Roller Coaster

Why have my feelings been like a roller coaster?  Up and down up and down and around and back to the beginning.  I think just having my brain go through so many different emotions and changes really is wearing me out and is making me tired.

I feel like my whole relationship I have given so much daily that I'm scared I have nothing left to give.  Sometimes I want to be selfish and just want want WANT.. I want something in return.  I want to be treated like a princess or someone special.  Someone who means something to another.  I don't feel that way and I don't think I have or at least not for a very very long time.  I want to let that selfish part of me out but I'm not sure I even have it inside me.  Well I shouldn't say that I know I do I know its inside me cause i will think it in my brain but I know better then to act selfish.  I want to give and be nice and make him happy.. happy to the point where I forget about myself and whats good for me.

I know I know its not healthy and I know in a relationship each person must give and take equally.. I know this..But I am at the point that I don't care.  I really could care less about myself.. maybe I have been taught in a sense that really I am not that important so why should I care about myself.  And not that I am directly told that but its shown to me by his actions of what he does or doesn't do and says or doesn't say to me.

So just let me complain a bit about knowing I am not treated right and let me be.  I'm a big girl and I know my relationship is screwed a bit...a lot at times.. but I love him and have shared over 1/2 my life with him.. we have 3 children together and he has been there for me many times.. maybe not emotionally but in other ways which is needed too.  Hes my life... now I just wish I was his..

I sent him a reply email I think I spoke of it in my earlier email post.  I know hes read it.. has he replied or talked to me about it.. nope.. and guess what he probably wont either.  But I should be fine with that.. its typical... If its not something he likes or agrees with he doesn't want to talk about it..but its ok for me to keep hurting

Call me stupid for still being with him after 15yo of marriage.. but I love that man.. yes that MAN nothing other then that.. and I will continue to love him.  I have put so much into this marriage and relationship and things HAVE changed from how they use to be and he has gotten better.. no one is perfect right?  Baby steps right?  like they say on the CD forum..

Speaking of the CD forum.. I'm a bit lost on there now.. the majority on there just want to sit and talk about what they buy what they wear what their fantasy is of being a woman..if someone different comes on there and wants help or to know advice on trying to stop its "oh honey you cant stop or change" and everyone laughs.  A SO comes to the forums and isn't sure about supporting their husband or is very upset by something her husband does which seems like no big deal to them they are all about saying "its his body his life blah blah.. he shouldn't have to get permission"..but what they fail to see is especially for married CDer's they are not going through life alone.. they have a life partner.. so what that one person does or how they change etc effects their SO and their so called life.  Just like me.. although ppl have been supportive on there to me except for a few which I will not name of course.. I was made to believe that I knew everything about my husband and when I said for better or worse and I do that I knew that I was getting into but in December when I found out it was like I missed some of the "fine print" in our marriage certificate that said "oh btw I like to wear women's clothing and someday you will find my stash.. oh yeah I also like to wear makeup and go out like a woman and I wish I could be a woman 24x7 but I have to live with my fate I have chosen"  I am not sure I would be here if I knew all this before we got married.  It has made things so much more stressful this past 2 almost 3mo.. I hate the new year I hated Christmas this year..I felt sooo alone.. even with the girls (GG) on the forums I felt alone.. its like most of them like 99% are soo accepting of their husband/bf dressing and take part in it.. so if I made a post about how I am uncomfortable it was just like "oh it will get easier for you over time"  what if I don't want it to get easier what if I just want what I thought was my normal back?..

I cry.. I cry cause I want him to at least try for me.. try to make me happy and try not to do this cause it hurts me so much inside.  hes blind to it all.. hes blind to my hurt I think.  If he isn't then he doesn't care to say much to me or comfort me when he sees me hurting.  I have done and given up so much for him and the family we have made over the last 17yrs isn't it his time now to dedicate his life on making me happy?  Never once has he told me that he wants to see me happy.. that he wants to put that smile back on my face that was lost so so many years ago.

One day ill find my smile again.. I just hope its my husband who helps me find it.