This is the beginning of my blog. I decided to start this blog cause I do not really have a place where I can express myself and my feelings. There are things I cant talk to others about and I need to let this stuff out of me. I had a regular "paper journal" but one day while in a heated argument with my hsuband I tore it all up. it had pages and pages of my feelings.
So a bit about me without giving away too much of my information.
I am married and have children and dogs. We have traveled around quite a lot over our 15yr marriage. I think now we finally found a place which we can call home.
My family has a big secret. Well my husband had a big one which was kept from me for years. My husband is a crossdresser. I found this out and the extent of it in early December 2010. I was just going over the bank statement and found some charges to places I don't remember seeing anything bought for and a place which sells beauty supplies and wigs that I knew I never have been to. So that night I went directly upstairs and we through the whole bedroom and finally found a small stash of things inside a plastic gun case which had a lock on it. a lock which I knew the combination to. Opened it up and I found tights, shoes, skirt, bra, wig...
My soul was crushed. Life as I knew it was a lie. I felt like my whole 15yrs of marriage had been one big lie. How could he do this to me? how could he want to be with me and marry me and not tell me this and give me the decision then if I wanted this in my life. now I was thrown into it without choice.
Lets go back a few years. I had found out my husband.. the man I love is bisexual.. another thing he failed to tell me before our relationship or marriage. How could he be bisexual hes suppose to love me and only want to be with me. this hurt me and still hurts me that he identifies himself as bisexual. To me he should of gave that up once he started a relationship with me. So being young in my marriage when I first found this out and him "talking" to guys on yahoo I went ahead and told him it would be fine for him to go "have relations" with a guy he had been talking with. So he went out late at night to do this. I cried and cried.. I didn't want this deep in my heart but at the time I felt like if I didn't allow him to do this that he would end up leaving me because he wasn't satisfied. I loved him so much then (And still do to this day) and I think it hurt even worse that when I told him its fine that he didn't even think twice about it.. that he went and did this.. that he went and had sex with someone other then his wife. I only know of 2 times where he went.. But I have a gut feeling that there have probably been many more.. doubt he will ever tell me about it..and I don't dare bring it up now.
So back to me finding out about his crossdressing. He was working that night so when I went to pick him up I acted like everything was fine and I knew he would be going upstairs to get his clothes to change into. Well he did and what was there.. the gun case open with his "hidden stuff" all over the bed with a short but sweet note on it saying "Fuck you!" he called me upstairs.. and said we need to talk. He started to talk to me and I just didn't feel like he was "sorry: for any of this.. he kept calling it a addiction and a demon inside him. He said he wanted to try and get "cured" and told me if he throws it away that it wont help any cause later on he will just go buy more stuff again. i felt NO heartfelt talk come out of his mouth. I told him that if I had found out that he cheated on my instead I would of been able to understand that better..
So then a couple nights pass and I am doing a search online for some support on this issue for myself in our area.. well I come across this one forum and this "female" name on there which has the same location as us.. and I looked at the picture they had.. and looked again at it and it was MY HUSBAND dressed as a woman with make up and a wig.. and in OUR CAR! He had actually gone out of our house dressed. I felt so sick to my stomach and he drove our car around town and to the post office etc.. when I use that car about 80% of the time and the car has features on it which makes it unique so you cant really hide from it. I read posts about him taking off his wedding ring.. talking about how he imagines during sex that he is a female.. how he is bisexual.. how he wishes he could be a woman 24x7 but now has to live with his fate (I assume his marriage to me).. there were more things that i read that hurt me but I don't want the list to go on and on..
since we have moved. A few weeks before this all happened he sent me a text saying something like "ill be by the elevators I'm the one in the DC hoodie" etc.. then texted me right back saying "oops sorry that was meant for someone else I am going to go look at a gun i saw on craigs list" now thinking about it we didn't even have money then for him to buy anything like a gun why would he be going to just look at it when you can go to the stores and look at guns.. doesn't seem like him..
So then a few more days pass and I guess I let me curiosity get the better of me and I looked up his yahoo name and viewed that profile.. he had his "female" pic on there.. pictures of his private parts (which should only be for me to see).. and after that posts saying "I'm bored" and another saying "I'm horny" this hurt me so much.. I am still holding on to hurt from it. my husband who basically preached truth and honesty to me is now someone I view as dishonest. I love my husband I don't want to think that of him. After that I found a profile which he made that was for that Ashley Madison site or whatever its called where ppl go to have affairs on..i confronted him about it and he said it made it a long time ago and he was just curious.. yet it had his current info on it and he put a lot of time into the profile... that hurts..
I need to go finish making dinner ill post more in a few.
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