We continue

So now I am back from eating dinner and watching a movie with my husband.  The night I found the dating site info and the naked pictures of him wasn't good.  We fought.  And instead of him even having one bit of sadness in his face for what I had found the only thing he could basically say is "what your spying on me now?"  How can I trust him if he isn't going to tell me the whole truth from the beginning?  I still feel to this day that he is hiding something more from me.  I just don't know what yet.  Do I really want to know?..yes and no..

There were things he has posted in those forums that I have asked him about.  His reply basically is that I am reading to much into it or he didn't mean to post it that way..But you know what.  If I would of posted the things he posts on there do you think he would take it so lightly?  Not at all..

I often wonder if he would stick around or stick by me if I wanted to be male.  if I wanted to wear male clothing and bind my chest so it didn't show and lower my voice etc..  Then I start to think.. well hes bisexual so that might turn him on and he likes being the woman.. so giving him that example of how I feel and how I am hurting really doesn't work in this situation.. but any other person I think would understand what point I am trying to make.

We set boundaries and already they have been crossed.  One of them was only clear nail polish for now.  That's what I am comfortable now.. i mean heck its only been a month.  Well we go get our monthly pedicure and he gets french tips on his feet..I just about was in tears at the salon and he said he thought it was ok and apologised.. I'm not attracted to that.. right now it turns me off...I want him to think of me for once and what would make me happy...

I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy before myself...

I don't know if there is anyone who wants to make me happy or thinks about what would make me smile..

Does he not notice that I don't truly smile to often?

He said "ill just take it off then at home"  my reply.. "no that's a waste of money"  (In my head though I wanted him to say no I'm taking it off cause it makes you sad..never happened)  Oh wait I forgot before then he said "ill just get it done next time when your not around"  my reply "no that's like doing  it behind my back and i know you still have it... seeing it being done isn't the issue"

How do I explain daddy's toes to my 12yo daughter if she see's them... shes already noticed the "glossy look"  and i try to pass it off as i didn't notice or must just be the light..hate lying to her..  *sigh*

I'm crushed the boundaries already got tested.. it hadn't even been a month...but its my fault.. i replied to his email saying "Do whatever cause I'm not going to like it right away and ill just hold you back from being you so do what makes you happy"  I guess my "dream" reply from him would of been that he doesn't want to do anything that doesn't make me happy.. but again not the case.. he wants himself to be happy that's for sure..

since i found out there isn't much he says to comfort me..if i bring up any topic on CDing.. ANYTHING.. he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it or says we always have to talk about it (which we don't) or its gonna piss him off.. BUT he does want to talk about when we can go buy panties together or get our pedicures.. but nothing that will try and heal us..

I am trying SO hard to be all accepting of this.  But its hard when I see his painted toes all the time (even knowing they are under socks makes me sad cause i know i ts there) him shaving all his body hair.. and even his dang arm hair..like every trace of his manhood he wants gone.. not even asking my opinion on it all but just DOING IT..

I'm just in a sad place and I just want my husband to be the one to lift me up and tell me we will get through this I am here for you... but..

I have to life my own self up from the ground and keep my marriage going cause this is the man i fell in love with whom i have children with..i love him more today then I ever have.. my love has grown for him over time .. its been tested many times and in those times which it was tested it grew stronger..  I will not let this love go without a fight.

So that's the history recap.. hopefully I can post some good things in this blog too.  But now you know why its my Un-ordinary life.