Limits

When I found out a few days later we set some limits to what I was comfortable with.  I think for just finding out this was a BIG step for me and so I don't think there is anything wrong with what I ask.  Here is what I agreed to.


*Only clear nail polish
*Only panties and nylons/tights/stockings
*Nothing frilly that just screams "girly"
*No bras, Shoes, skirts, dresses etc as far as clothing (I am ok with the "underclothes" for now)
*And last.. No makeup


(I didn't agree to the shaving but he does it anyways and he knows I'm not comfortable with it yet he really doesn't care.  Maybe I wouldn't mind so much the shaving if it wasn't a constant thing but a once in awhile thing..small thing to some people but I do miss some of his body hair.. I was always attracted to it and now its gone.. )


Sometimes I wonder if then I should of said that it cant be every day or the majority of the time.  Cause he always has his toes painted (And now I have to deal with french tip which is still on his toes and really bothers me) and 9 times out of 10 he is either wearing tights/stockings under his clothing and or panties.  Can't there ever be a time where he just wants to be my man for most of the time?  he comes home from work showers then basically puts the things on.. he has to always have his toes painted...


I'm afraid to even bring it up now cause any issue with the CDing that I bring up he gets all pissy with me.  So how do I get the point across to him that sometimes I would just like him to be my husband without all that stuff on?  I cant really.  He hates me to talk about it and so I just deal with it and feel hurt about things so that he can be happy. And we don't have to get into a argument.


Why is he the one who gets what he wants and gets to be happy?  I'm always making sure he is happy but there is no one around who is making sure I am happy.  Ive done it to myself though.  Being young and in our relationship I didn't have a mind of my own yet.  (I was in my very early teens when we started dating.. now I'm in my 30's)  he was always controlling when I was younger.. what I could/couldn't wear how short I could have my hair etc.. and I followed his rules cause I wanted to make him happy.  Over the years I think I have lost myself in trying to do everything to make him happy.


I guess maybe I thought this for now would be a occasional thing of him having painted nails or wearing the women's under clothing and the shaving...I think though I would be more tolerant with it all if he didn't shave.. I would still have that sense of him wanting to be a man but just liking things that women do.


Sometimes I feel like the forum we have joined doesn't help him much but feeds on his desires and fantasy's. So many talking about what they wear and where they go and what they buy and fantasy's etc.. that it puts him in a "pink fog" a lot of the time.


Something that did bother me which was said on the forum in post that i read in response to my husband posting about me finding out is "When you dress do you do stupid things like cheat on her (oh wait, no, you don't, all you do is wear some "odd" styles for a man to wear)"   Well you know what he has cheated on me and when he is dressed he has taken naked pictures of himself to post online and tell people he was horny.  another part of that post was saying do you show her disrespect do you beat her.. well many times i have dealt with mental and physical abuse.. now its just mental but in the past there has been times of physical.  They don't know me and don't know my husband or our relationship so they must have it in their little mind that all people who CD take on the women trait and are kind caring people who laugh and giggle with their wives.. not the case at all..


I wish my husband was more kind and caring to me wanting to know and listen to my feelings but hes not.  if I try to tell him something of how I feel.. I get the reply of "I don't want to hear this now" or "I don't want to talk about this now" or "Are you done bitching and complaining yet?"  And then usually a big fight cause I feel so alone inside and trapped with all my emotions to myself.


I don't want to make this blog all about the negative I want to have some sort of positive in here.  From everything I have typed it probably doesn't make my husband look very good as a person.  but I love him so much with my whole heart and he does good things to and we have been through a lot and he has changed so much from when we were younger which has kept me to stay with him.  I just wish we had better communication.  And i wish he would look more at the posts on the forum for help rather then whats your panty color, what kind of shoes do you like etc..


I'm jealous sometimes of the forums cause the way he talks to ppl on there so so caring and nice and its like in RLhun we are all here for you"  or "Its ok hun" or "you look beautiful hun" etc.. hes more comforting and giving words of comfort to strangers then he is me.. I want a bit of that.. I want him to care for me (taking a pause for a moment cause this has brought me to tears)


I want him to hug me to tell me that hes there for me too...how much he loves me and that I'm not going to lose "him"  that he wants to make me happy..for him to ask me if I am ok or need to talk about something (in a caring tone not a harsh tone when he asks me whats wrong)  For him to hold me more out of the blue.. to help me with things around the house..(He doesn't do anything around the house.. no type of cleaning or helping what so ever.. once in a great while he will make dinner but its always me)  I'm tired of trying to be so strong and put on a happy face when I am hurting inside and need him but he doesn't understand and gets frustrated thinking that I am just whining or complaining.


I don't want a whole  fairy tale.. I just want parts from a fairy tale.. moments...