Sent a email

So I sent a email to my husband this morning before I went for work.  I don't know but we seem to communicate better through written communication.  Maybe its that I don't get so worked up and don't have to see his expressions or I can better explain to him what I am feeling inside other then a spur of the moment feelings coming out.  I'm not good with that.  Maybe my true feelings come out spur of the moment but then I don't get them across to him the correct way and he just gets mad at me and tells me that its not all about me and my feelings.

So in this email I told him about the bad dreams that I have been having lately about him having computer sex with other guys and me walking in etc.. that I'm just really scared of that happening and that's all that consumes my mind while I am at work while he is home on his days off.  His reply was basically not to think that way and to stop letting the devil in and pray before I go to bed.  Cause that's not what happens and that doesn't happen.  But really in my mind I don't know why in the first place he took naked pictures of himself with his stockings on and posted on his yahoo that he was horny or why he had guys names on his yahoo which were from places we lived before and even now and random IMs talking about computer sex.  I cant wrap my mind around what he wants to tell me as the truth.  And its either I keep bringing it up and we keep fighting about it or I just don't bring it up and it eats at me inside.  So eating at me inside is what I have chosen.  *sigh*

The other thing I talked about was his french tip toes.  I told him how I got asked by our daughter(12yo) why it looks like daddy has fake nails on his toes.. and how I had no idea how to explain it to her so basically I lied to her and said i wasn't sure what she was talking about and changed the topic.  She must have seen him somehow without socks.  Cause when his toes are like that he always wears socks.  And now i know how he hid it all the time from me before I knew.. He wore socks and wouldn't take them off until it was dark in the room or I was in the bed already...So he told me that he removed the french tip today and will only use clear from now on for now.

Then finally I brought up the body hair.  Now this is different for some ppl.  I like some body hair on my man.. my man is NOT hairy naturally so I've always enjoyed it.  So when he started shaving his chest years ago it was a bit of a shock.. then he started shaving his legs in winter and i didn't understand it.. and he didn't do it often then but now that i know he does it ALL the time.. i cant stand the feel of his legs when they are shaved.  when both of our legs touch it feels so awkward to me and sticky and not natural.. makes me feel like I need to let my leg hair grow..*theres a idea*  His reply was he was only doing this for the winter months then grow it back.. he said he doesn't know how to compromise on that one.. well me either unless he wants to just shave his chest and underarms and keep his leg hair I would be happy with that but I know he wouldn't.  Anything I want he just wants more.

he made the remark that if i take away everything (Which I'm not he wears ladies undies and stockings/nylons.. clear polish) We go panty shopping together (started that just so that he feels i am supportive but at times i just want him to be a man) and get pedicures together now and I hated them before.. .. anyways the remark was if I take away everything that its going to cause him to relapse and buy things and throw things away again.. he said he would love not to but its easier said then done.. so really what he means is he doesn't even want to try..

I'm so sad he talks to all these CDers on the forums who basically say "oh don't let your wife tell you to throw things away etc.. you need to be who you are inside the wife needs to learn to just deal etc" so now hes on this trip of that he cd's and tests boundaries no matter of how i am feeling or if I am hurt and never taking a break to be a man.. I'm losing my man yet if I talk to him i just get it thrown in my face that its impossible to quit and he would if he could.. well you ARNT TRYING..  He doesn't want to quit.. just like a alcholic doesn't want to stop drinking really.. its the same.. its a addiction is how I have been viewing it lately..its just getting the addicted to realize they have a problem and admit it and then get help for it.  he needs to find something other then CDing and wearing women's things and wanting to be a woman .. instead be my man and my husband and a father to our children.  save the money you spend on CDing and spend it on us.. think of us instead of yourself.. think of the pain you have put into my heart cause of this.. this just adds to everything else now..I have questions..

ok with this or if not what will happen to us..  I don't want to lose us yet I don't think my husband notices my dedication and what I have to deal with in order to be semi ok with all of this.. cause if i bring it up he brings up about him.. him him.. its about him when i tell him my feelings and how its going to affect him.

I just want to be taken care of instead of me taking care of everyone before myself..

I'm tired I need sleep..  =(