So in my previous post I started to talk about a small amount of my childhood. I would of continued talking about more of it but that post was about my dreams and goals. So it would not fit into the subject as well. With my healing I am trying to do now I would like to post a bit about what has happened to me as a child.
In my previous post I talked about my grandparents raising me. I never did call them mom or dad when I was a baby they made sure I always knew them as grandma and grandpa. And I knew my mom as my mom.
We moved quite a bit. When I was in 3rd grade we moved from Alaska to Arizona then to Montana. I was almost 9 when we were in Montana. This is where my life changed and felt like I hit a brick wall.
It was April and my grandpa was home from the hospital for a few weeks. He had heart problems and they always were doing surgeries or check ups etc..
One morning my grandma was in the kitchen making breakfast and we had friends visiting from another town. They were sitting at the table with my grandpa and talking. I was on the ground near the fireplace cracking open pecans. All of a sudden I heard a fork drop to the wood floor. (I will never forget that sound) And my grandpa slumped over and face landed on the table. I cant remember what was said then or how my grandma knew to come into the dining room. But she was there and brought him to the ground almost in front of me.
She laid him on his back. She kept talking to him telling him it was going to be ok and not to leave her. I was frozen. yet it was like I was floating above my body watching all the events. She ran into the kitchen to get his heart medicine and opened the bottle and told him she was putting it under his tongue. She tried to do CPR although I know she wasn't 100% sure on how to do it. over and over she tried and tried as I just sat there frozen not able to do anything. No tears or nothing were coming from my eyes. I was like a statue. She went into the kitchen to call for help. We didn't live in town and the town next to us was very small. They only had a volunteer EMTs. It seemed like forever as my grandma tried everything to save my grandpa. The EMTs showed up which seemed like it had been a lifetime for them to get there. My grandma instructed me to go back to my room with my dog. I did as she said.
In my room alone with my dog not knowing what was going on or what was happening to my grandpa I sat there. I sat there hugged my pillow and talked to God. I told him please don't take my grandpa he means so much to me and I need him. My grandma needs him. His life has been so wonderful their marriage so wonderful. Please take me instead. I wasn't meant to be here they just took me in. They need one another. Over and over I begged for God to just take me instead. But as you know God doesn't answer all our prayers.. at least the way we would like at the time.
Time went by and I'm not even sure how long but my grandma came in my room with one of the EMT ladies and said that I need to go tell grandpa good bye. He was still laying in the exact same spot as before I went to my room. its scary he was not moving. Still i did not cry. I stayed strong. there was to much hurt in the room for me to fall apart now. I needed to show them that I was strong. I got on my knees and leaned over and kissed my grandpa for the last time. I felt a tingle in my lips when I did. I always thought that it was some sort of sign when I was younger now maybe it was just my imagination.
my grandma took a shower later that day and I remember walking by the bathroom and hearing her crying. Still I didn't cry. I cried at night though in bed. Alone so no one would know. I hurt so much. We were so close. he was "my father" he taught me so many things, games, construction (he was a carpenter) and how a man should be with his children. my grandma always told me how much my grandpa loved me. Now he was gone.
I remember so much from that day even though it was 23yrs ago. I remember smells sounds.. I can close my eyes and picture everything again. I cant let it go and I wont let it go.
A few nights after his passing I had a dream. We were at a church I had not seen before and I guess it was after his funeral and he was standing behind a tree and called me over. I went over to him and he told me "Let your grandma know I am ok now" After waking from the dream I decided not to tell anyone about it. I was scared. maybe they wouldn't believe me. I kept that inside for a very long time. Finally when I was a adult probably around 23 I told my grandma of this dream and she told me it was probably a sign from him and that I should of told her years ago.
Oh I almost forgot. The church in this dream ended up being the same church that we had the actual funeral at. So I think that kinda frightened me as well. Knowing I had seen this place in my dream and not seen it before.
So I have a lot of hurt inside me stuck inside that I don't want to let go of feeling that I will end up letting go of my grandpa.. he had asked me just a couple days before his passing that if he died would I be sad..I was sad and I still am.
2 weeks went by after his death. my grandma got a call from the vets hospital saying they had a heart for him (for a transplant).. they were a bit to late... I hope whoever got that heart cherished it and lived their life to the fullest..cause given just a little bit more time it could of been my grandpas.
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