I am trying to still wrap my brain around all this CDing etc. Its so confusing to me as to why the man I love, the man I married had this big secret he kept from me this whole time lying and not telling me the whole truth. but when I was caught in a lie he would scold me and tell me how liars make him sick. How I could look him in the face and lie to him. yet how many times has he done that to me over the last almost 20yrs we have been together.
I will say again I have no problem with ppl who choose to CD.. but I still have a problem with it when it comes to my husband. With him I want to be selfish. I want him to be one of those men who try their hardest to give it up for their wife and children. I want him to be the one sacrificing himself for us instead of me always sacrificing myself for him.
God I want to be selfish so bad I have awful nightmares now about all this CDing and him. I wake up sweating or in tears. Ive been trying to understand. And I do but its like my brain shuts down and I don't want to understand for my husbands side. I don't understand how he cant love who God made him to be. I believe God made him for me so he was made a male since I am female. god made his body just to fit me perfectly to fit me.. to fit my desires and to make me attracted to him. I am not attracted to my husband in women's clothing or panties shoes, hair or make up. I am not attracted to my husband when his legs are shaved or arms.. I can deal with the chest and underarms and "privates" but legs..I miss his leg hair. I am not attracted to my husband when he wears anything but clear nail polish. Its such a turn off. I would trade the nail polish for shaved legs any day. I would agree for him to shave his legs or whatever he wanted (even though i dislike the feeling when our legs touch) in exchange for no color or at least clear only.
Why do I have such a issue with these you might ask.. I mean its something we are conditioned to as society.. yes but its also what I fell in love with what I grew to love about my man.. its what turns me on.. every woman is different on what they like in their man.. I don't think you can say we as a society have been conditioned to like something certain.. maybe to a point but in the end there are things we all like and dislike.
I pray every night for God to give me my husband back.. the one I thought I knew and loved from the beginning before I knew of this CDing.. and not that he would be hiding it again but he would be what I always thought he was.
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