurt.

I am going to try to go to the DR while he is at drill in Iowa for 2 weeks in November.  and I am going to see if our insurance will cover me going to talk to someone.  I need to feel that I am not crazy or dumb for having these feelings.. actually for having any feelings at all.  Then hopefully they can get me on some kind of meds.  Ive been trying ever so hard not to self injure.. it really is a struggle just like CDing in a sense.. and I have been good.. but having thoes emotions of worthlessness just inside are making my health worse and keeping it all bottled up.  With the self injury it helped me feel like it was in a sense released.  

I need to start writing more on my blog to let things out.  I just get so busy and tired and depressed I tend to forget until something big arises.

My hopes:

that I can trust my husband again

that I can become more comfortable

that he could tone it down and not have to do CDing every day off

that he can be more open with me

that he would comfort me a bit more

that he can find someone on the forums that he would actually listen to cause he thinks everything I say is just cause of PMS or something

Sorry for such a long post.. I just needed to get it all out there.

Im tired...

Tired of not being able to have a convo with him without him getting so defensive and making me feel like its wrong for me to feel the way I feel.. so i hold everything in..

his legs are shaved again..i hate it.. it makes my skin crawl..i dont want him near me.. he asks me whats wrong.. i lie and say nothing im just tired.. i cant talk to him about it cause he gets mad and says I take everything away from him

"I take everything away from him.."

What has he taken from me..I am giving up everything I loved about him everything i loved about a relationship between us everything i thought a man was.. to this crap... so i can hide it all deep inside so he can be happier.. and i can slowly die.. and pray to god every night that he just take me in my sleep..

i hate myself...

I started crying

I started crying on my way home from work today. In the middle I whispered "I just want a man". I don't want a man that wants to play dress up every now and then. I don't want a man who shaves his legs and they reflect the light like a barbie doll. I don't want a man who likes to loon at other men too.

I want a hairy man with scruff all over. A man that I can cuddle next to and call him my Teddy bear. I want a man who wants to make me happy like I want to make my man happy. A man who will do anything to make me happy just like Ive sacrificed to make him happy. I want a man who will put me on a pedestal and be satisfied with just me. I want a man who wears men's underwear and men's clothes. (I think men's boxer briefs are so friggen sexy).

I guess u can say I just want a man...

I caught myself today looking at men's legs. The hair. Out if the tons of men I looked at not a single one had shaved shinny legs. And I saw over 100 pairs of legs today. I look at men more now then I use to. Noticing things seeing them as attractive. I didn't before all this....before all this I was satisfied...

I wanna just throw in the towel

I really don't know how long I can go on in my relationship. Inside it's just killing me. Why didn't he say something to me before we got married. Sure they say it's hard for a cd person to reveal such info but omg he took me as his wife he devoted his love to me. And he didn't love me enough to tell me before so I could deciede if I want to live with this my whole life??? Its slowly killing our relationship. I don't know if I want to stay anymore. But I feel stuck. I can't support my 3 children on what I make at work let alone I couldn't support myself So I'm stuck. Stuck in a marriage I don't want to be in. A marriage where I married someone I didn't even really know. Ha ha jokes on me we decided NOT to give you prince charming BUT instead give you princess charming.

I want out. If my husband knew how unhappy I was he would twist it all around so it's my fault and he's the angel and I'm just the one who complains about everything.

Deep in my heart I wish he would stop. I wish that he would wake up one morning and say "you know thus hurts my wife the woman I love. She never asked for this". But yeah we all know the classic line that it's impossible to stop or don't make a cd choose. Well you know what you are making the wife choose between being happy or having to deal with this the rest I'd her life.

It's been awhile

Its been a long time again and I apologize.  Work has really got me "working"  My 'normal' days I get up at 4am clock into work by 5am and work until 2pm.  This last week a 1/2 I have worked 9 days straight.  I finally got a day off yesterday and today.  Thank God!!

I like my job pretty well.  Although I wish I was decorating already.  But not yet... And come to find out there is one girl who is there working who is slotted as a cake decorator as well  (but I have been told she isn't great at all)  So she could pull seniority on me and take it before I get a chance.  Its union so she would be able to do that *sigh*  I really hope not.  I miss the decorating part the creative side.  I am a very creative person and wrapping bread all day or packaging stuff and stocking tables does not feed that need to be creative.  Granted I did do a wedding cake on the July 31st which turned out awesome I think and I did a short notice for my sister in laws bday cake which my mom requested.  But still I want to do more.

We went to the fair yesterday.  It was canned food day.  Bring 4 cans of food and get in for only 2$ (8$ savings)  Had a pretty good time although like usual after a bit hubby starts to get impatient and then things just arnt as "fun"  they were fun but I could tell the kids get kinda stressed when he tries to rush them or he doest view things from their eyes.  Hes better though then he use to be.  I was thinking after we left how awesome it would be to have a cupcake booth at the fair but I am pretty sure just to get the space needed it would be pretty spendy!  One can dream!

So things are "ok" on the home front right now.. well at least until the next full moon lol .. although I still cook and clean on his days off (my working days) I wish that would change.  I come home so tired then he acts like I shouldn't be tired when I start to pass out at 9pm watching our shows.. "*k* wake up why the hell do you keep falling asleep?"  Ive talked to him about it and explained that I get up at 4am im tired i work all day in a freezer lifting heavy boxes and crates and walking across the store etc.. i don't get to be in dress clothes and a tie in a office setting walking 2 feet every now and then to help someone.  She he apologizes but it only lasts for that day and the following week when I am exhausted again I must explain that to him again.  Sometimes it turns out good and a few times it has turned out bad our convo.. and him ending up saying that I am being bitchy or moody and he is tired of dealing with me.. but more often he will listen lately.

When I forgot to make the Internet payment and it got shut off the other day and I had to pay it (my mind hasn't been together since ive been so tired... going to bed at midnight/1am and getting up at 4am isnt good) he actually didn't yell at me about it.. usually in the past he always had.. it made me feel good =)

Well I must go to the store and gather the stuff I need for dinner tonight.. on tonight's menu French toast and bacon =)

Truth/Lies

Down in the dumps a bit right now I think and was just going though a few of hubbys old posts on the forums that just seem to make me sad and wonder why he saying some things on the forums yet telling me other things.. this post for instance.. his intro on the forums

He said I "knew" he CDed.. at the time it was probably 2000 we were messing around one night just being silly and he put on some undergarments (wernt his) and i did his make up.. I just thought we were fooling around I had no clue then about CDing or that it even existed..yes I was young and dumb.. its around the time that he told me he was bisexual and I foolishly agreed to him experimenting with men.. hate myself now for that foolish mistake.. anyways which now I am reading this from his post..

"I have also been bisexual since an early age so that doesn't help she knows I've tried things with guys before but thinks it's in he past."

The key words there "THINKS its in the past".. and before that.. he wish he could live 24x7 as a woman saying he would be more happy as a woman.. is he a CD or is he on the line of a TG??? CD is the one that still want to be men right and not want to live 24x7 as a female??  *sigh*  Did no one on the forum even notice that part of his intro and not say something or did they not really care to.. ive seen others called out for it.. ive seen others called out for being bisexual and wanting relationships with men but they are married and seen others say once your married you need to be committed to your wife only and leave that in the past.. but I guess not on his post...

I dont think I can go on much with this anymore.  I have had sever urges to do self injury and have a couple times but i am trying so hard to stop that.  I cant even talk to hubby about anything he gets upset and we never talk.. he always tells me "oh i dont go on those forums anymore and I love you why dont you believe me why cant you trust me"  I even brought up the craigs list issue about the "gun" he supposedly went and met someone to look at (yeah ok..) but he never discusses it.. Why cant he just admit it to me and free me from this pain.  I told him to come clean about it or anything else that now is the time to do so but never.. he makes it so hes never in the wrong...

im the bad one.. im the one that cant be accepting of him that cant do anything right.. im the annoying one the one that doesn't deserve to be listened to..

I wish he saw the pain in my eyes and cared.. (After being together for 20yrs total you should be able to see that or sense it and want to make it all better.. or at least try right?)

I just want him to come clean.. I think if he came clean about everything no matter how much it hurt me I would be able to breath a bit better.. I would be able to think a bit clearer and it wouldn't consume my life daily.

I guess I am just overly tired from working such wacky early morning hours and not getting enough sleep and its making my head spin..Im scared.. and I cant tell him that cause he just gets upset with me.. im scared what hes going to end up doing when he has a day off when im not around..I love him.. the last thing in the world I want is to be away from him forever.

Odds & Ends #3

Here are a few more odds and ends that I have saved up and just wanted to post here before I lost them
-------------------------------


The one person in the world i would go to if i was sad, is the one who's making me cry.


All I've ever wanted was that "happy ever after". Why does it always slip away? Whats so wrong with me?


I've gotten so good at hiding the pain that even I don't know what I'm feeling anymore.


Being sad doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you've been strong for far too long.


Live the life I've led.. See what I see; Hear what I hear; Feel what I feel.. THEN maybe you will understand why I do what I do.. Until then, do not judge me.

Moody Females?

I have been told for the past 3 weeks or so over and over that I have been mean and bitchy and moody with no reason to be.  So when I get replies from him for any kind of convo its "go away I don't want o be around you"  or "your starting to piss me off"  or "the only thing you do lately is irritate me"  At least that's what I hear from him but he says it in a mean tone then I get upset and end up going upstairs and crying for a bit to let out my frustration.

Ok please understand this...

If everyday for the life of your relationship you do not do something for your wife but you sit on your damn ass and say
"I'm hungry what is there to eat"
"I'm thirsty what is there to drink"
"could you make me coffee" (I don't even drink coffee btw)..
"do we have a blanket I'm cold"
"here throw this away for me"  (trash is on the other side of his shelves by his desk where he is sitting.. he could reach around...)
"can you bring me my shoes"
"whats for dinner?.. eww why are we having that i guess ill eat it unless you want to make me something else"

and the list goes on but those are the major ones.. the ones where he should be a BIG BOY and do them himself and not call upon his wife EVERY TIME.. its not once in awhile this is what happens DAILY!

Now that I am working on his days off I am still expected to do this crap and make dinner while he sits on his ass all day on the computer then I get home and he asks "I'm starving whats for dinner.. i didn't feel like getting up and making lunch so I haven't eaten all day"  (YES this has happened it happened last time I was working.. if he doesn't have something "ready to eat"  then he wont get up and make himself ANYTHING)

So my first few days at my new job I came home and my feet were killing me.  The Dr told me in the past I stand on my feet a bit different (put my weight differently) then others cause I am missing a couple bones in a couple toes.. (I know sounds strange to me too lol)  So since I have been out of work for like 4mo my feet were really killing me to the point I was limping and holding back tears cause of the pain.  Yet do you thinking he actually helped me or took care of me or did stuff for me..... .... ... .. Nope.. I was still expected to do everything for him still and the sad part about it was "whats your problem you have only been working for 2 days and you are already in pain and complaining".. yep that's the reply I got.. then in bed "I don't know why you have been so pissy ever since you got this job and even before then you have been pissy to me for weeks now"

OMG I AM TIRED OK.. I am TIRED of having to take care of you like you are a little CHILD..  maybe I WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF... is that to hard to ask of you..for once think of me before yourself cause that's ALL I do with you.. I think of YOU first and put me last.. why do you think my health is so bad.. Dr suggests ."oh you need to have less stress in your life and get some breathing time"  (Yeah ok right... he doesn't know my husband)

Ive always told *J* that I would die before him and really I think I do.. once in awhile I'll pass by a comment like "god just shoot me now with your gun" or something to that matter on me and death.. "don't say that crap" is his reply..

He doesn't know though.. He has no clue nor does anyone else how much pain I have inside.  He doesn't know and no one else (well until now and whoever is reading this)  how many times I have prayed over and over just to die or how often I wished I was dead. and this isn't a joke type comment this is fully.. pain coming from my heart type of wishing.  At least once a week I question God on why I am still alive and how I wish I was dying or dead...  dying would be nice then maybe just MAYBE then *J* would care for me for a short while.  I know it probably sounds sick but he brings me to a point where I feel I am never good enough I am not allowed to feel any feelings unless they are "good happy rainbow and unicorn feelings"

I'm at the point now where I don't have hope anymore.. I have had it for so many years and since him coming out and other things he has done since then I don't have hope anymore.  There is no hope for a marriage with a couple who cant talk like adults about their feelings.. who have to say bad names and hurt the others feelings.. who treats the other like their personal slave at home... now see don't get me wrong I don't mind helping him i love helping him or doing things from him but I don't like how it goes 1 way or it goes OVERBOARD and h takes advantage of it..

I think he said to me once after I found out about his CDing

Finally!

Finally work has come my way!  Although I really don't want to jinx anything since I haven't  officially started yet but I am just to thrilled!

I got a job offer from Fred Meyers to be a cake decorator for them.  Although the first 2mo ill be just doing regular bakery stuff but after that I will be one of the decorators.  So I went in on Friday to hear the job offer and accept it.  They are going to start me out with the cake decorators pay since I will be transferring to that soon and less work for them etc.  Its a dollar less then I made at Sam's Club but I can live with that!  I took the drug test there and they are sending that off to the lab and they sent off my background check as well.  Since it falls into a holiday (4th of July) they said that it will take a bit longer for that stuff to come back but they hope its all back by the 8th cause that's when they signed me up for orientation.  So I am excited for that.

Onto other news...

Saturday my mom had planned a big spaghetti feed for the family.. my family, 3 brothers and their family, etc.. well hubby said we could go but then the day of he remembered he told a lady at work that we would go to her BBQ after he got off from work.. well..

He didn't get off from work until 6:30 then of course had to come home shower and change.. then we had to drive 20mi there.. and you know of course her BBQ started much earlier so by the time we got there everyone had ate, most of the food was gone and cold and well we knew no one there but her and they were all talking about stuff we had no clue about.. we all sat in her garage since it was raining (but it did stop like right when we got there).. the pulled pork she had made basically tasted like you were eating smoke.. i just really didn't enjoy myself or the food.. and i know the kids didn't either.. my kids are teens and all the other kids there were 8 or under so they just sat next to us the whole time.. time seemed to go by so slow.. i kept looking at my watch lol..

While I was sitting there I couldn't help but want to look at all the men's legs there (they were all wearing shorts).. and yep they all had leg hair.. *J* wasn't wearing shorts.. he doesn't really wear shorts in public and not sure he really would now that his legs are very hairless and shinny and white..then when I went up to my moms the next day I was noticing my brothers leg hair (he might as well be a bear with the leg hair he has.. and *J* doesn't even have 1/4 the leg hair my brother has..that is when *J* is not shaved).. lol yes I am not officially obsessed with leg hair.. probably cause my husband no longer has any and I miss it..

So 2 nights ago we got into a argument.. well kinda.. I was just down and he noticed but if I brought up any of my feelings to him he tells me that I always complain about him and make him at fault for everything or that i need to just stop bitching etc.. so when he asked what was wrong (AND WHY DOES HE ASK ITS NOT LIKE HES ACTUALLY GOING TO LISTEN AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A ADULT CONVERSATION....UGH!)   and of course to avoid being made to feel bad for what I am feeling inside I told him nothing i was just tired.. and of course he kept pushing cause he says he knows me and something is wrong.. but nope i kept telling him I was fine cause i know him and how he reacts to my feelings..

I just really don't know anymore.. don't know if I can do this forever or if I want this for the next 40+ years if we are blessed to live that long..  I want to be happy i really do.. I wish i could be the perfect wife and accept the things he does and not have it bother me but I cant and maybe I am selfish but part of me doesn't want to.. part of me wants to tell him that he lied about who he was so why should I be the one to make the sacrifice to change what I want in a person just to make our marriage better

Never before this had I ever given any thought to how manly men can be etc or that it was on my list of things I want in a man.. why cause that's what I expected most men to be like.. manly..  (and no i am not saying they cant have emotion.. i think men should feel ok to cry publicly etc..)  But now its like I'm missing that and its effecting how I feel...I am sorry if i want the norm.. or what most of society calls the norm.. when something comes into the relationship that was a lie for so long its like a mistress.. a unwanted guest.. it poisons the marriage.. and really if the person who held that secret for so long does nothing to help the marriage get back on track and just expects things to be fine that is like giving someone with a gunshot wound a simple band aid and saying here put this on it and you will be fine..



can someone please tell me if craigslist allows people to sell guns on their site..  I am not asking cause i want to buy a gun.. dislike guns and hubby's has some anyways lol.. I am asking cause in my mind I keep going back to when I was working before last November and I got a text from my husband saying "I will be the one in the DC hoodie by the elevators".. there was something else but that was the basic of it.. then like 2sec later i get another text by him saying "lol sorry i didn't mean to send that to you i am meeting someone from craigslist to look at a gun they were selling"  ... yet at that time we were broke so not sure why he would want to meet someone to look at a gun...

then as most know the next month is when I found out about his CDing and also found out about the naked pictures he put on yahoo with his yahoo name and all the guys on yahoo that would message him and talk about sexual things etc.. I want to make sure I am not being blind about something like that I don't want to be walked over if he is doing something like that behind my back.

I just want to trust him again and have that trust i use to have for him.. I always thought he was the one person I could trust that he never told me wrong...

I'm not happy even though I want to be happy with him.. hes been my life.. I just wish he appreciated me more or at least showed it if he does cause lately I feel like crap =/

I want...
to be hugged out of the blue
to be told I'm beautiful even when I am not looking my best
to be told how important I am
to have little things done for me every now and then
to have my feelings heard and not feel bad about feeling the way I do
to not have to worry
to have someone wipe my tears when I am sad
and mostly...
to be happy and feel like a priority to someone

So long my Spiderman! xoxo

So maybe I am behind a bit on my movie knowledge but I was looking up movie trailers tonight and looked up Spiderman 4 and noticed.............. NO TOBEY MAGUIRE!.........  I am crushed.  He is one of my celebrity crushes and I loved him in 1, 2 and 3 Spidermans..

Now they decide to take the Spiderman movies a way different direction and send Spidey back to high school.. WHAT!?!?!.. So ofcourse Tobey turned down the role.. what 34yo man wants to play a high school student... they have different writers and everything this time around.. the whole Spiderman cast is BYE BYE.. no MJ in this new movie either.. whats a Spiderman movie without MJ???  Is this all because Disney bought Marvel??  Trying to get that "tween" audience just like the Twilight movies are famous for?  Makes me sick..

No one wants to see Spidey in high school..  I was looking forward to seeing Spiderman 4 this next year but now I think ill pass.. which will be the first time in years I've passed up on Spidey.

Odds & Ends #2

So here are some more quotes I have come across on FB and like but I cant post them cause family will ask me if I am ok and my husband will ask me whats up.. so ill express them on here to you all.  Remember these are not wrote by me but by random people on the FB Status Shuffle.


wishing i could just end all of this then i couldn't hurt anymore & everyone can move on with their lives knowing i tried but just couldn't handle it anymore


realizing i fell in love with who i thought you were and got hurt by who you really were


I just wanna be the girl.


Either stand up and be the man I need or sit down so I can see the man who is standing


When you love a girl, Fight for her, Show shes the only one that matters, Dont do something you know you shouldn't, Don't watch the pain break her and do nothing


Emotionally.. I'm done... Mentally.. I'm drained.. Spiritually.. I feel dead.. & yet physically..I smile =)




and we will finish with....


...needs to be someone special to someone at least once

Unhappiness

So I was reading a post on the CD forums with someone who posted about their wife and they are getting separated now but not divorced.  In the post they talked about how they could see the pain and sadness in their wife.  Makes me wonder if I am just a super good actress or my own husband just ignores the pain and sadness I have.  Anyways..

They had been married for 20 some odd years yet she had known for a good mount of time that he was a CDer.  I guess from what I understood she had this pain/sadness cause she was not attracted to him anymore.  She wanted more manly etc and he was to feminine for her liking.  Which brings me to my latest struggle...

Leg hair...

Why is it so important to me?  Its hair that grows on the legs.. most women shave it off.. some men shave it off for sports.. So why do I have this issue?  I can think of a couple things which go back to the above of me talking about the wife who felt unattractive to her husband... I am not attracted to men with legs that are shaved.  I just cant get over it.  Even sports figures I  see who have shaved legs I just really get turned off by it.  The feeling against my legs.. it makes me really want to just grow my own leg hair out so I don't have to feel that feeling from his legs on mine.  (Which I confuse I truly thought about doing that the other day.. but if I don't shave then he gets upset.... go figure *rolls eyes*).. feeling his legs after they are shaved is just way to smooth for me and makes my skin basically crawl.. it turns me off.. i don't want to be next to him.. yet its just leg hair right?  *sigh*    The 2nd reason why I don't like it cause I know it links him more to his CDing.. Its not what I want.. but this relationship now I see it has not ever been want I wanted.. none of it has been about me... its always been about him from the start of our marriage.. I give in to his wants all the time.  My kids even see it and have now called him out on it.. me doing every little thing for him even if I am busy at the time and hes doing jack shit.. i get up and do it for him...

*Sigh*

I want to be noticed like that wife above.. noticed by my husband.. I want him to notice that

I'm Broken..

Urgent Care Visit

So since April I have had this swollen area on the base of my neck kinda between my shoulder and neck and above my collar bone.  Its just swollen and doesn't hurt or anything.  So at the time I thought maybe I pulled something or something minor like that.  Still hasn't gone away so I was just talking about it on FB  and some friends and family replied that I need to get seen.  A guy who went to school with my mom said that his daughter had something similar and it turned out to be Hodgkin's..

So I decided I would go in today just so they could look at it and tell me "oh its nothing you should be fine"  So the Dr comes in and feels the area then said give me a minute I need to grab someone so I can pick their brain.  So a second Dr comes in and takes a feel too.  They then decided that I need to have some blood work done as well as a CT scan done. He said really there are 2 possibilities.. it could be fine and just a inflamed area or it could possibly be cancer.. or even thyroids but he says with as far down is it that it probably isn't my thyroid but they are still testing for that.

Monday the ear nose and throat Dr is going to give me a call cause I need a appt with them he said.  He sent me home cause the tests were taking to long to come back with results then what he first thought so he said he is going to call me once they come in.

Now I play the waiting game...

The job is his

Well...

He got the assistant manger job.  And it becomes active July 1st.  I am really so very proud of him for doing such a awesome job and excelling in his job.. in a industry where it is hard for him to excel.

I still have my worries though and I think I am entitled to them given the past.  He will be going for training for 1 week from what I understood to either WA or OR.  So I think my stress level in that time is going to be a bit high.

So a few days ago I posted on the CD forums in reply to a husband talking about his wife just finding out about his CDing after they had been together for 15yrs and him hiding it from her.. I went into a trust issue and brought up my husbands job possibility and how I nervous and inside parts of me doesn't want him to get the position cause of my trust issues with him...

Well...

Hubby read that post and basically flew off the handle.. he came out of the bathroom (he takes his iPhone in there and looks at the CD forums) snapped at the kids and told them to go to bed.. didn't talk to me and just had a all over negative poop attitude.  He didn't say a word to me.  He came into the living room took the controller and turned on a show that we had recorded and still didn't say anything.. so after the show I went to take my bath and then sat on the couch.  I asked if he wanted to talk about anything he said not at the moment hes too busy with his game..So I thought ok whatever..

well I went up to bed and he comes up and bitches saying I left everything on for him to turn off (god only knows how many times I am left to turn lights off or lock the dogs up myself).. then mumbles about something about us sleeping in the same bed so I said fine ill sleep downstairs..  Went downstairs it was about 2am at this point.. laid down on the couch with my dog and cried and cried not knowing what was up or why he was so angry.  Cried until about 7am when I finally fell asleep.. before that point I wrote him a quick email letting him know I had no idea what he was pissy about and that I stayed up until 7am hurt and crying cause I was clueless about what was going on.

So about 10am he comes downstairs and once he went into the bathroom I headed upstairs to lay in bed for a bit and get warm under the covers.  He texted me said he replied to my email and what he was upset about.. well it was the post I made about his possible job.. and instead of seeing WHY i was hurting and my FEARS from that post he just saw all negative that i just want him to fail etc.. which was NOT my intention..

I guess he had also made a post on the forums telling them to delete his name and his posts that he was not coming back.. but this was NOT the end of it he said.. whatever that means.. but of course he has been back on.. i knew he wouldn't.. he had said with me on the forums he cant just go there and get support and make friends that I am there and I make posts too so he cant be himself cause i always make him look like shit.. which i don't.. or if I do i don't mean to.. I post exactly how I feel I don't cover it up.. and I post truthfully.. its not my fault if he doesn't want to talk to me about my feelings or he doesn't recognize how I am feeling.. that forum is the only place I have to connect with others and express myself about this issue..

what am I suppose to candy coat it like I do out marriage to family?

*sigh*

I'm tired so ill write more later

Raining on my face

I am trying to remember a happy time in my life.  That time would have to be before my grandfather passed away.  He was the center of my life and we did so much together.

I try to view my husband over the years as the center of my life but I don't feel it quite as much.  Maybe because I know I am not the center of his life.  I know that its hard for him to drop things for me without complaining.  I want someone who will say "I need to do this for my wife.. shes my everything" and then do something special for me or plan something special.  Or take the time to listen to me.

Listen..

That's something that doesn't happen very often around here.  I think if he would look and listen to me more he would see things that he hasn't noticed and should notice.  Those things might not make him happy but they are important.

There are many times and probably more then once a week where I get to a point where I wish I was extremely ill and dying.  Now any normal person probably wouldn't think that and I am very childish I know for my reasons behind it... but its me...  If I were very ill and dying I would think that my husband would be right next to me taking care of me.  I want someone so bad to take care of me and my needs.  To put me before themselves... I want to feel important.. I want to know what I feel inside me is important and not dumb...And I feel that unless I am really injured badly and or sick majorly that I wont get it.. I haven't yet after 20yrs why should I think it would just magically happen over night.

There are times when like above I just want to die.  I don't think I would ever have the courage to take my own life.  But I must be truthful and say that it does cross my mind of different ways it could happen.  I wonder if he would regret anything or if he would be sad and miss me at all.. would he then notice everything I do for him and how each day I do things and try to make him happy..

Ive given little hints to him here and there but his reply is "don't talk like that I don't like it"..I don't know if he really knows how real this pain is inside me..

He knows I use to write in a diary and one time that I know of he read it.. he wasn't to happy cause he said i just blame him for everything and make him look like the big bad wolf or something..

I don't try to do that.. I swear I love my husband if I didn't I wouldn't want so much from him emotionally for our marriage.. I wouldn't care what he did if I didn't love him so much..

Odds and Ends

To some I guess my blog is a bit of a downer but I think for awhile it is going to stay on that note.  I need this place to help me vent and release things inside me that I cant let out anywhere else.  I have faith that one day I will make happy posts again.. I just don't know when that one day will be.

These are just a few quotes and sayings I have found saved and now put together on this post.  Each in some way have meaning for me.  Enjoy!



Even though you're the one who broke my heart, You're the one I want to fix it


If someone really loves you, they wouldn't let you slip away no matter how big the situation is.


The pain I have known many will never feel. I would not wish it on anyone. However no matter how much I have gone through I will be stronger in the end.


" It's easy to say, 'I love you,' to someone, but it's more meaningful to thank someone for loving you." Jon Bon Jovi


"Never trade what you want most in life for what you want at the moment"


Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need therapy.


Relationships are like broken glass. Sometimes, your better off leaving things broken, instead of hurting yourself more, trying to fix something that you can't.


she's tired of hiding the pain and covering the tears...she finally lets go and tears roll down her cheeks as she whispers "I don't want to be me"


Sometimes the girl who seems so strong who smiles and laughs with her friends is really the girl who deep down is falling to pieces.


Its so sad, when the right person won't be able to search for you, because your too busy all your life making the wrong person right for you!


I smile and I laugh but you have no idea how sad, lonely and hurt I am inside...


the person who laughs a lot, talks a lot, and seems happy, may also be the person who cries themselves to sleep at night!

Some times when I say I'm okay. I want somebody to look me in the eyes, hold me tight and say 

No your not.

My feelings? Oh don't worry about those, no one else does


How many times do I have to cry in front of you for you to realize your pushing me away? What will you do when I finally walk away for good and give up on you?


says the worst feeling is when you finally realize exactly what you want...and then realize you're never gonna get it


Why do tears come rushing when you are so hurt? Coz it's the only way your eyes can speak when your lips can't explain how things made your feelings broken