So we talked a bit last night about what I found.. I really thought that he was going to be pissed and defensive with me after reading my emails I sent to him. But he wasn't he surprised me by how umm whats a good word for it I want to say mature he handled it.. but he handled himself well with talking to me and listening to me as well.
He tells me he has not done anything with that guy and I do believe him it just still hurts me that it even came in his mind to do something like that. And as one of the girls put on the forums it is a form of cheating.. even if you are having computer sex with someone or showing them naked pictures.. its all a form of cheating and can hurt your partner... and it hurt me and it still hurts me to this day. It brings back memories of what happened in the past when I basically "let" him cheat on me. It hurt me so bad and I think I am forever scared from it.
I feel like I am not good enough for him well that I am not "enough" for him that he always needs these men to satisfy him. I don't want to feel that way I want to feel like I can satisfy him and make him happy. Why does he need this.. he is 35yo he is a adult and doesn't need to play these games with other men. I cant even begin to compete.. but I don't want to either.. I don't want to have to win to have my husband be faithful to me.
We are going to work on things and I know its not going to happen over night. There is a lot of hurt in our relationship and a TON of hurt on my side. I don't think he could even imagine how much hurt I have inside my body right now. It would really overload him I think. But slowly he will learn just how much over the years and especially these past 2mo have hurt me and left scars. One of the girls did make a good point when I made a post about how hurt I was about all this she said "I know you love him. But he his spending his free time having computer sex with strange men right after you find his CDing stuff. There's not even a break from his behavior while you struggle to cope with his dressing." Which is so true there was no break and he took advantage of me trying to be accepting with doing it daily and having his nails painted all the time and shaving off body hair left to right.. not once did the thought of my feelings and how I was doing came into his head I don't think... And when I tried to express myself he would get mad and say i always make things about me and he never gets to express his feelings and how he feels.. so we never got very far..
So last night I do hope that he follows through with what he promised me and what we are going to work on together. I need it.. "we" need it...I need my husband.. He told me once he doesn't know how to make me happy.. I finally told him how he can make me happy.. to care for me, listen when I am hurt and notice that I am hurt and I get tired too.. I am not wonder woman..I need to know that my man cares about me and notices..
I'm tired mentally and emotionally..
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